Hello all, New here, and I'm not so sure I'll be a regular poster, but I will try to keep this thread updated as things progress so those of you that help can follow along. I find myself as a man in his 40's dealing with a sexual situation I've never come across before - just when you think you have it all figured out right? I've browsed around here and this forum seems like a place I could actually get some reasonable advice. So I've been with my current girlfriend 4 years now. We've both done the marriage, kids, and divorce thing so this is life ver 2.0 for us. Marriage is in the future, but we're waiting for the kids to age instead of trying to create an insta-family with ours. We won't be having children ourselves, I've already "snippped" that one in the bud. Anyway, last Friday over some home cooked Italian and a bottle of wine, she confides in me that she has had bisexual feelings her entire life. I was a little hurt it took 4 years and a bottle of wine for her to open up since I've never given her any reason to think I'm homophobic, but it's something she's kept bottled up inside her entire life and I guess old habits die hard. Of course, this has no bearing on we feel for each other. I love this woman more than the air I breathe, and even more so since she's opened up to me in a way she has never opened up to anyone else in her life. She's told me she has regretted never having an experience with another woman, and the last thing I want is for her to go through life with regrets. I want to support her, and honestly the thought of her exploring that side of her sexuality does not bother me. I'm secure in our relationship and am not worried about her leaving me if she did have an encounter with a woman. And to the ever-present internet naysayers: if by some odd chance she did leave me, it was probably going to happen anyway and I want most just for her to be happy. I've had enough heartache at this age to know that it's worth the pain and will heal in time. As for my part, of course I've had fantasies like most straight guys, but I'm fine leaving those on the shelf and it's in no way a driving factor here. That's for her to decide and make the decisions on, not me. I have no desire to endanger the best relationship of my life over some cheeseball fantasy of mine. I do however have some concerns and boundaries that I would want respected, as I'm sure she does. Now we haven't actually sat down for a serious nuts and bolts discussion of how something like this would theoretically work without hurting the relationship yet, but I optimistic it can be done if we're careful, respectful of everyone involved, and remember to keep our relationship first. Well that's where I'm at right now. Would love to hear any advice, particularly if you're in a similar situation with your partner and you've made it work.
Well, I was in a similar situation & we didn't make it work, if it's of any help. Probably sometime around year 2 of our relationship, I confided in my (male) ex that I was interested in experimenting with women. He gave me the go ahead because, like you, he was confident in our relationship, didn't want to deprive me of something I really wanted to experience, & we did (still do) genuinely love each other. Fast forward to year 5. We're engaged. And then I meet this amazing woman & I fall hard. So I sleep with her knowing he's okay with it (& basically have an emotional affair with her, which was not okay), realize that I'm actually gay, leave my ex-fiance 2 weeks before our wedding & come out with a bang. I never would've imagined leaving him; I just didn't know before my experience with that woman that I could ever feel the way I did about someone that I felt about her- & once I knew, there was no going back. However, it seems like you're open to the idea regardless of any horror stories you might hear, so the best advice I would give is to set very clear boundaries.
Thanks mapleluv, I don't think that would be the case with us, but then I could also be playing the fool who says "it can't happen to me" too. If that did turn out to be the case, would it be fair for me to try to prevent her from being who she really is in her heart of hearts? Could your ex have? Really, the best I could do in the long run would be to drag it out for several years more - possibly even into a marriage. It would be a painful experience for me, but in the end I would be as powerless to stop her from being gay as I would stop her from being a brunette. I would rather it happen now while we're both still semi-young than find myself divorced again in my 50s. There's a part of me that says this has to be allowed to play out because she's carrying regret around with her over it, and regret is a powerful thing. In the end, you found happiness being with a woman and I hope your ex found happiness with someone else too. And that's about the best any of us can ask for in life. Assuming that she's bisexual as she believes and not in the process of discovering she's gay, what kind of boundaries would you recommend? Thanks again.
I think you first need to discover what you want and what she wants. specifically, is it important to her that she has this experience and if so, are you truly willing to accept the possible consequence your relationship may be impacted by this experience. if what you want and what she wants coincides then I think it's okay to have an open relationship. it's entirely your decision. but I agree you should discuss boundaries, but only you and your partner can define those as they are personal to you guys. if you decide you don't want an open relationship, which is understandable as everyone has a different idea of what a relationship is, and she really feels she needs to be with a female then the logical solution would be to end the relationship. good luck(*hug*)
This, yes! I honestly believe that if I hadn't had permission to do what I did, I probably would've ended up cheating on him (which makes me sound horrible, but it's true). At least this way he & I managed to break up things on semi-respectable terms & stay friends. As to what boundaries you'd set up, I think it's important to find a way to make sure that it stays just about the sex. Like her not hanging out with the woman she has sex with for fun or as a friend etc. The boundaries between love & sex get really fuzzy sometimes, especially with us women, so I don't know how possible this would actually be...
Thank you both for the responses. They did help me think about things a little more. We had a long talk this evening and she said that she values our relationship more than having a sexual experience with another woman. We've decided to keep things in the realm of a sharing fantasies. She believes this will allow her to finally be open about her bisexual feelings and give her an outlet she can share with another person, something she's been wanting to do all her life. Honestly, I get the impression she's mostly happy and relieved about finally letting those feelings out, and then discovering that I only loved her more for opening herself up to me like she did. She comes from a strict religious upbringing and has always felt guilt about her attraction to women. I told her she's dating an atheist now and we don't play like that. :lol: We've kicked around the idea of maybe visiting a strip club sometime in the future so she could get a lap dance, but I've always found those places abominable so she's going to have to convince me more than I her. Anyway, that was just a sidebar discussion. Thank you both for taking the time to respond, you really did help.
Hey Leester, welcome to EC. It's great you two can talk about it honestly and reached a decision that works for both of you. I don't say it'll happen, it may absolutely not, you know, but if I were you I'd reckon with the possibility that her feelings about exploring her sexuality may change in the future. She'd bottled that part of herself for long time, now her "secret" is out in the open, it's for sure an enormous relief for her and she may feel it's really enough for now, but her feelings may be evolving, I think. From my own experience I know that these things are absolutely unpredictable. Wishing you two all the best.
Thanks for the welcome. You're absolutely right, and the thought has crossed my mind that maybe this is the beginning of her growth in a different direction altogether. But like I was saying a couple posts up, if that's who she is then that's the way it will end up, and I can't stop it from happening anymore than I can stop the tides from rolling in. All I've asked is that she be open with me if her feelings do change, and I trust her to do that. But for right now, I'm not going to worry about any of the bad "what ifs" and will just enjoy our new found closeness instead. Life is just too short to waste worrying.
