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Stuck in a hetero relationship because of my family

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by valkyrieofgodod, Jan 14, 2015.

  1. valkyrieofgodod

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    It's been a while since my last post in here . Now I'm in a hetero relationship. The problem is now I'm stucked with it because of my family.

    I'm a bisexual girl who has cerebral palsy. Because of that everybody here in Vietnam assures that I can't have a relationship. Then I met a guy on ICQ. We talked a lot and he said he loved me a lot. I never bought that until I saw him in person. He really really loves me. It shows so damn closely that all the people around me can see it. They all surprise , curious and happy for me to have someone like him. His love really moves me so we start dating since then.

    The problem is I wanna make him happy so much but I don't really love him that way. He's so very kind, sweet, funny and all but I'm not really attracted to him. I feel safe staying in his arms , that is the most peaceful feeling in the world. And I thought I love him. Until my parents want us to get maried. Of course he wants it too. He can't stand living without me even for one day. That moment I get so damn scared. I realize I can never do that with a guy, things like getting married and have kids... Deep in my heart it feels damn wrong. I realize I just reflected all his love , not really love him. It's not the deep feeling I always feel for women. So I broke up with him. But my family objects that. They all think I'm nuts for leaving a good guy like him. They all say I never have that chance with someone like him because of cerebral palsy. My parents get really upset and forces me to go back to him. But I can do nothing about it. All my feelings for him is gone.

    Now I just feel damn bad and guilty. I wish I could make him happy like before. But I always feel something missing. I feel wrong about marrying him. I don't have that crazy feeling like I'm on a rollercoaster with him. Please give me some thoughts about this . Btw I'm sorry for my poor Eng.

    Thanks
     
  2. HunGuy

    HunGuy Guest

    It is wonderful that you found him, and he may really be a one-of-a-kind. But staying true to yourself is very important. If you don't feel comfortable with the idea of being with him, marrying him, having children with him, then don't do it. You still have the liberty to say no and not cause an emotional chaos in your and your family's life. After having kids it would be a thousand times more complicated and regretful decision to leave him.
    Don't go against yourself, because you will just hurt yourself. I think it's better to leave him now and hurt him a little, then leave him later and hurt everyone really bad.
     
  3. Straight ally

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    And you dont have to completiley seprate from him, if the is mature nought you two might agree to be great friends and support each other. And you could tell your family that you orefer being alone than being with a person you dont want to be with.

    ---------- Post added 14th Jan 2015 at 09:53 AM ----------

    They cannot force you to be with him, i suppose... I have a question, could you come out of the closet to him, and explain your situation to him... I mean i see you have some trust in him, and he loves you so maybe you could talk about your orientation snd feelings with him, explaining him so,ehting similar to what you explained to us about how you feel about woman, and how you really want to be with a woman.
     
  4. valkyrieofgodod

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    I did come out to him. He's totally accepting but he thinks it's not a prob between us. It's just the marriage pressure or I really don't wanna be with him ? Being with him feels good and sex is just great. I just don't wanna marry him or have kids . I just don't have those crazy intense feeling for him. I dunno what's wrong with me...
     
  5. kindy14

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    There's nothing with you. There is a song out now, "The heart wants what it wants." There is such truth in it. If the crazy, intense feelings aren't there, they're not there.

    I'm just out of a 21 year marriage where those "crazy, intense feelings" weren't ever there for me. I thought I was never going to meet anyone, so the fact that I met anyone who was into me was all new to me. I just went with it out of fear of being alone for the most part. BIG BIG BIG mistake. I've damaged a woman who I still feel for, but for who that intense spark doesn't exist. Would have been better to avoid the whole thing.
     
  6. valkyrieofgodod

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    I wonder if that intense spark is that important. I might just over- think stuff. I wish I could just ignore that weird need of crazy intense feeling and be happy with him. I don't wanna hurt him. We have a bond even though it's not strong as i want it to be. I just kinda wish I was straight. *sigh*
     
  7. Michael

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    Being straight won't turn automagically that guy wonderful in your eyes.
    Is there a chance to postpone marriage, or is your family pressing you to get married as quick as possible?
    What about your school, and your hobbies? Is your family aware that you might need more than a marriage to feel happy and fullfilled in life?
     
  8. valkyrieofgodod

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    Yeah that's the point. I have many other things I wanna do in life but now my family only think about me getting married. Like it's the only way to make me become valuable. Plus they want that I have somebody to take care of me when they get old. They have no trust that I can live on my own because of cerebral palsy. *sigh*. Getting married is not my priority now. I wanna live a free fully life and get the feel of a rollercoaster again. I just feel bad and guilty for leaving my boyfriend. :frowning2:. He's 12 years older than me so marriage really matters.:frowning2:
     
  9. Michael

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    You should try to talk to a teacher at your school, and ask about getting a scholarship, so you will have more options than just an arranged marriage. At your age, the more you focus on your education, the better you will be later in life. So please go and talk to a teacher, or the school master, don't miss the chance: This is about your life, your future. You can't exactly buy a new life or get a refund later.

    Also if you get a scholarship, you'll probably go somewhere else to study, a bigger city, or even abroad, who knows... Whatever it is the place, it will give you more chances of seeing how real life is out there, outside from what you know already, getting to know new kinds of people... Take a look at how big the world is, how full of possibilities even with your medical condition. Think about all the places you could go, the things you could do... Yeah, they are not endless, but they are much more than you thought, right?

    Give yourself a chance and have a serious talk about a scholarship with your teacher. And let us know how it went (*hug*)
     
  10. bicomplicated

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    Honey. Don't let anyone pressure you. If you aren't ready for marriage, don't get married. If you really wanna be with women, be with women. I know all about pleasing family. I've did my share of doing what pleases my family. But sometimes, you have just gotta think of you and do what is right for you whether it pleases your family or not. Also, as far as the spark thing...sometimes it doesn't happen right away. My current boyfriend, I wasn't attracted to him physically at all right away; but I was attracted to his wonderful personality. But he just seemed like a good friend in my mind. I wasn't getting any emotional connection being with him. But I think that was my fault. I put a wall up, partially because I had just gotten out of a horrible relationship and partially because I convinced myself that there is no spark. But I gave things a chance. But I told him not to rush things; lets take this slow. And I also have had moments I crave being with a woman (and have a woman also now) but he was very understanding of this since he is bi also. But the more I was with him, the more I opened up to him, the more the sparks were there, the more attractive he became in my eyes. And his pure kindness turns me on more than anything in the world. I truly love him now. I am glad I gave him a chance. I am not saying you should give this guy a chance. But I am saying, sometimes that spark takes time to develop. But I do know no one should be pressuring you into marriage or anything else. Just think about what is right for you and no one else. Be selfish when you think of your future. And then you will figure this out hopefully and make the right decission for you. Just make sure you are happy, honey!
     
  11. NatWheeled

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    Sounds to me like you're just not ready to settle down. How old are you? I too have a disability, arthrogryposis, which has me in a wheelchair. Have you told him you don't want to have kids? Does he encourage you to go out n explore life? Or does he think the same way your parents do?

    There's a sense of security in finding somebody to love you, but if you don't love him the same way then it won't last. Just cause he can do A, B and C doesn't make him the right partner. You Can live on your own with cerebral palsy, you can do amazing things!

    I met the most amazing woman and I'm so in love with her its crazy! Not because she can take care of me, nor cause she is in love with me. No, I love her cause she makes me laugh, smile and she makes my soul rejoice. She promises me the world, and I mean that literally. Anytime I say I can't do this or that...say cook for example...she always come back with "we'll find a way that you can". Even silly things like wanting to shoot a gun, she promises to find a way (I have a pretty weak trigger finger).

    Bottom line, don't settle. Don't be "in love" with somebody just cause he is in love with you. He's not the only fish in the sea and maybe isn't the right fish.
     
  12. valkyrieofgodod

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    The feeling I have for him is exactly the same feeling I have for my BFF except the fact that I enjoy sex with him. I love my BFF dearly and open up to her about just anything. Yet no spark flies. I dunno how to explain it clearly but I'm not really attracted to his personality even though he's so cute, sweet and funny.

    Moreover, we are in distance relationship. We only see each other every three months because he works in Austria and I'm in Vietnam. So i guess it makes things harder.

    I really appriciate your advice, hun. It helps me a lot !


    Well I'm defenitely not ready for settle down. I'm 24 but feel like 12 most of time lol. He's so understanding, just like your gf. He sees me , not the wheelchair and love me for who I'm despite the fact that I'm a hot mess. So I think that's why I'm trying to ignore how I feel and make him happy. I have a huge crush on a girl on a website for lesbian here but when she asks to see me I turn her down. I feel that if I just go to meet her then i would lost my interests for my bf. I gotta keep myself focus on him. It's really crazy that I feel that spark with a girl I never met but feel nothing like that for a bf i've been dating for 6 months. Am I a bad person? :frowning2:
     
  13. NatWheeled

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    No you're not a bad person. Honestly the only person who knows what you want is you. You've gotta choose. Will it hurt him if you leave him? Yes. But you've gotta think of your needs and wants...he'd get over it, eventually. Would you regret choosing him later down the road? Does he make you happy? Could a woman make you happier? Can you imagine yourself with somebody else? I can't imagine being with anybody other than my girlfriend.

    It might take awhile to find your answer...don't let anybody rush you
     
  14. bicomplicated

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    awww of course, you are not a bad person.
     
  15. banana1

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    > for a bf i've been dating for 6 months

    In my country people marry (usually!!!) after a few years ... Maybe we don't rush things here, but we live in different cultures... Maybe you can tell me something about the Vietnamese culture? I was never outside Europe, cause of the money^^

    If you like his company, spend some time with him and see where that goes?