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Does he like me? Romance or bromance confusion please help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by ohbunnies, Jan 11, 2015.

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  1. ohbunnies

    ohbunnies
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    Okay, so I have this friend that I met when I was 14. I have also had a girlfriend since I was 14, which is part of what's making me feel so conflicted.

    We were 16 when we kissed for the first time. We somehow started talking with a small group of people about kissing someone of the same sex. Everybody in that small group had done it, except for me, so one of the girls in the group turned to my best friend and said "Well, what are you waiting for? Kiss him!" and I suddenly found myself with a lapful of bestie and his tongue in my mouth. I didn't think it would be that different, but weeks after I couldn't stop thinking about strong hands cupping my jaw, the feeling of short hair beneath my fingers, how surprisingly softly he kissed. We never spoke about it and I even pretended like I didn't remember the day after because I freaked out - not because I might not be straight, I have always thought that love between two human beings is an awesome and beautiful thing regardless of gender - but because I had a girlfriend for fucks sake and I never saw myself as a cheater.

    Another time, at another party, when it was only the two of us I wanted to try kissing him again
    and hoped to not feel anything, but he stopped me saying I was drunk and that I shouldn't do it.

    At this point, everybody thought we were a couple. We cuddled a lot, held hands and always hugged eachother goodbye. My girlfriend was very jealous. Her and my bestfriend weren't on very good terms because of that.

    He got a boyfriend and became very distant for a long while, which shocked and saddened me. Of course I was happy he had someone to love and to love him back, but I missed him SO MUCH. After almost a year though, me and my girlfriend started hanging out with him and his boyfriend again, and that became my group of friends. Skipping a lot of unneccesary details to this post, we decided to try ectsasy once, we are now 18 and that's the first time the two of us talk about feelings at all and we were basically attached by the hands the entire time. Our partners started talking to eachother, something about the way we look at eachother and how we should just kiss already. He asked them if they were serious. They were. He then turned to me and god, I remember it so vividly, how he brushed the hair away from my face and asked me quietly "do you want to? I want to" and just like that we were kissing, infront of them.

    A year later his boyfriend broke up with him. I still don't know why, and he doesn't want to talk about it.

    I'm 20 now, and we still kiss eachother occasionally on the cheek, sometimes on the lips, even when others are around, even my girlfriend. I thought my crush would disappear, but it's just like this big elephant in the room that everyone knows is there but refuses to acknowledge.

    He's told me he loves me a few times, platonically I assume, and one of the things he said that I will never forget is "I don't have many goals in life, but one of them is to always have you by my side".

    A few weeks after he told me that he said he was moving abroad and he wanted me to come with him. He knows damn well I have a girlfriend, but he didn't mention her saying that, so I'm totally confused by what he means? Does he want me to leave her?

    I can't leave her, she's not in the best of places mentally, she needs me and I love her. I love him too, but I don't know if it's just very passionate friendship, a crush that refuses to disappear even after 5 years, or if I'm truly IN love with him. He's my soulmate, that's for sure, but I don't know if the feeling is onesided. I literally have no idea how he feels about me.

    So, basically I have already made my decision to stay, but could you guys help me understand
    what he means and tell me wether you think his feelings for me are romantic or not?
    Do you think he knows how I feel about him, even though I'm not entirely sure myself?
     
    #1 ohbunnies, Jan 11, 2015
  2. WhiteShadows

    WhiteShadows
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    From the way he is behaving, and the fact we know he is gay, I think it's pretty certain that he likes you in romantic way.

    But you are correct; you have a girlfriend and you cannot cheat on her.
    But are you starting to feel more for your friend than you do for your girlfriend? This is something you need to work out.

    Since you've decided to stay with your girlfriend, I would suggest you explain this to your friend. Maybe tell him you think he's awesome and cute but that you have a girlfriend and want to stay with her.

    Good luck :slight_smile:
     
    #2 WhiteShadows, Jan 11, 2015
  3. IG88

    IG88
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    You could...

    1) Move with him and fall in love. Break up with gf.

    2) Move with him and bring your girlfriend, while being romantically involved with your girlfriend and platonic friendship with your friend.

    3) Don't move and stay with your gf.

    4) Move with him, while still being platonic and talk to gf often online/phone. (Although the temptation to cheat is greatest with this option).

    This is a tricky situation. You definitely can't cheat on your gf. However, if you have strong feelings for your friend then consider finding out his feelings about you. Ask how he feels about you, and if whether now or in the future he could develop feelings for you. If he does love you, then you could breakup with your gf and move, or ask if she would be willing to take a break while you figure things out (but know that that could end your relationship with her). You already know that he's attracted to members of the same sex, so maybe start off with saying that you have been questioning.
     
    #3 IG88, Jan 11, 2015
  4. Sek

    Sek
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    I personally don't agree with playing the 'guess his feelings' game. It's a dangerous one because you can read into things the wrong way, and create a whole scenario in your head that doesn't really exist.

    I think the best way to approach this is to talk to him and find out what he thinks is going on between you. If he reveals feelings towards you, then you need to consider whether your heart wants to stay with your girlfriend or go with this guy. From what I've read, it sounds like you want to pursue him but you feel like you have to remain loyal to your girlfriend because she "needs" you. I may be getting the wrong impression here, but you should consider how healthy of a relationship that is.
     
    #4 Sek, Jan 12, 2015
  5. GrumpyOldLady

    GrumpyOldLady
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    I think you should resolve your feelings about your girfriend before you get into anything else. You've been together with her for a long time, but you're still young, and it sounds like you're curious about what it would be like to date other people (crush or no crush). Just the fact that you have these feelings about someone else, whether it goes anywhere or not, is a definite sign that you need to figure out what 's going on in your relationship with your girlfriend, and decide if you really want to stay with her or if you're just reluctant to change the status quo. Not every relationship has to be forever, and there's no shame in parting and moving on if you're not sure about someone. I would find it worse to stay with her just because you feel you "have" to, or because you're afraid to try something new.

    As for your friend, I would just ask him how he feels about you. From what you described I imagine that he'd give you an honest answer. In the interest of fairness, I wouldn't do so until you decide what you want to do about your relationship with your girlfriend ... otherwise it almost seems that you want to keep her as a "backup" in case things don't pan out, which doesn't seem like the most healthy basis for a relationship...
     
    #5 GrumpyOldLady, Jan 12, 2015
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