I really need some advice and it would be great if some of you would tell me what you think I should do. I'll try to make this as short as possible: When I was 16 I met a girl with whom I fell in love. At that point she was a patient at a psychiatric day hospital for an eating disorder and depression. We met shortly before the end of her therapy there and I don't know how she was before she went there, but when we met she was actually more or less ok psychologically. That didn't last that long, sadly. We were happy for some time and she seemed ok but over the months she slowly got worse and at some point it got really bad: she became extremely depressed again, she relapsed into self-harming and her eating disorder, she had suicidal thoughts and really bad mood swings, so bad that she was unpredictable at times. I don't really want to think back to that time, so I won't go into detail, but it was really bad. I broke up with her after 1.5 years. Because I couldn't deal with seeing her like this anymore, because we were fighting all the time and there didn't seem like there was anything I could do anymore, and because at some point I wasn't able to tell anymore if I was with her because I loved her or because I felt responsible. I just felt like shit all the time because I was trying so hard to deal with all this and be there for her but I reached a point where I realised that this was helping none of us and that I needed to get out and start concentrating on my own life again. I know that it was the right decision in the end but I still feel guilty about it until today. She attempted suicide shortly after the break-up, and even though I know that I didn't make her do this, I still feel guilty because I think it was my actions that lead her to it. She was admitted to a psychatric hospital after that and diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. That was 2.5 years ago and we're still friends (or: again) and talk from time to time. She's been getting worse again lately and I've been spending some time talking to her, trying to be there for her, as a friend. She isn't asking for much, she's not pressuring me into doing anything for her, she simply needs someone to talk to sometimes. But sometimes even this is too much for me because it reminds me of all the shit that happened back then and I feel helpless because I can't help her. I'm in a relationship now (with a man) and I can't talk to him about this because I don't want to talk about all the things that happened and I don't want him to know that I still spend time worrying about my ex-girlfriend. My feelings towards her are completely platonic but I am afraid that he might get it wrong. So I don't really talk about it which again makes me feel guilty because I'm not 100% with him. To be completely honest, I wish I could just stop talking to her because I don't want to think about my past anymore and about what happened back then. But I can't because I feel guilty and I feel responsible for her and I can't just leave her because that's what everyone else is doing. I think I'm probably just a very selfish person. Could you please tell me your opinion on this?
For what it's worth, Borderline Personality Disorder has its origins in early childhood bonding failures. It often doesn't show up until the mid-teen years (nor can it be diagnosed in someone under 18, generally), but it's not caused by anything that happens in the teenaged years. So nothing you did influnced the development of her mental health issues. People living with BPD are notoriously difficult to maintain friendships with. (Obviously some are more well-adjusted than others, so no offense to anyone here struggling with BPD.) Borderlines typically have terrible boundaries and so have a tendency to run roughshod over everyone around them, and they can be very manipulative, controlling, and demanding. It is easy to go from "most amazing person in the world" to "most evil person ever" in a heartbeat. This is a difficult call, but one way to look at it is what *you* are getting from the relationship. If it is all (or nearly all) for her benefit, and little or no benefit to you, then it really isn't a friendship; it's an unhealthy codependent relationship. If that's the case, as difficult as it is, the best choice might be to slowly pull away and let the relationship sort of die on the vine (or, as sometimes happens with borderlines, have her make you evil and stop talking to her.) I don't know if your relationship with her is codependent, but from your brief description, it sounds that way. If so, it's very, very hard to set clear boundaries when you are dealing with your own codependent patterns, and even harder when trying to do so with someone living with BPD. So sometimes the only boundary is to cut contact altogether. If you choose to do that, you can try and lay the groundwork for other support resources for her... local peer support groups, encouraging her to go to therapy, encouraging her to find other friends, and the like.
@Chip Thank you for the helpful and elaborate reply! What you're describing is basically what happened a few days ago. We talked on the phone and we had an argument and in the end she hang up on me and I haven't heard from her since. And to be honest, if she'd contact me again (what I'm quite sure she'll do sooner or later), I don't think I'll even want to talk to her again. It wasn't this argument specifically but, as you're sayig, the dependency that has been the base of our relationship. I kind of hope that she won't contact me again, so I won't have to deal with telling her I don't want any further contact... which probably isn't exactaly fair. :-|
Chip hit the head on the nail here. I also want to point out that you shouldn't blame yourself for her attempted suicide. Blaming somebody for causing a suicidal person to attempt suicide is like blaming video games for causing a psychologically unstable person to conduct violence. The reason for the attempted suicide wasn't you yourself but her underlying problems and if your break up didn't trigger the attempt something else inevitably would have. Maybe then she would even have succeeded. You will never know for sure and you should focus on the part where she didn't die.
If you are in a relationship (of any kind) with someone who has BPD it is important for you and them to have very clearly defined boundaries. Unfortunately, you are the only one who can set the boundaries and you must stick to them like glue. If you deviate from them at all, it will exacerbate any problems in your relationship and fuel the issues that seem to be present with your ex. It is incredibly hard to maintain a good relationship with someone who is struggling with BPD due to the extremes of mood and temperament. As the healthy and stable one, you do feel horrible when you have to take a hard line approach, especially if it provokes a bad reaction, but it is the only way, I'm afraid. If you can't set/keep boundaries it may be best for your own well-being to reconsider the whole relationship. It's a terribly hard decision to make and it does feel like you are writing off someone who is genuinely ill, but sometimes it's the only way you can prevent yourself from becoming ill from the stress of it all. BPD can be treated, but it does require engagement and commitment to the process from the patient. If that doesn't happen, everyone gets drawn into a long and continuous cycle of extremes. I hope you can find a way through this.
Stop thinking about her or paying attention to the manipulation! I used to know someone who fit that description pretty closely. He was an ultra-sensitive jerk who was cruel and violent to his family, and threatened to commit suicide at least once a month. He had his whole family wrapped around his little finger. They were always doing his bidding, and always getting him out of trouble (drug offences, bad debts, that sort of thing). Finally, when living in constant terror became a bigger issue than his suicide threats, his parents finally kicked him out. He spent some time making a show of homelessness and incompetence, being hungry and broke when there was no need. After he cooled down, his mum helped him find a place to rent and gave him minimal pocket money. Moving back was not an option. And guess what, he changed. A few months later he was a completely different person. The vicious cycle of everyone around him enabling his unpredictable behaviour was finally broken. After a while, friends and relatives even stopped talking about his issues in his absence. He was no longer controlling their minds. While I agree 95% with Chip, that other 5% is that I'm sceptical about modern psychology that attempts to label everything, and big pharma for attempting to sell a pill for it. No amount of prescription tranquillizers are going to change the root cause if the patient has delusional beliefs that the world is unfairly oppressing them, and if they think their modus operandi, which is to manipulate the shit out of everyone around them, is just normal. My time that I'm giving myself for this post is just about up. A couple final thoughts @Lear: Look after yourself and YOUR needs. Maybe talk to your bf about how you feel. But also let go. These Bipolar / schizoid / spectrum people (edit) can be tougher than they look.
Just to be clear, as far as I know, there are no medications that are considered effective or even appropriate for treating BPD. Dialectic behavior therapy is about the only modality that's shown any promise, and it takes a lot of time, and has only limited effectiveness.
