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My girlfriend can't give me any affection !!!

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Fimo, Jan 4, 2015.

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  1. Fimo

    Fimo
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    Hello guys !
    So I had a girlfriend for two weeks now, and I felt like she was kinda distant lately.
    After talking to her, she told me that she has what she calls "emotional detachment". Basically she can't deal with affection. She can't hug me, kiss me or even hold hands. All of that because there is something like a barrier holding her down and blocking her from giving affection.

    And here I am, ready to help her, but not having any ideas what to do !
    I know i should take this one step at a time, but what are the steps ?
    I don't want to push her into this. I know she wants to change, but i can't push her too much !
    I just don't know if it is ok to use some things that have worked for my anxiety disorders, for example the "face your fears" method. It works with me, but as I don't have the same issue, it's hard to know how she'll feel and i'm afraid i won't do the right thing and mess things up even more :/

    I genuinely want to help her, but I am afraid of so many things. Like that i won't be patient enough, that i will step out of the boundaries, that she will never change, that it will bring back my anxiety ...

    How do I deal with this ?
     
    #1 Fimo, Jan 4, 2015
  2. mapleluv

    mapleluv
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    Has she been diagnosed by a psychologist? If so, she should have been given resources that would be helpful to you as well.

    Emotional detachment is a dissociative symptom associated with a number of psychiatric conditions (PTSD, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, etc.). Basically, it means that while the person is physically present & their intellectual mind may be functioning, their emotional functions shut down. It doesn't block them from giving affection at all; it just means they zone out when people give it to them because they find it unpleasant.

    I really don't imagine that it's possible to be in a genuine relationship with an emotionally detached person. I mean, the emotions are totally one-sided; they don't feel anything for you. That can only lead to heartbreak on your part.
     
    #2 mapleluv, Jan 4, 2015
  3. gogreen

    gogreen
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    She wasn't like that at first but is now? That seems odd...

    Also....is she working on changing it? I had a friend who told people she had "low self esteem", but really that was just her excuse for being rotten to others. She wasn't trying to change it at all, it was just her get out of jail free card.
     
    #3 gogreen, Jan 4, 2015
  4. Fimo

    Fimo
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    So do you think i am a fool to try this anyway ?
    Isn't there a way to make her change ? It seems to be related to an anxiety disorder, and I know that with work and time you can always make things better, or at least less difficult ... Isn't there a chance that she can get through that ?
    And what do you mean when you say "they don't feel anything for you" ? does this mean that she can't genuinely like me ?

    And to answer gogreen, she told me that she genuinely wanted to work on that with me (that was her words !) so I believe that she wants to change !

    Does anyone think that the "face you fears" thing can work ?
    I might completely be wrong, but basically after what i have understood from my many researches, is that when a trauma happens, and you feel terribly bad, the brain shuts emotions downs, like a shield or something. And it you are exposed to emotions again, it does the same and you end up "not feeling" !
    I believe she wasn't like that at the beginning, but that after something happened, her brain did this defensive shit and here we are now ! So i don't think i'm wrong to think that it can change back. And maybe just let the brain know that there is nothing to fear about emotions, and that it's alright !

    But again, i don't have a phd in psychology, so i can't really be sure of what I say here !
     
    #4 Fimo, Jan 5, 2015
  5. mapleluv

    mapleluv
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    Honestly, yes, I feel that it would be foolish to try to try this. And yes, there's always a chance she will get better.

    But in my experience, relationships with mentally ill people just don't work in the long run. (Note: I was the mentally ill one in my situation, I'm not trying to be mean!) Relationships are about two equal partners coming together & loving one another. But when one half of the couple has serious mental issues going on, the relationship ends up becoming more of a caretaking situation. Resentment slowly builds on both sides, & things eventually fall apart.

    You are still very young! My advice would be to back away from the relationship for now. Be her friend, support her, & maybe try to pursue a relationship again once she's mentally healthy.
     
    #5 mapleluv, Jan 5, 2015
  6. indiqo

    indiqo
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    it doesn't sound like emotional detachment. more that she does not want a physical relationship, those things are physical.

    maybe talk with her and ask why she feels unable to do this. perhaps she doesn't know. perhaps she wants things to change, but if not, then that's okay too. but if it's important to you in a relationship, she may not be the right person for you.

    good luck ^.^
     
    #6 indiqo, Jan 6, 2015
  7. Fimo

    Fimo
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    We agreed to be in a close and supporting relationship for the moment. Things are going good so far ...

    She said she had trouble connecting with people, so it's not only the physical contact that bother's her.
    But i'm going to talk more about this with her, and we'll see how that goes.

    Do you think she should see a therapist or something ?

    Thanks for answering :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Fimo, Jan 10, 2015
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