Hi EC. I've been userless-ly looking at this website for a loooong time and it's brought me a lot of joy and help with everything (&&&), but I finally just created an account to hopefully start being more active, and while I'm at it, ask for help... This might be long so sorry in advance. So, 6 months ago I met my first ever boyfriend on a dating app. It was GREAT. We clicked, we liked each other a lot, first date was amazing, and every other first for the both of us. Unfortunately, it was a semi-long distance relationship (he lived about 2 hours away) and almost two months into dating, he got a full-time job as he finished his last semester of school. He started having very little time for anything, and I could see it was draining him in every way. We talked about breaking up a couple of times, but never decided to do it. Then one day, four months into knowing each other, he tells me that he has to stop this. He simply has no time for a relationship, he felt like he had fallen out, and though he still cared a lot about me, he thought it would be better to end it. Additionally, he had a lot of other personal issues that he wanted to deal with alone, because he was not happy with the way he was treating me or others. And sadly, I agreed. I accepted the break-up, and even comforted him because he felt so guilty. Here is the issue: when he broke up with me, he asked me (repeatedly) if we could still be friends. He said he had no negative feelings towards me whatsoever, and really cared about me, and was so scared of losing me. I, being too scared of losing him because I loved him, agreed to stay friends and talk every day like we always did, even though part of me thought we should take a break to sort out our feelings. But everything was fine for a while. We broke up and stopped every flirty or lovey texting, we stopped seeing each other, and we even talked about our future with others. About three weeks after the break-up, during the most hectic moment for him in school and his job, he started replying less and less to texts, with short answers, or quickly dismissing me saying he was too busy, which I understood. I felt like I was losing him and I was so heart-broken because even though I had accepted losing him as a boyfriend, I wasn't ready to lose him as a friend. He was the one who had asked me to stay friends after all. I told him that I felt we were falling out, but that I understood he was busy. He, somewhat harshly, told me that yes we were falling out and that is was bound to happen. It seemed like he didn't care at all. We still kept talking a little, though less and less, and I started getting the feeling I was just annoying him with my texts. I finally reached a point where I was feeling too hurt and straight up asked him if he still wanted to talk to me, and I told him that, honestly, I still hadn't gotten over him. He dodged the question of talking to me and, very nicely, told me that I should take some space and figure out my feelings, admitting that I was being a bit overbearing. It wrecked me to hear this considering HE was the one who asked me to stay friends, and now was giving up without even telling me. But I agreed I needed to heal, and I stopped texting him as often. The thing is... I really really wanted to stay friends with him. I don't want him back as a boyfriend, I really don't. But it hurts me so much that it seems like he doesn't want to too. He still dismisses me the few times I text, only talking for like 2 minutes each time. I've been trying for more than a month to just forget him, to get over everything but I can't. Every once in a while I feel good and empowered and ready to either just be friends or blow him off. Other times, like right now, I feel weak and so pathetic. I despise myself for not being able to get over this like he did, for caring so much about someone who maybe doesn't care about me anymore... I truly want to keep him in my life as a friend, but it's hurting me so much that he rejects me. I don't want to confront him about this yet because maybe he actually IS busy and isn't rudely dismissing me, and it's all in my head. I wouldn't be surprised if this was it, because sometimes he does seem interested in talking. I am trying my best to get over it without cutting contact... But I can't seem to do it. Is something wrong with me? Should I not be over this? What can I do to just put all the feelings behind so that I can start fresh with him, just as pals, or not at all? Thanks everybody who takes the time to read this. TL;DR: been trying to stay friends with my ex as per his suggestion, but after a while he seems less interested and I feel hurt and can't get over losing him as a friend.
I read your whole post, and I would like to say that feeling as though you are still caught in the past whilst your ex casually 'moves' on with his life, alongside with feeling invalidated and taken for granted when it had been his initiative to remain in contact as friends, is one of the most painful things to go through post-breakup. It makes you, as an individual, feel small and in a sense 'abandoned' as he has 'given up' on you as you so succinctly put it. And understandably so you would feel hurt, as you two have gone from planning a future together, to confronting the fact that you two will be parting ways to pursue your own respective futures, to, in the end, not being a part of his future at all. There are very few words that I can offer you to make you feel better, but just take solace in the fact that you two had something very special at some point in time where the feelings were real. Take solace in knowing that, because things didn't work out with this ex of yours, all it means is that there is someone else out there waiting for you, someone you have yet to meet, and will of course meet in due time, and someone who will always make time for you, regardless of how busy they are- someone who will always make you feel validated and special, as though you aren't merely just an arising consequence of things, but makes you feel as though you are first- as though you are first in consequence-, someone who will hold your hand and take you with them through their personal struggles, not just drop you and go it 'alone'- someone who will make you feel important and special. It is always hard to get over feeling like this, and as you mentioned, you have your good days and your bad days where you will fall over and feel like crying. On those bad days where things are particularly reminiscent, you should pamper yourself; give yourself a treat, let yourself indulge and perhaps cry a little. Put yourself first... and pull yourself up when you fall again. I hope you are able to forgive yourself and repair the relationship you have with yourself. Hope you one day find the man that you so deserve one day as well...
First, I think you need a hug :hug: Hi, gollyjolly, welcome to EC. I can relate to your situation so much that it actually makes me realize just how far I've come dealing with a similar situation. Mystory has given you some very good advice, and coming from experience, I know how difficult it can be to move on. To make a long story short, I was dating this girl, but sadly things did not work out. And I felt like, if she wasn't going to be in my life as my girlfriend then I, at the least wanted to remain friends with her. However, I felt like I was putting too much effort into a friendship that wasn't going to last long anyway. Not only that, she wasn't putting in any effort that I could see; there was always an excuse for something. But then one day I realized that I had to stop because like any relationship it should be 50/50. The effort of lack thereof wasn't going to change, so I had no choice but to let go. It took me like a year so finally let go, but I did it. I guess I sort of had an epiphany, because I knew that she and I would have never been able to remain friends due to her relationship (she had gotten back together with her ex) and he disliked me. I still think about her occasionally but I'm sure that's normal. She was an important part of my life once upon a time as was your ex. They say that we never stop loving someone, we just learn to live without them. And that's what you're going to have to do in order to move on. When you feel yourself wanting to text him, don't, do something to take your mind off of him. That something could be anything that you enjoy doing, like reading, drawing, listening to music etc. You just have to keep yourself busy and soon enough he will be become a faded memory. Good luck
Hello GJ, first I want to give you a big (*hug*) Then seriously, to continue your friendship after fresh break up is next to impossible. Emotions still raw and feelings still unresolved. I think taking time a distance to let go of old feeling was more proper and then when you are in good place with yourself and you thing that this person worth to be in your life as a friend, then you seek contact with him a gain and start as a friend. This is my opinion, and I wish you the best.(*hug*)
That sounds brutal. It's agonizing to lose someone to whom you have become very close, no matter whether you might have been a couple or dear friends. I can tell that you and he had a strong relationship and completely understand how painful it must be to face this kind of change. Remember a couple of critical points regarding close relationships. One: Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, the other party doesn't want things to play out as you wish them to. That does not mean anyone is right or wrong, but it is a real asymmetry that sometimes causes profound pain. When this happens, you might have to accept that your ex won't react the way you wish he would. Again, I would like to stress that this doesn't imply that one person is right and the other is wrong. I only mean to say that this particular conflict of interests is very common and frequently very painful. Two: It is easy to think of yourself as, in your words, "overbearing". But remember that it is not wrong to want what you had (friendship), and that what you are feeling is natural. You are not wrong to desire his friendship, and you are not wrong to feel grief at what has changed between the two of you. It might be best for you to lessen your efforts to connect with him, but the longing to connect is very normal.
Thank you everybody who replied. Mystory you really nailed it. It feels so good to see somebody understand exactly what I meant. Your words really made my day and you're right, someday I will find someone better for me. I do remember the good times I had with him and they make me very, very happy. I'm sorry things might not turn out well now between us but I will always have that. Hopefully that feeling of abandonment will fade away soon. I do feel like I'm doing better than before. Thank you so much for your reply! Pink wow, it really does sound as what I'm going through. To be honest, it scares me that someday I too will give up on him. At this point, it hurts me to think that we will never talk again, and I want to stop that. But like you said, if it's not 50/50 then it won't work. I'm trying to let go and I've resolved to not text him again for now, while I completely sort out my feelings. The thing is... I don't want him to just be a faded memory. It breaks my heart to think that he will. That's why I'm trying to hold on in any way possible, to keep him present, and it hurts, but I feel like letting go completely would hurt so much too. Still, I will try to forget and move on. Maybe once I'm in a better state, it will be possible to be friends with him, but if it's not, then I'll be ready for that as well. Thank you ---------- Post added 11th Jan 2015 at 11:59 AM ---------- Spockbach Thank you for understanding. I have been trying to convince myself that neither one of us is in the wrong, and that wanting to be friends is OK. I just have trouble accepting the fact that he might not, and the worst part is not knowing. If he would just tell me that he needs space, I would be more than glad to give it... It's the not knowing where he stands that complicates everything. I feel like pressuring him into telling me won't help though; I have to move on by myself, whether he wants to keep me around or not. That's why I will try to lessen contact even more
