Hi everyone, I am new here. Hope y'all can help me out with a challenge I am facing. There is a woman in my hobby group. We are just casual friends till we went out together in a group outing one night. We were drinking and chatting, and made a connection. There were lots of eye contact and sparks flew. I never told anyone about my sexual orientation and neither did the topic of sexual orientation come up in our group. Although I don't know about her for sure, my gaydar tells me she is probably gay. Since that night, I have been thinking about her. Come the next week when our group met again, I was looking forward to seeing her but also feeling anxiety and nervous. When we finally met, she was sweet and pretty, whilst I suddenly grew distant and avoided eye contact with her. She picked up my body language and avoided me too. I am not sure why I suddenly turned cold and distant towards her when in fact, I had been thinking about her the whole week. Could it be the nerves or homophobia or fear of intimacy? I just came out to myself a few years ago. Although I dated women online and met up with some of them, my relationship experience with a woman is quite limited. How do I overcome my nerves when faced with a woman I have connection with? How do I develop it further beyond friendship?
Hi staceyy, welcome to the EC forum. Curing anxiety isn't an easy job, I speak from experience. Sometimes even though you have nerves or anxiety about doing something, you have to just do it anyway. Nerves are a barrier you impose on yourself. I know it's not easy to overcome them, but letting them get in your way won't solve your problems. Be careful about "gaydar".. It's not a real thing. It's all based on stereotypes and perception, the only way you can know is by hearing it directly from the person. You probably feel uneasy because you're looking into the unknown. You don't know if she's gay or if she's interested in you. If not knowing the answer to these questions makes you uneasy, the obvious solution is to find the answers out. Would you be willing to come out to her? That would be a good first step to finding out whether she is gay too. Of course, don't do that out of context - you should probably build up a friendship where you could come out and it wouldn't be weird. Unfortunately when it comes to relationships you can't expect to have an easy ride.. It's going to involve a lot of putting yourself on the line and risking getting hurt. You've got to make yourself vulnerable to connect to someone (by coming out, exposing your feelings, etc) so don't let your fear of being vulnerable stop you. Hope I helped somehow.
Well, for me, I just had to finally face my fears over the hardest decisions I've ever made in my life. Separating from my wife after 21 years of marriage. Talk about facing the unknown. I've likened it to, throwing my life into a wood chipper, and throwing the parachute out the plane then jumping after it. "Could it be the nerves or homophobia or fear of intimacy?" Fear of rejection has always been the primary cause of my anxiety with women, and men too. So, sometimes, if you think the results are worth it, I say you follow the advice from Risky Business... Ask her out to coffee (tea??) after club so you can develop a friendship.
I think how you acted is totally normal.. and that it's only natural that you'd be nervous and feel anxiety, when it seems like you potentially find her attractive, are unsure of the situation, and have little experience yourself. Think everyone experiences those same difficulties, to a greater or lesser extent, and sometimes you just have to "bite the bullet" as it were and really put yourself out there, and be brave in overcoming that fear and making a special effort to open up if a connection is really what you want. Whatever the consequence of it, you'll overcome some anxiety, and grow a bit more as a person. I also don't think it's too late for you with this girl.
How to overcome anxiety of same-sex attraction? Thanks to everyone who replied. I feel bad screwing it up but I guess I have to take it one step at a time. For now, I will try to get to know her better. Maybe go out for coffee when we feel more comfortable with each other. My initial cold stance and mixed signals have made this more difficult, but like lilrocket said, it might not be too late.
It's never too late to express yourself to another. It might be akward, but just know in your head and your heart that you do have the strength to get through this.
Hi everyone, just to give an update:- Since the last meeting with her, I managed to patch things up by being friendly and attentive to her. She saw the change in my attitude and I think we are good again. I also found out that she is relatively new to the LGBT community and confused about her sexual orientation. Looks like this gonna be an uphill climb with her. Sigh...
Congratulations on amending things and moving forward! Just out of curiosity, how did you figure out about her orientation/place in the LGBT community?
It doesn't have to be. Have fun together, laugh together, maybe go to a concert or a movie together... wish you a nice time
Thanks. I was somewhat disappointed what I heard what she said. But I will keep a positive attitude and see how it goes
