I tried. I really did. But I just can't do it anymore. It's hard enough battling with my feelings of guilt and shame - but its even harder when the people you care about most probably remember you as an afterthought. I love my friends. They were everything to me. We were an inseperable trio... We'd support each other and laugh with one another. We wouldn't dream of leaving another behind. I knew that trios were 'bad'. I knew somebody would eventually drift away. But I reassured myself knowing that it would all balance out in the end. Little did I know, that third wheel would be me. I feel so stupid - first my crush on one of them and then my fretting over leaving the other out. I shouldn't have bothered. My crush used to take the bus with me, but stopped because taking the bus with the other friend in the opposite direction was much more convenient for her. I was taken aback slightly but I accepted it in the end. After all, we all shared the exact same classes save 2 or 3. I would see them every day, right? What does 20 - 30 minutes matter? Well after all that business with the crush (you can read my other threads) I began worrying that we were being exclusive. The other friend is hard to read at times, quiet and the 'stoic' of the trio. I tried my hardest to pull her into conversations I knew she would participate in. I tried to hold on to both of them and that was my biggest mistake. I thought I could have them both. Now its a completely different story. My crush hasn't shown anything resembling affection to me since school started (and she's the touchy type). They go off outside of class without waiting for me (unless they remember). I lose them in the crowd only to find them laughing with all their other friends about shows I don't watch and music I don't listen to. I've made the effort to watch the shows and listen to the music. I've tried to fit in but I guess I don't. After all this time with them, I'm thinking of leaving. When I disappear every break and lunch, none of them question it. I never hear a 'Kami, where have you been? We were looking for you!' Even though I'd wait till the end of time for them both. We sit together in class. When one is stuck on the work, they ask the other. When they're explaining it and I ask, I'm brushed aside and told 'wait a minute'. When I try to add my input to a conversation, I'm talked over. Do they even realise that they're slowly pushing me away? Last Friday was the limit. I had trouble with my work and I guess I was pestering her so eventually my friend said in a loud voice that I should figure out how to do it myself and stop coming to her. She then offered to help but I sensed her impatience and muttered 'leave it'. They don't even realise that I don't act myself around them. They'll tell each other personal stories about their families and I'll listen but never get a chance to tell them about mine. I feel as if nobody cares about me. I'm forgettable to them. The thing that hurts the most is that they don't realise most of the time what they're doing. They think I'm perfectly content trailing after them like some kind of ghost. I'm not. I would hang out with other people - I've tried - but I drifted away from everyone else. I'm cut off. If I leave, I have nobody. Yet I have no choice. It's better to be miserable and alone than to be miserable, alone and confronted with what you don't have. I'll miss her hugs. I'll miss her smiles. I'll miss the way her head sometimes rests on my shoulders or she squeezes my hand or hugs me. I'll miss the laughs and the joy and the jokes. I'll miss the comfort and the closeness and the certainity. But I have no choice. I know when I'm not wanted. I tried to kid myself but it isn't working anymore. Even seing ALL of them (about 5 in all) walking down the road together away from the bus stop - away from me - opened up a chasm in my belly. I had to look away but the tears were already spilling. Not one of them would look back. Why would they? Because after all, I'm just a third wheel. A forgettable, selfish, stupid third wheel.
(*hug*) Nobody could have known it would turn out this way. You were yourself, and that is ok. It might be possible they are especially close after school starts, and it evens out a bit. Don't be so hard on yourself.(*hug*) Give yourself a break. Are there a few other girls you could go along with ? Or one of the other five ? Would it help you if you talked to someone at your school, a counselor maybe ? What about getting into courses there, are there project groups, like for photography, where you could meet a few nice people and could develop a hobby you like ? Or a sports group ?
They're my only friends. There are no 'clubs' at my school except sports and people only go if it's mandatory. All of the others are in my crush's class. The other friend and I are in the same class. Besides, most of my class hate me because I reported them for bullying me.
I feel your pain because this was basically what happened to me in middle school because I was two years older than most of my other friends so I changed schools before them. For one and a half years in my new school I was alone and it was a really rough time for me. I eventually made new friends though, so maybe if you just hang in there everything will turn out fine. If you ever wanna talk, all you have to do is send me a wall message on here. I don't mind making new friends.
