Hello everyone! I am new to EC, but have been a lurker for quite some time now. I have been struggling with some things and decided it might help if I just purge it all out so this post might be all over the place. It’s probably going to be a bit long so sorry in advance. First a little backstory: I always knew something was different about me from a real young age. I remember being at a sleepover with lots of friends around age 7, and announcing to the group that I thought Paul Walker was hot while we were watching a movie. Lets just say I got some strange looks from every other boy there lol. Going through middle school was tough, and I was often called “gay” and other things because of how I acted and such. I made it through that and high school was a lot smoother, although during that time I had also made great efforts to be “straight”. It was during this time though that I realized that I might actually be gay, but I just buried that deep in my brain and went on with life. Through all this I have never had a real relationship with a girl, because the attraction was just never there. I tried so hard all through high school to get a girlfriend and be normal but it never worked out. In like 9th grade I had one “girlfriend” if you could even call it that. I asked a girl to be my girlfriend but ended up calling it off about a week later. Looking back at my feelings now I think I called it off because I had no attraction, and only ever did it because I felt like it was something that was expected of me. Fast forward through the first few uneventful years of college. I commute to a university about an hour from home. I went through several phases during the first few years where I tried to be more “straight” but it still just wasn’t me at all. Around my junior year of university I finally started to get more comfortable with being myself. I just finished the first semester of my senior year and just over the last few weeks I have started to become okay with the fact that I am probably gay. I started talking to a cute guy from class during this time and that was a huge influence. We starting private messaging one day and eventually started texting each other every day. My heart swoons when I think about him, or get a message from him, etc. That is definitely something I have never experienced before, but it feels so amazing and makes me so happy. Feelings I honestly had started to think I would never experience. Now for the part that I am struggling with. I live in the south, and you guessed it, my family is not very accepting of the LGBT community. I have never told a single soul of any of these struggles I have had throughout my life for fear of rejection. My dad has often made offensive remarks about homosexuals, my little brother calls me gay all the time and my whole family is deeply religious and believes its a sin, etc. I think my mom probably suspects that I am gay because she has asked a couple times, although I always deny it. She is always telling me I need to find a girl, get married and start a family. I have a really great relationship with both of my parents though and I don’t want to mess it up. I have enough money to move in with a friend at my university for this last semester, but honestly I don’t mind driving and saving the money for when I graduate and hopefully move out on my own when I go to work. The only reason I had considered doing that is so I could be in a relationship without hiding everything, but I realized doing so is just kind of running from the problem and is only a temporary fix. So that is pretty much where I sit typing this, frustrated that the world wasn’t created in such a way that we wouldn’t have to go through these struggles. I honestly don’t know how far my relationship with the guy will even go since we just started talking, but it is stressful enough to hide the fact that I am texting him from my family. It feels so "normal" in a way that I have never experienced. I would like to shoot for the moon but I am afraid it will get too difficult to keep a secret, and I hate lying to my parents about it. I’m just not confident at all that they would be accepting and I know it would drive a huge wedge in my relationship with them. Ugh. I know there is a lot here and its all over the place, but if anybody has any similar experiences/ advice I would love to hear it.
Hey there, and welcome to the forums! It sounds like you're in a difficult situation, and a lot of the members here have been in (or are still in) the same position! I understand that you ideally don't want to move out from the family home. It's also horrible to feel like you're keeping a secret 24/7. The only real advice that I can offer you is that quite a few LGBT+ people with particularly homophobic families sometimes feel like they have to move out and take themselves away from the situation before deciding how to handle telling (or not telling) their family about their sexuality. I just wanted to say, that this isn't the cowards way out sometimes it's the right decision. I'm not saying that this is the right thing for you, though. Ultimately you know your situation and your family better than any of us. Perhaps telling your family about your sexuality won't be as bad as you think. You say they have a great relationship with them - I'm sure it'll be difficult, but considering how well you get along, do you think they could come to accept it in time? Whatever you decide to do, whether that be keeping it quiet for now, telling your parents or moving out - I hope it works out for you. (*hug*) Finally, congratulations on finding a cute guy. :icon_wink Go you!
I most certainly agree, and do not at all consider it a cowardly way out I probably won't be able to consider telling them until I am moved out. I could have worded that part of the post a little better. What I meant was that I would be spending a bunch of money moving out for the 4ish more months I have of university, or I could just stick it out for the 4 more months and save the money for when I graduate and actually move to somewhere I find work. I think at this point that is what I have decided to do, either way I am probably not going to be comfortable enough to tell my parents until after I graduate anyways. I don't need the stress it would undoubtedly cause during my final semester. I have really been thinking of this lately and honestly with my mom it will probably be alright in time, but I am still not real sure of my dad. He would probably eventually accept it, but his whole side of the family is the same way so that doesn't help either as we are all pretty close. I'm sure this is pretty common, but for the longest time I didn't even consider coming out as a possibility, which is why I suppressed the idea I was gay for so long. I am slowly starting to see things differently, and am realizing that I shouldn't live my life in the image others expect me to. It's a lot easier said than done thats for sure! Thanks for your advice and support Spartan, I really appreciate it!
I can relate a *lot* to your description of growing up. Main difference is I've spent another decade basically in the "not willing to deal with this" stage. But even the finding a guy and starting to text with him, and being surprised how great just that is, and it being something you weren't sure you'd ever get to experience, is something I can relate to. I think unfortunately there's not much way around it, if you're going to want to live with authenticity and be yourself you're going to have to tell those close to you (family etc) sooner or later, regardless of their reactions. Sometimes though, they can surprise you. You might need to prepare for the worst, but if they really love you and are good people they will usually be able to come around in time. You don't really have to do it before you get out on your own with a job though, especially since that's coming up before too long. It's your call.
I'm glad you can relate. Makes it feel a little more "normal" knowing i'm not the only one. I honestly wish I would have gotten through that stage when I first started college instead of when I am finishing though. Might have made things a little simpler. Yeah I have decided it is definitely something that will have to be done at some point. Maybe not tomorrow, or this month, or even this year, but it will have to be done eventually when the time is right.
oh, I can relate to that... I became confident with my sexuality at 20.... Due some other things I moved out of home after the first term of college and yes, it also spend some money on that but it was the best decision I made this year(2014) here I can be who I want to be, do what I want to do without getting yelled at because I am not what my mother expects me to be. From time to time I have contact with my father but I quit talking to my mother, which was hard but a good decision... my advice for you: 4 months, you don't need much rent and food money for the last 4 months... you need money for furniture anyways...
I'm in a similar situation, although my parents aren't as homophobic as yours sound. I'm in a relationship with a guy now and it's kept secret from my parents. I'm constantly sneaking around, and because he's older and lives a bit away I am forever staying at his place so I can spend as much time with him as possible. My mum is constantly asking me where I disappear to but I've never told her. I'm still not out to my parents although there is some suspicion, however they've never raised it with me. I always told myself I would make myself independent of my parents (i.e. moved out, with a career, etc) before coming out so that if they reacted negatively it would be easier to untangle my life from theirs until they come around to accepting it if ever. I don't see it as a cowards way out, I see it as a way to deal with the mess that can come from it easily. If conflict did arise from it I'd be stupid to keep myself in that environment. Hope my story gave you another perspective/things to think about. Good luck with your situation, don't be too hard on yourself.
Just how "bad" are they? I ask because I stumbled on this video the other day for some reason on YT: "how not to react when your child tells you he's gay". It's really bad. So apparently "secretly having gay desires" and "committing acts of gayness" are 2 completely different things in the eyes of the south. The mother supposedly knew that he was gay since he was a little boy, but the family still went ape-shit at him when he came out about it. Reading some follow-up comments on Reddit, they recommend definitely having some housing options so you're not suddenly homeless. Also I guess the context might be different. In that video it wasn't clear but he might have been telling the family about his BOYFRIEND as a way of coming out, so they would have freaked out that they might get judged by all the other people in their area.
The first thing I would say is a very big well done on completing your own personal journey. You may not believe it at this stage, but coming out to ourselves is a much bigger deal than coming out to other people. You have struggled with your feelings for a long time, but you have passed the finish line on the first stage. Give yourself a huge amount of credit for that. Since you have only just accepted your sexual orientation, there really is no great hurry to start thinking about telling other people. Don't be distracted by parental pressure or the snide remarks from your Brother. You need a little bit of time to pause and recover from stage one and to take stock. When it comes to telling your parents I cannot deny that it may be difficult. You said that you come from the south and your parents are very religious, but you didn't actually say what denomination they worship in. I know the Southern Baptist Churches are quite dominant in parts of the US and they are often conservative in terms of theology and doctrine -- can you confirm your parents denomination/style of worship? Even if they are very religious, it's not necessarily the case that it will go badly wrong if/when you tell them. Sometimes parents can surprise us when they are confronted with the reality that one of their 'own' is gay. It can bring about a surprising change to their tone and opinions. My best advice would be to wait until such a time as you are fully independent and self supporting before telling your parents. You will need that security to fall back on, should things turn sour. In the meantime see if you can begin the process of coming out to your friends -- people who will offer support and encouragement after you tell your parents. You may need them as a support network. When the time comes you may wish to consider writing a coming out letter. There are many advantages to using the written word and it can take the heat out of an otherwise volatile situation. With a letter you get the chance to really consider your words and everything you want and need to say and you can make several drafts until you are happy with it. When you send it, there will be no interruption or exaggerated response in the heat of the moment. Letters really do work. You can find some examples here: Empty Closets - Coming Out Letters A couple of things you may wish to keep in mind when it comes to telling your parents: PFLAG National - the support/information group for parents, family, friends and allies of Lesbian and Gay people. Read what this Christian pastor promises to do if his children are gay | Gay Star News - an amazing article that demonstrates a loving, Christian response from American Pastor John Pavlovitz (whose Church happens to be a cooperating member of the Southern Baptist Convention). It might be worth saving the link. I hope this helps in some way. Good luck, but don't rush into anything right now.
Thanks banana, Sek, wasgij, and Patrick for the advice, support, different perspectives etc. it is really helping me a lot. It feels good to finally actually talk to people about it, even if anonymously through the internet. I have seen that video in the past when it went viral, but I just re-watched it. I feel sorry for the kid because nobody should ever be treated that way for simply loving someone. But I agree, the context of the video is a little different and not even really clear. It seems as though there might have already been some unrelated issues between the boy and his parents. Still not a way for any loving parent to treat their own child no matter what. Unfortunately, this is not really out of the ordinary. I ironically have a former classmate who is now in the seminary and he once posted on social media about how someone may be born with homosexual desires but must hold back those feelings in order to be right with the Lord. So yeahhh lol. But honestly I have heard worse remarks and just plain idiotic things that people here think are true of homosexuality. When I hear those things I wanna correct those people so bad, but thats a little risky in my current situation. As for my parents, I know they would never resort to violence like that towards me no matter what. I do think there is definitely the possibility of some criticism and judgement though. It isn't a topic that is discussed much around here, but when it does come up the phrases "thats sick" or "thats wrong" are pretty much all I have heard my dad say. The times my mother has directly asked me if I was gay, were worded in such a way that it wasn't alright if I indeed were. The last time though, my mom asked and it caught me real off guard and I changed the subject real quick. She must have noticed because she sent me a message later while I was in my room and asked why I changed the subject so quickly, and I just blew it off. Sometimes I think she HAS to know, I mean I go shopping with her, she always asks me for outfit advice, etc. Thanks! Yes they/we (I plan on keeping my faith no matter what) are Southern Baptist. And... not just Southern Baptist, I'm talking the church we go to is way out in the country (think Little House on the Prairie haha) and is extremely conservative. Although I wouldn't consider my parents aren't AS conservative as some, I definitely wouldn't call them liberal. I think this is probably the best plan for me as well. As you mentioned earlier, it was a big step for me to come out to myself and I believe it. I know I probably came across as eager to just tell my parents and get it past me. I think that is because I did finally get past that first step and now consider it to actually be an option to tell my parents and be open about it. Those links will be of great reference when the time comes. And I will definitely consider a letter. Thank you! I had heard of PFLAG before, but I had not had a chance to read the pastors article. That was a great read and is how I wish more Christians in general would be like.
