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Need Advice? Controlling Family and making friends

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by IsThisHappiness, Jan 16, 2015.

  1. IsThisHappiness

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    I'm a 20 year old gay college student at a local community college. I've only been out for a little over a year but since high school, I find I keep losing friends rather than making them.

    My family, who I live with are super conservative Jehovah's Witnesses. They homeschooled me up until my senior year. I came out to them in my sophomore year but they denied I was gay, shut down my social life, bugged my electronics with spyware and sent me to therapy. They've said that if I "decide to be gay" there won't be a place for me in their family any more. Jw policy is excommunication even from family members.

    Fast forward a few years I have significantly more independence but still feel trapped. My family always demands to know where I am at all times and I'm not "allowed" to have friends that aren't of the religion. I have to make up lame excuses to even sneak out to have lunch with a friend. I also have to go to constant jw services and sermons on a weekly basis.

    I made a few good girl friends in my senior year but most of them have moved away or I've drifted away from. Since then I came out at work and to my few friends. I consider myself a easy to get along with person and don't have a hard time being liked but making and keeping friends is extremely difficult given my circumstances.

    I'm stuck at home work or school most of the time. My few friends are straight girls and I don't know any gay people. Honestly it sounds ridiculous but I feel extremely anxious and uncomfortable around guys especially gay ones. I have no idea how to meet people. I have really bad social anxiety and have a hard time putting myself out there but living at home in this toxic environment is killing me. Im planning for moving out but without friends to room with it seems daunting. I feel lonely and depressed and just really need people to relate to and hang out with.

    Anyways sorry for the long rant. If anyone has any advice for meeting people or wants to talk I would love it :slight_smile:
     
  2. PatrickUK

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    Welcome to Empty Closets IsThisHappiness. I’m really pleased you have been so brave in sharing your story with us and I hope you will stay with us while life is so difficult.

    When you have been isolated from society in a conservative, religious home there is no wonder you find it difficult to maintain some friendships. During your formative years your parents chose to homeschool you, and when you were brave enough to come out to them they responded with denial and rejection, closed down your social life and tapped your electronic equipment, before sending you to therapy. It’s therefore amazing that you are here today, on an LGBT forum, proudly declaring that you are gay. It says a lot about you and demonstrates real strength and resilience. So many people would have cracked under the extreme pressure. When you are feeling low and dejected just pause to consider how inspiring it is that you have not given up. If you're not proud of yourself, know that I am!

    Even though you have a lot more freedom now, you are far from a free agent who is able to determine his own path in life. Your parents still retain a degree of control while you are under their roof and it doesn’t make it easy for you at all. Unfortunately, you may have to play the long game and draw on that amazing strength some more yet. Try to keep your mind on the future though – a future when you are independent and able to make your own life decisions. I know it will be hard, but you have come this far and I have confidence that you can do it. I hope it will not be too long for you.

    When I look at those quotes together I see plenty of hope for you. Even though you spent so much of your childhood in a controlled atmosphere, you are a likeable person who is able to make friends. You've already managed to do it once and there is absolutely no reason to believe you cannot make friends again. It's not completely hopeless. The main issue doesn't seem to be making friends, it's keeping them amid the pressure of your controlled home environment. Hang onto self belief that you will have great friendships in the future.

    I'm sure you are aware of the impact that any future decisions may have on your relationship with your parents (they have made their feelings very clear about you being gay). When you consider all of that, how does it make you feel? Can you talk to us about it?

    There is no wonder you feel so anxious and it doesn't sound ridiculous that you are uncomfortable around gay guys. I'm afraid you haven't had the best social education, so there is a lot that you have missed out on. At times it must feel like a desperate situation for you in that home environment and I hope we can give you an outlet for some of the difficult feelings. Try as hard as you can to keep your mind on the future.

    There are lots of friendly people on here and it may help you to connect with us and break that horrible feeling of loneliness and isolation. In many ways it's less daunting to chat to people in a safe online forum like this and it can give you a little bit of hope, encouragement and confidence when you really need it. If you are able to participate in some of the threads you can even consider applying for full membership.

    Don't bottle things up. We do care and will try to offer you some friendly support. (*hug*)
     
  3. kindy14

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    PatrickUK - you are such a wise and compassionate man. You're advice and support is always encouraging.

    IsThisHappiness - You are a tough, and cute cookie.

    Remember you are an adult and have a broad range of choices.

    A buddy of mine was from a JV family. He joined the army at 17 (I think) Became a Ranger, and served in Afghanistan at the beginning. He has absolutely no contact with his family. And he is not connected with JV at all. He seems a pretty well adjusted guy, although he does have issues with PTSD.

    Figure out what options and control you do have over your life.
     
  4. Chip

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    Wow, that really sucks. While I haven't actually experienced that, i know a lot of people who have, and it's really tough.

    Most of the people I know who have grown up as JWs have ended up simply moving away from their families. It's generally always pretty traumatic initially, but usually, over time, the family comes to accept that their child is an adult and can make his or her own decisions, and still love and accept.

    There's no question that at your age, your parents should not be controlling you that way. Another option is to give them the choice of giving you the freedom you need and should have, or you moving out and losing contact. Sometimes that will snap them into reality... but sometimes not. If you do that, you should probably be prepared to move out if they aren't in agreement.
     
  5. IsThisHappiness

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    PatrickUK - Thank you so much for your kind response you literally made my day! :slight_smile:

    The future is the only thing that keeps me going. I have always had a very clear dream of a better life and eventual family with a husband and children. It just kills me that that I can't have that and my blood family, it's only one or the other. I have a semi supportive grandma and brother I've been honest with but my parents would do there best to keep us apart if I left. My family and I have a very strained relationship but in some ways we're also very close knit and imagining life without them is difficult. I know I c

    Life is just extremely lonely, at 20 years old I beat myself up that I'm not more independent. I feel like I watch other people's lives changing, progressing and moving on while I stay stagnated and alone. I try to sneak out and live my life but most of the time I feel guilty for lying, even though I have no reason too and rarely enjoy myself. an support myself and make a good life but without people to leave for it seems daunting. I do have options, I was just accepted into my medical assisting program and will be finished in about a year at which point I plan to move out. Sometimes I feel like I should run away and leave it all and be my own person but I also want to make sure I have a plan and good options.

    ---------- Post added 16th Jan 2015 at 10:06 PM ----------

    Kinda14- thank you :grin: I've actually considered that before but somehow I can't see myself in the army haha

    Chip- I definitely feel like that's how I'm gonna handle things when the time comes give them the options and let them be the ones to end the relationship if they feel the need to. Getting prepared is the only challenge :/
     
  6. BobObob

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    At this moment in my sleep-deprived state, I don't have much to add that hasn't already been said. However:

    I think it's great that you're making progress towards becoming independent.

    I can relate to much of what you're going through. I was also home-schooled by uber religious parents. Lying to one's own family is never ideal, but in your case I don't think you should feel guilty about it because they put you in a situation that strongly discourages honesty.
     
  7. PatrickUK

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    I'm really pleased that you came back to this thread and provided those responses. It helps us to understand things more clearly, from your point of view.

    If you have always had that dream, be sure to hang onto it. It's not an unrealistic or unreasonable dream, it's one you share with a great many people on this forum. It's just very sad that your parents are against you, and you shouldn't have to choose between following your dream or maintaining a relationship with them. You haven't chosen to create this tense situation - they have. Chip talked about giving them options in his reply and they certainly have the option to show love and respect or hostility and rejection. The ball is very much in their court - it is their decision to make, so let them make it.

    I'm sorry that you feel so lonely, but I say again that we are all here to help you through that. Empty Closets is a safe place to connect with like-minded people and hopefully find a way forward through the gloomy situation. You seem to have a plan and we can offer moral support and encouragement as you try to see it through.

    I can't tell you not to beat yourself up, but this situation is hardly your fault. You didn't isolate yourself from other people or deliberately deprive yourself of social contact. The fact that you are trying to live your life now without your parents knowledge tells me how much you are keen for change, and even though it's slow right now, you are making progress. Just coming here and sharing it all with us is a sign of progress. :thumbsup:

    Keep at it and stay with us. We're all rooting for you.
     
  8. IsThisHappiness

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    BobObob - I definitely agree I've tried to be honest in the past and it's only ever made things worse unfortunately. If you don't mind me asking, how has establishing yourself gone for you for since your experience?

    Patrick - again thank you are amazing! Those are some great things to remember. Staying positive and moving forward is my main goal cuz I think I do have things to be grateful for too! Definitely looking forward to meeting more people on here and hopefully sharing stories.

    ---------- Post added 17th Jan 2015 at 11:46 AM ----------

    More than anything I guess I just really wanna find new ways to meet and connect with people. That's the main reason I signed up here. Having friends in my life to hang out with and for support and vice versa makes all the difference in the world.