Hello, guys... I'm sorry for the English mistakes you may encounter. English is not my first language. I found this forum while I was looking for a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm in an awkward situation right now with my best friend. First of all, I'm 25 years old (gay) in the closet. I have reasons to be in the closet, life is hard when you know you will lose most of your friends and family support when all hell break lose -- when they - officially - find out that they have a gay son. I live in Canada and I'm in my home country for 3 more months. A 'few weeks' ago I met a someone that I now consider my best friend. He's everything I need, and he completes myself. It wasn't hard to fall in love with him. He's the kind of person that tells "I love you" to every single person he meets. He tags me in friendship quotes posts and tells me how much he needs me in his life. The problem is that, I wasn't supposed to love him. I *don't* want to love him. But I do, and it sucks, because he is straight. This is not the first time I fall for a straight friend, but all the other times went pretty bad. I tend to ignore people whenever I notice I'm falling for them, or when I notice they are falling for me. After noticing the pain in my chest whenever this friend took too long to answer my messages, or when I saw him talking to his "target" girlfriends, I felt really jealous and I knew right then that it was time to distance a little from him. Not to stop talking or "break up" our great friendship, but to be in a safe distance where I can no longer miss him when he disappears or interact with his friends. I know it sounds a little strange, this is the first time I talk about my real feelings, I never allowed myself to have a boyfriend before. I tried to ignore this friend for a day, but he kept messaging me asking where I was and telling how he missed me. It broke my heart to see those messages so I just turned my computer off and when back to sleep, with a huge hole in my chest, an unbearable pain that didn't allow me to sleep. In the following day I told him I needed space, that I was too attached to him and that it was making me sick. I lied to him telling that the only reason why I didn't want our friendship to be that strong was because I couldn't live in Canada with my head in Brazil. -> I abandoned Canada for my friends and family, and I regret it, now that I am going back, I don't want to miss them desperately anymore. I want to be able to live my life without them. I apologized for what I did, because I really thought it was a mistake to ignore him, and things went back to normal until 2 days ago. I can't stand talking to someone who is always distracted. When he messages me I stop everything I am doing to give him my full attention and I expect him to do the same, but he doesn't, he is always talking to more than 5 people at the same time, and I don't like it. I even told him to message me only when he isn't busy. He recently broke up with his virtual girlfriend for the 5th time, and after I gave him some advises, of how she was playing with his feelings, he ran to her once more and broke his heart again. He didn't listen to me and I felt like telling him to do whatever he wanted and not ask for my advice if he wasn't going to take it. His little "end-of-the-year" break ended today. We spent the whole break together, we talked on Skype until we fell asleep. He always fell asleep first, and I loved to listen to his breathing noise while he was sleeping. :icon_redf 2 days ago, when he made really jealous (unintentionally of course), I just knew right then that I had to do something, and there is no way I was going to let him know that I was ignoring him again, so I just turned my computer off and didn't talk to anyone. I wanted to get over him and move on with my life. Yesterday when I turned my computer on, I had 54 new messages. All of them were like: "I miss you!", "I need you!", "Don't leave me!", "Heeey", etc. He even sent some songs, and tagged me in friendship quote pictures on his facebook wall. He is too sweet but he has no idea that I am gay. I'm sorry if this story sound too childish. I really don't know what to do and I have no one to talk to. Do you think ignoring this friend is the right thing to do, or should I tell him how I feel?
Tough problem.. I'm sorry you think your family/friends won't be supportive if you come out to them. I think for you to find happiness you need to be honest with yourself. Do you want to continue living in hiding or liberate yourself? Do you want your friend to know how you feel so you can find either happiness or closure? Ignoring your problems generally doesn't help.. For them to go away you have to confront them. Do you trust this friend you have feelings for to keep your closet status if you were to come out to him? If you do, coming out would be a good idea. If he's as nice as you say he is I can't imagine him turning on you because of it.
I think about coming out every day, all the time. The thought of not being accepted drains my energy and I live in constant depression, isolated in my room. I rarely go out. On top of that my mom is an alcoholic, and she is constantly confronting me, forcing me to come out when she is drunk. My dad spent my entire life trying to fix me: "Don't talk/walk/cross your legs/move your hands like that". "Don't talk to that person". He always investigated all my friends to find out if I was hiding anything. He never let any friend come over until I left the country (when I was 19). I know the looks on his face when he notices I am not "acting" straight enough. Deep inside they know the truth, I never had a real (non virtual) relationship. I will come out to them eventually, but I need to be prepared for the worst first. My mom will accept it fine, but my father wont. --- I don't trust anyone with this secret, unfortunately. Especially not after all the bullying during my school life. I don't think he would spread if he knew I was gay, but I don't expect him to feel the same towards me, but if he knew how I felt, he would understand why I have been acting so weird recently. He thinks he did something wrong, but he didn't.
You said something about leaving the country.. Do you still live away or are you with your family now? Maybe you should move yourself out of a situation where you are being controlled so you can start being open. Also you could consult a therapist (everything is 100% confidential) about your problems with depression and a fear of being rejected.
I'm sorry about your family. maybe living apart from them may give you more security and confidence to be open with them, given the distance. but I appreciate things aren't so simple for some people. especially when religion or culture impacts on the views of people around us. it sounds like your parents already suspect, but it doesn't make it any easier. I think the latter part of your post is pretty normal in a friendship. or rather, a personal preference impacting a friendship. for example, I personally dislike when people talk with me but don't give their full attention, because I have been brought up to recognise this as impolite. so I think perhaps whether you were attracted to him or not, you may still feel the same way about things like that and it's more of personality thing, like something about him which annoys you (which is pretty normal in any kind of relationship). ignoring him may or may not be the right thing to do. would you want your friendship to continue even if he didn't feel the same way or ever think there could be a possibility of being together. do you value the friendship highly and want to continue with this relationship in your life and being friends with him as things are now. it all depends on what you want. if you ignore him you could lose him as a friend. you are only distancing him and pushing away your entire friendship with him, and he has no idea why this is happening. if you don't really feel able to have a friendship with him ever because of your feelings, and don't mind if the friendship were to end as a consequence of trying to contain your feelings, then ignoring him would be okay, although unfair to him. however if you want to maintain your friendship, even if you would need time to overcome your feelings first and a temporary break from spending time talking with him, then it's likely telling him that you are gay and confessing your feelings for him depending on how he reacts to coming out would be the only way forward to save your friendship. this way things will become clear, you will know whether or not he could ever see your friendship as romantic. if he thinks not, then you will obtain closure and will be enabled to process your feelings and try to dissolve them. and hopefully maintain your friendship overall. I hope this is helpful.. oh and your english is excellent. good luck! *hug*
I came to Brazil to spend holidays with my family, but I'm going back to Canada in April, thank God! --- @indiqo It definitely helped a lot, thank you so much! Our friendship comes first. I am suspicious but I think he is (only) straight, and that nothing is going to happen between us. He told me he wants to move to Canada to live with me (gaydar: ON), to date Canadian girls and party (gaydar: OFF). :lol: Last night I was playing and told him something like: "if you want to date as many girls as you can, then he should probably stay in Brazil", and he said something like: "I'm just kidding, I'm going to be only yours". :eek: He plays a lot with my feelings, and at the same time, he is always mentioning that "hot chick" that he is currently talking to, this could indicate that he is gay/bi and uses the girl stuff to hide it, and that he is afraid to tell me, or that he is just playing around. He might not visit me after I come out to him (who knows) but I think this is the right thing to do. He deserves to know that before he leaves the country to meet me. That's all I needed to hear, thanks again. Containing our feelings isn't easy. It hurts a lot, but I know from experience that in 2-3 weeks he could be just an ordinary friend again, and that I could remove him from the wrong side of my heart :icon_redf. I will try messaging him less frequently, and if that doesn't work, well... I guess this is when he finds out I am gay, and he will have to accept me for who I am, otherwise, he doesn't deserve my friendship (easier said than done). <~ PS: accept me, not date me. I should have read my thread before posting it. There are so many silly mistakes that I wish I could fix. We should be able to edit our posts/topics, to update them without writing another answer. I know this is off topic but I JUST found out my sister is pregnant, so the *hug* came in the right time. I'm going to be an uncle (for the 3rd time)! hahahaha (*hug*) ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2015 at 12:33 PM ---------- *the more I read, the more mistakes I find* :roflmao: ---------- Post added 8th Jan 2015 at 12:34 PM ---------- The edit button disappears too quickly.
Hi there. Seems to me like your friend is one of those "needy" types. You already know that the remarks and the details he makes for you are also made for his other friends, and even if he only made them to you, you've told us he's straight. Have you asked him directly if he's straight? Otherwise you'll always have the hope of the remote chance that he maybe falls for you. And if by some miracle, he's actually interested in you...are you ready for all the "I'm confused" drama that comes along? Also, in my experience confessing your feelings has also a huge risk of affecting the friendship, because everytime your friend notices that "I love you" look he'll probably distance himself. What kind of relationship do you want with him? Friendship? Something more? I'm not really sure what to advice other than asking him directly if he's straight. And if he is, then the path you need to take is a bit more clear.
Yesterday he played along an extremely gay joke with his friend, for the second time. The first time, there was a challenge on a Facebook group which asked people to ask for a nude picture from the first person in chat list. His friend asked him for naked pictures and he sent pictures of him in his underwear. The second time, the same friend quoted him using an awful and explicit Carioca funk song, which mentioned something like humping my friend because he enjoyed it, and he was like: "Of course! *devil emoji*" Since this was supposed to be a joke, his friend posted his answer on the facebook group and he was like "wtf? ¨%%%hole!". After this extremely gay situation, I questioned his sexuality, because I had no doubt he was gay after I saw this, and he said he was just playing and that he was not gay/bi/curious. I think there is a limit to any kind of joke. A (gay) sexual joke/gay sexual picture is beyond this limit in my opinion. Anyway, I just came to update this thread because after this ^ we had a very long conversation and I told him how I felt as a friend, what I like and what I didn't like about him. I'm still in love but I even if he was gay, this would never work. I don't want to have a relationship with someone that goes this low, I value myself more than anything. Our friendship is intact, though. Thanks for all the help and support. (&&&)
Turns out he was lying about his sexuality. Another facebook group question about sexuality, and: Why would he deny his sexuality if he is bi? Guess I wasn't supposed to see his answer, I found it by accident.
I agree it wasn't a funny joke. but perhaps his response was his attempt to keep his sexuality private; to play the straight guy. when you talked with him (I am so happy you did), did you come out to him? if he doesn't know you're gay then he probably assumes you are straight. if you approached him and asked him about his sexuality and he still thought at this time you are straight, he could have panicked and wondered why you were asking him about his sexuality. maybe he questioned how your reaction would be and was scared to lose your friendship. that is to say if you are comfortable in doing so now, I would make him aware that you are gay and maybe it will give him more confidence to be open with you. (*hug*) ps. congratulations on being an uncle
Hi, yes... He broke up with his ex and fell in love with another girl. She is the only thing he talks about and that makes me jealous. One day I showed him this picture of him saying he was bi and he again said he was just trolling and that he tried to date a guy but didn't like it. He keeps indirectly posting things (quotes) for me... I guess he enjoys making me jealous. I don't message him anymore. He used to be always busy and took to long to answer my messages, so I gave him space. I wait for his messages and he messages me every 2 days, to talk about what he did or is going to do with his girlfriend. It's like he doesn't care about my day or how I am, and I just play along, never showing how I feel.
This day has arrived and it is today. I'm afraid of losing him but he deserves to know, otherwise I'll forever be a liar or get sick for holding so much emotion in my chest.
Hey, don't stress too much. It'll feel so much better to get it off your chest and it's a step in the right direction for getting over him and moving on. If you end up losing him, he wasn't a true friend anyways and doesn't deserve you. I wish you the best of luck!
congratulations tobias! :icon_redf i knew it! haha.. while i was reading your story and the whole conversation, i actually thought he might already have an idea about it even before you tell him.. but anyway, good for you wish you two the best (*hug*) :thewave:
