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Friend came out as gay, then bisexual and now has long-term girlfriend

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by TwoMethod, Jan 4, 2015.

  1. TwoMethod

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    Hey guys,

    So I have this friend at university who I also went to school with, and he came out as gay about a year ago to school friends.When in school, I had suspected he may be gay, and there had been one point where he and I were close, but he pulled away and we stopped being close.

    Anyway, so I messaged him to ask what the story was a few weeks after he supposedly came out, and he informed me that actually, he was bisexual. He also told me to keep it quiet, because he hadn't told his parents.

    The whole thing reeked of him railing back from "being gay" because it didn't fit in with what his parents accepted, or what he expected even of himself. He was always a bit of a "lad" character. Not macho, but the type who would supposedly be getting girls.

    The bisexual thing felt, to me, like he was probably somewhere on the spectrum, but much closer to the "gay" side than being in the middle. After all, I don't think one would come out as gay initially if this wasn't the case.

    Now, he doesn't seem to tell anyone at all that he's bisexual, and he has a long-term girlfriend (more than six months). Obviously he must be pleasing her in some way, but I would argue that this is his 20%-interested-in-woman part of the spectrum talking, and that he really won't be happy in the long run. Just my theory – founded on many things, but mainly on the whole initially-coming-out-as-gay thing. The thing is, when he gets really drunk, he kisses guys. I have heard rumours he sleeps with guys, but I don't think that's true. But even the kissing clearly shows he's not that satisfied with his girlfriend to me.

    I'm not close friends with him. I will be seeing him a lot in the coming weeks, but I don't see him day to day. He respects me a lot, I think, and would trust me with things. However, he always skirts around the issue of addressing his sexuality/girlfriend when I'm with him.

    Should I do something here? I feel he's just postponing the inevitable and is eventually going to have to come to terms with his sexuality. Does it sound like I've got a good handle on what's really going on for him? Or could he really be bisexual and happy with his girlfriend?
     
  2. kindy14

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    I would say you are to close to be objective. Only he knows what's in his head.

    It's his journey, his skin, and nobody can define that for you. Empathize with him, and let him know you are there if he ever wants to talk about his sexuality.
     
  3. bookaholic20

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    He might just be confused. he will find his way when he's ready :slight_smile:
     
  4. mangotree

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    Are you still romantically or physically attracted to him?
    Strange question, but seeing him through lust goggles could skew your perception of reality.

    That said - people learn more from experience than from advice. So maybe being in a straight relationship is his way of working it out.
    I think if you confronted him about it, it would cause unhealthy tension between you two.

    As kindy14 said, you could let him know you're there for him as a peer counseller if he needs to talk about relationships, family or sexuality etc.

    If you're right about him coming out as bisexual to please his parents, that's his choice, let him do it.
    If he is truly gay, then coming out to his parents as bi could help him to see what he really is (it did for me ... back in the day).
     
  5. TwoMethod

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    Thanks guys for the replies. So, mangotree, do you think even bringing his girlfriend up in conversation and saying something like "what's the story with that?" without pushing it – would that still be problematic?
     
  6. bicomplicated

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    You know bisexuality is a spectrum and even if a male has 20% attraction to women and main attraction to men, that doesen't mean he can't fall in love with a woman and it work. That being said, he could be gay in denial and only being in a straight realtionship to please his parents. Only he knows this. He might be bi or he might not. I wouldn't push the issue with him though. It's his life and his issues to figure out. As a friend, I would just be there for him and be supportive of him.
     
    #6 bicomplicated, Jan 6, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 6, 2015
  7. mangotree

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    It might come across as jealousy.
    True friends are happy for their friends when they get into relationships and supportive of their choice of partner.
    Nothing that you can say will make the break up happen any sooner or any easier for either of them. You can only be there for the aftermath as a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on.
     
  8. Ceoil

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    There are several things that could be going on here:

    - He could truly be bisexual and just wanted to come out as gay due to the stigma that bisexual people are confused and are even discriminated against by the gay community.

    - He could have just felt like he was gay and then had an attraction for a girl or two and now prefers to be / thinks he's bisexual (which, for gay guys can still happen)

    - Family / Friends who are against homosexuality, so he used bisexuality as a fallout after he came out(?)

    - And plenty of other reasons.
     
  9. happyhamster144

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    Unless he is having a relationship with a female to convince himself he is not gay.
    Then does it matter?
     
  10. Scifiguy338

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    Totally agree. He could very well be bi. It's easier to find a partner of the opposite sex than the same sex anyway. Even if he was only around 20% attracted to women, he could be doing it to work out what he likes and could be in love with her. Or he could be more gay but just hanging on to heteronormative ideals etc.
    Either way, he needs to live his life and explore, so he can know for sure what he likes.
     
  11. Lazuri

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    I say just let it go.

    These issues are diffult and mistakes are made. Failure is a talented tescher though and if he really is totally gay he will learn from the mistake of being with a woman. If it's as you think, the best way to make him see it is to just let him do the mistake.