this is why i think gay men are the vilest creatures in the world :(

I'm sorry man. I can't even be sympathetic, 'cause I couldn't begin to feel what you're going through. I'm sorry that the gays you're meeting suck, and not just c*ck.

 

I'm sorry, but for the sake of offering a balanced perspective, I feel I must say that you are hanging out with the the wrong guys or looking in the wrong places. I apologise if it offends, but I just don't share your perspective at all and it would be remiss of me, as a self respecting gay man to sit back and allow your comments to stand without challenge. People reading this thread need to know that your experience is not indicative of life amongst all gay men. I know you didn't use the word all, but nor did you use the word some.

Don't get me wrong, I totally accept that there are some prize :***: within the gay community and it sounds like you have been unfortunate enough to meet more than your share - I really am sorry about that, but I simply don't accept that it's any better for straight people.

I'm genuinely sorry that you are finding life so hard and it sounds like you are going to extraordinary lengths to fit in... well beyond what I (and I suspect many other gay members of this forum) would do.

I'm not trying to paint gay life as a bed of roses (I know it's not), but I can't allow your unbalanced opinion to go without challenge either, no matter how much I feel for you. To say that gay men are the vilest creatures in the world is a grossly unfair misrepresentation and other people reading this thread need to understand that.

 

Oh thank God. Patrick got here before me and was able to be more civil than I feel--but I mean come on, you're insulting me and at least half of my friends. All I can say is that I have been out and about for over twenty years in a variety of places and I have always found the "average homo next door" to be fun, sensitive, kind but with a biting wit and more loyal than I ever would have thought--I feel deeply privileged to be part of a community where people, when faced with the decision whether living a life of love and honesty was worth risking everything, made the right choice. Yeah, I've met a handful of people who were genuinely the way you describe, but honestly only a handful.

Oh and as for the literal "homo next door," he's a nice young man who occasionally invites my partner and I over for dinner--he makes a really good lasagna.

 

Kindly walks away from this thread and agrees with what others have said above.

 

You sound pretty angry with yourself, really. You've got some answers already, but I guess you're also looking for some confirmation, so here goes.

Yes, dating apps and internet dating in general can be a total nightmare. It's easy to get stuck in a vicious cycle where you stubbornly try to be optimistic and maintain a positive attitude, just like all those well-meaning (but naive) friends and acquaintances tell you to. So you try out the apps, you try a bit harder, you change your photos, appearance, you work on yourself -- you change everything and it's never enough.

An archived article, "why you should never pay for online dating" from a famous dating site, explains the cynical commercial side. If you still haven't been 100% put off yet, I recommend reading it. There's the entire internet where people can chat for free, except for dating sites. And what do they offer? A search function, and a mix of equally gullible people and hardened cynics who play the field. It doesn't work. Even if the apps and sites are free, it doesn't change the pathology that much. Read the article.

I would kindly suggest some time-out. Learn to enjoy being single. I'm more in a quasi-straight boat, but your frustration resonated with me.

One thing I'm trying lately is to do a lot more frowning in public. It is so satisfying! My family was always frown-phobic, trying to fix my attitude so that I would look nice according to their preferences. But let's face it, I'm never going to date my mother, and I'm not looking for a carbon copy of her either. What do I find when I frown more? People notice me a lot more. They act nicer. I don't get pushed around and ignored quite so much.

Another thing I'm trying out is avoiding eye contact, especially with the people that I find most attractive. A self-discipline thing. It's doing doing wonders for my latent anger. I don't know how I still notice it, maybe it's my peripheral vision, but people throw a lot more glances at me. I feel a lot less ugly that way.

 

Lasagna, wow, I'd really like to meet him!!!!!! And I guess that's the point. The scene is the scene. But yoy can meet a lot of really nice gay guys in normal places like next door, or lgbt alliances, or meetups, or even gay friendly churches. Meet gay people who are interested in yoy as a friend. Straight people have to deal with a lot of the same issues too.

 

Oh man, do I understand you But that´s what life is all about, weather you are in the closet or out of it. But let me tell you this...without getting out of there you would be feeling much worse. Life isn't that easy or simple for anyone. One just has to find an own way to deal with life and know what to want. And definitely not to make yourself an image, where someone else wants you to fit. Just be yourself and someday you´ll meet that special guy...who knows...

 

Ah well, any orientation deals with things like this. Dating and relationships (of any kind) in general is just a pain.

 

Yaknow, I have felt very similar for a long time, and only just recently I decided that fitting in to the 'gay guy' form was totally unnecessary. You have a right to feel this way, but I agree with Ningyo in that blaming just gay men is wrong, and any scene has its hardships.

 

I think some people don't understand the generational differences. In my opinion while the attitudes of some men are to contribute, the growing "online" aspect of dating and meeting people just causes moral to fall cause people are generally ignored like the OP is if they don't follow a set criteria of "good looking". This generation is pretty shit and twisted imo, but it will improve when people wise up. The culture of a particular app and it's detrimental impact don't help things I suppose, but the way I look at it, is that if you look in scummy places for people, you'll generally find scummy people. It's hard but just cut out negative influences, cause if a guy deems himself too "attractive" to talk to you, he's the idiot with the problem, and tbh he's a twisted, toxic individual, and realistically do you want someone like that in your life?

 

I'm sorry, and I'm even very new to this, but still, if one of your first interactions with the gay guys you are coming in contact is to talk about the particulars of your penis (I mean that would have to come up first before they could reject you for that reason), then I'd say you are in fact definitely looking in the wrong places if you want more than hookups and superficiality.

I've actually had some surprising early success with dating sites (not hook-up aps! There is a fairly large difference imo), but as with many things it takes some patience and sometimes a bit of persistence. And like people said meetups or LGBT sports groups or other things are hopefully options for you too, there are a lot of big cities in Texas.

I just feel like this "gay scene" you are experiencing is by no means indicative of most actual gay guys.

 

Unfortunately society's unrealistic standards are taking their toll on the gay community as well. The media tells us we have to be ripped and whatnot, we have to behave according to the stereotypes, or else we aren't considered gay, we are considered self-hating homophobic oddballs. Many people succumb to this idea, and forget that what they think to be right might not be what society/the media says to be right. Sex gets so much attention in the gay world (as well as in the straight world), that many people think it's all there is to being gay.
All I can say is look around here on EC. I was terribly afraid of the reactions of people here because I thought they might reject me, but over time I realized this place is full of intelligent, kind people, who's company (even if it's just virtual) I enjoy very much.

 

I don't think there is anything I can add here that hasn't already been said already. I too, am more than slightly offended by the title and topic of this thread, though I suppose under your circumstances it would be unfair to hold this against you.

Nevertheless, my theory here is that you have a huge misunderstanding of gay people in general. Too make the assumption that everyone is interested in the same music, body type, and big dicks shows just how little you truly know about the community you are trying so hard to fit into. This community is filled with people from all different backgrounds, with huge differences in hobbies, opinions, and attraction. To group everyone together as vile based on your poor experiences (which to be honest seem predetermined by poor choices you have made) is rather unfair and ignorant.

Perhaps you should spend less time catering to what you think everyone else is looking for, and spend a little more time being happy with yourself. Confidence and happiness attracts the right people who will love you for you, and vanity and lies attract people who reject you for penis size.

 

Fully agree with everything that has already been said. We aren't all like the 'vile creatures' you make us out to be.

A couple things I'd like to address though:
1. Dating apps? Come on man, everyone knows they're pretty much just hookup apps. You say you want someone to love; there are other avenues you can explore if it's a relationship partner you want.
2. Since when has Justin Bieber in Calvin Klein underwear been the epitome of attractiveness?
3. Plainly put femininity is in no way a tragedy. Just as some people find masculinity attractive so do others femininity.

One thing I applaud you on is the fact that you did come and share your thoughts with the EC community (even though it rubbed a few of us off the wrong way). I hope you can take the comments that have been made in stride. Things will turn around for you eventually, chin up

 

What, so you think the same doesn't happen to straight people?
You need to change your perspective.
Of course the guys on dating apps are going to be mostly horny superficial douchebags. It's a cheap and easy way of getting sex. Surely you must be able to figure this out...

Maybe instead of so desperately looking for love you should just have your doors open and let it come to you.

 

I agree with what has been said so far. Although I only know a few gay men personally; they are awesome men who treat people with respect. Not saying they would pretend to be into someone they are not into; but they would be nice about it at least if they reject someone. Also, dating apps... sure way to meet assholes. Gay, straight, whatever. Dating apps aren't the smartest way to meet people. Though I know it's easy to turn to when meeting people is hard. But I really don't think you should lump all gay men together this way (you are a gay man yourself afterall) or any other group of people for thar matter. There are assholes out there no matter what orientation. Actually the majority of assholes I have met have been straight men, but I won't lump all them together as assholes either cause I have met nice ones too. Anyway, it has nothing to do with their orientation; just what kind of person they are. I hope you have better experiences in the future.

 

Along with what others have said...

I think this is part of the problem. First, it is better to be yourself, then to put on a fake persona. And second, don't be rude... I think that may be part of what is pushing people away... And rudeness is not a "masculine" trait.

 

Hey, brother! Welcome to the community, and you just plop yourself down and take a seat. :3

I know exactly what you're talking about. I just got back from the gym, where I run seven miles, four miles with my left calf so cramped that all the circulation was got off to my foot. I run 30-35 miles a week. All to try and lose weight so that someone will want to top me. Despite all my effort over the past year, I've lost hardly any weight. I still have a gut, and I know that my gut is what stands between me and having other people desire me.

Almost all of the gay or bisexual men in my area on the hookup apps have "father-son roleplay" as an "into," are 40 or older. The other two guys are people I've already had experiences with and didn't like. One guy I had a date with, and it seems like things went well. And then on the second date, he basically ignored me, humiliating me in front of his friends.

So ya. I get it...

However, I'd like to point out a couple of things. You just had a bad run. That's it. But that bad run is not all of the gay scene.

Full disclosure, I'm transfeminine, so I'm not really your "audience" as it were, but I'm trying to be encouraging here, so leave me alone. :3 I'm just trying to show you that not every male-bodied person attracted to male-bodied people feels the same way as you anticipate they might.

1. I prefer feminine people of all genders. So if I were in a straight relationship, I'd still want to be with one of the girlier guys. I'm actually the opposite of impressed by hypermasculine traits that you mentioned, like "being rude."

2. You don't have to be in perfect condition for me to be attracted to you. I want someone who is healthy enough to protect me in a fight. Regular physical activity is a plus, but I think 3-4 times a week, and one hour, not three, is what's reasonable to expect in a partner. Big arms don't mean much to me. Martial prowess, on the other hand, means a lot.

3. This may be TMI, or whatever, but in all the "play" I've done with myself, I've never been able to take anything really big or really long. So what I'm saying is that not all of us are size queens. In fact, some of us need our partner to be "just average" or even shorter than average. I am one of those people.

Long story short, not everyone's the same, and it's bad to assume things are hopeless, and you'll never find the right man.

Adrienne (*hug*)