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Possible to be in a strictly romantic relationship?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by kylieb, Jan 4, 2015.

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  1. kylieb

    kylieb
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    Background: I think I'm pansexual/panromantic.

    Okay, so there are a bunch of people in my life who I have found myself romantically attracted to, including my (queer) female best friends.

    I don't think I would want to be in a sexual relationship with most of the people I am romantically attracted to, but I constantly find myself wanting to kiss/cuddle/wrestle/play with their hair/other romantic gestures, etc, with these people. With my best friends, cuddling, wrestling, and playing with each other's hair is something we already do with each other to an extent, but kissing or going any further would be crossing some line. I really really want to cross that line, though!

    This is a super confused post, mostly because I'm still very confused about the whole thing - are my feelings about my friends okay? should I try to move past those feelings? how can you tell the difference between sexual and romantic feelings? is it possible to have a strictly romantic relationship with my friends, if they wanted to move in that direction? is it possible to have a strictly romantic friendship at all? what are the chances of getting mine or others feelings hurt in these types of situations?
     
    #1 kylieb, Jan 4, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 4, 2015
  2. Calix

    Calix
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    Do you think you could be asexual then? I see you're questioning and wonder if you would have the same attitude towards guys.

    I think when it's best friends it's always tricky. You have to determine how much you value that friendship. Getting romantically involved with a best friend can be awesome, but if it goes wrong then you have to accept it will change the friendship.
     
    #2 Calix, Jan 4, 2015
  3. Chip

    Chip
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    This is an interesting question, and one that's actually come up in discussions among my friends.

    Among a group of people I know in their 20s, there's a lot of display of connection, closeness, and friendly affection among them. It isn't sexual, and there's no sexual tension there. Yet there's often cuddling, hugging, wrestling, and the like. Several in this group are in relationships, and there's no jealousy or distrust with the sorts of interactions that happen between the friends because it is recognized as simply close friendship. I wouldn't describe it as romantic in any stretch; it's just an emotionally (but not sexually) intimate bond between close friends.

    I've seen this in a number of different settings, and I think it requires people to have clear and honest communication about their feelings, and for everyone to be open and pretty comfortable with themselves. It doesn't work very well with people who have a lot of insecurities or jealousy or fears about their friendships.

    This is just one opinion, based on nothing, but when I think of romantic, I see that as different from what I described from above. Now the interesting part is... it might look identical to an outsider, but I think the difference lies in the perception of the people participating. Think of it like this: "Couple" is a singular noun; we refer to "a" couple, not "two couples" if we're talking about two people. So there, I think there's an implied connection; these people are deeply connected and bonded to each other. And, of course, there could be polyamorous relationships such as a triad or four-person relationship that shares the same singular connection. That, to me, would be where the romantic connection would be more likely to come in.

    So I think you can have either... but I do think it's really important to clearly communicate what you're thinking, and get to a place of real vulnerability and authenticity with the other person or people to make sure everyone's on the same page.

    ... and no, I seriously doubt you're asexual. Only a very, very small percentage of the population are asexual, but there are a ton of people misusing the label in a way that isn't doing anyone a service, so I'd suggest there's a whole lot of stuff to rule out before you even consider that idea. I think it's a lot more likely you're just feeling the emotional connection in a strong way... and the sexual one may come along once you find someone you connect to. :slight_smile:

    I dunno if that helps or not :slight_smile:
     
    #3 Chip, Jan 4, 2015
  4. kylieb

    kylieb
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    Thanks for your answers; hearing and responding to feedback is really helpful.

    No, I'm definitely not asexual. I think my sexuality is actually more reliant on kink than any gender/sex, which is why I think I'm pansexual. I think I can be attracted to a person of any gender, but the sexual relationship has to involve my kink preferences. I'm not sure about that though, as I've only been in one sexual relationship with a man, and maybe I can enjoy vanilla sex with a girl/someone of another gender?? I don't know.

    I'd really like to try and learn about what others think the difference between romantic and sexual feelings are. For me I've always thought that romantic attraction included wanting to hug/kiss/cuddle/wrestle/have emotional intimacy, etc., and sexual attraction was just that - sexual. But romance and sexual feelings so often overlap, I don't know where the line is, and I don't know where it would be wise not to go. I can see myself developing really intense feelings of affection for my best friends, because we're already so close emotionally, and to an extent, physically. But how close is too close? I don't want to risk anything - they're too important. But I also really want to go further. I guess I should just talk with them about it. Ugh.

    And then there comes the whole problem with other people. I find myself wanting to kiss other girls a lot and do all of the other aforementioned romantic stuff, but not sex. How do you develop relationships like that? Where are the lines?? I'm assuming people would likely get hurt in that kind of strictly romantic relationship because one person might want to eventually include sex and the other doesn't, but maybe not? Is it like fwb; always destined for failure? Please enlighten me, people.
     
    #4 kylieb, Jan 5, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 5, 2015
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