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Boyfriends family gave him the ultimatum

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by sandhorsey, Jan 19, 2015.

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  1. sandhorsey

    sandhorsey
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    I have been seeing a guy for about two months who is not out to his very religious family (his grandfather is a minister), yet. His grandmother was rushed to the hospital with chest pains and I am certainly understanding and worried on her health. I texted him when he told me this news and I texted him back "She and You are in my thoughts, know that I am here and that I love you buddy." Well his brother (who was also at the hospital) intercepted the message [he was using his brothers phone], and proceeded to tell the family that Drew is getting love texts from a guy. Now his whole family is interrogating him and they have given him an ultimatum "if they find out he is talking with me, they will stop talking to him"

    He is not under their roof, he does have his own place, and I told him that I love him and will be here for him and will support and take care of him because of our love.

    This is so very stressful for him and I, and we have limited contact right now because he is under scrutiny of his very religious family. My main concern is his grandmothers health, and our relationship obviously takes a back seat to that. I have never met his family and my heart is full of worry for her health. I am worried that he is going to feel pressure to side with his family and cut me out of his life and be "straight".

    We care very deeply for each other, and he is a great guy. I am out and my family is aware of it, but I did not have the family guilt/religion/God pressure weighing on me when i did so.

    I am sure now that his family knows and they are using their guilt and his grandmothers hospitalization as leverage to make him straight.

    What should I say or do to help him? I do not want to lose him, nor do I want to pile onto his stress with ultimatums of mine. Nor do I wish to cause him any additional grief with his family.

    all advice would be greatly appreciated.

    Thanks in advance.
     
    #1 sandhorsey, Jan 19, 2015
  2. Aniot

    Aniot
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    Hi there :slight_smile:

    I see you are really worried about your bf. In my opinion you should give him some space for now that his grandmother is hospitalized, tell him just that you are there for him when he needs you. If something goes wrong with his grandmother, his family will accuse him of being the cause of it, unfortunately.

    Don't pressure him and be there for him. Is all you have to do :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Aniot, Jan 19, 2015
  3. sandhorsey

    sandhorsey
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    Thank you for your kind words!! I miss him terribly and not being able to even talk with him on the phone or to be able to see him in person is heart wrenching. I know that I do not want him to have any more stress on top of the shame/guilt/anger his family is throwing his way. He is a mature thinking adult and it is horrible that his relatives are putting him through all of this unnecessary pain. It is shameful the way his "christian" family throws so much hatred towards him about his lifestyle, and I hope they do not try and make him go somewhere for "reprogramming" as part of their ultimatum.

    Hanging in there, or trying to..... Please keep up the encouragment gang, every one of us are amazing and courageous people.
     
    #3 sandhorsey, Jan 20, 2015
  4. KyleD

    KyleD
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    Just consider this as a test for your relationship of which I'm sure will work out in your favour. Give him some space for now. In the meantime take care of yourself - go to the spa, buy something nice for yourself, go out with some friends. :slight_smile:
     
    #4 KyleD, Jan 20, 2015
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2015
  5. bicomplicated

    bicomplicated
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    I am so sorry you guys are dealing with this. My own family have skewed views. So I know about dealing with family craziness. At least he is living on his own. So that should make things somewhat easier. I agree, you should probably give him space since his grandma is sick. When this is over, hopefully your relationship can move on in a positive way. I hope his family does not come between the two of you.
     
    #5 bicomplicated, Jan 20, 2015
  6. offmychest

    offmychest Guest

    well his family sounds disgusting. they will likely try and keep him from talking to you. so he may have to hide it which means you may see or hear from him less.

    he could have lied to them and said you were just friends. "i love you buddy" could be friendly as well.

    there's nothing you can do. do not add pressure to him. he has a grandmother that is very ill and you really can't text him right now. just wait to see how he reaches out and then take it from there.
     
    #6 offmychest, Jan 20, 2015
  7. Ritor365

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    That's an awful situation to be in, sorry that you both have to go through it :frowning2: However, from reading what you wrote him when he was at the hospital, you could both easily play it off as friends if needs be; you simply said you and her were in your prayers, and said "I love you buddy"; given the circumstances, I've heard a lot of straight guys say that to their male friends as a means of comfort.

    I don't know if that helps but it might be worth a shot to try and play it off as friendship?
     
    #7 Ritor365, Jan 21, 2015
  8. confuzzled82

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    Hmmm.... I'm not certain about you, but if my family saw that, they wouldn't really think anything of it. I mean, that'd be seen more as a sign of support than anything. Maybe that's just how my family and friends are, though.
     
    #8 confuzzled82, Jan 21, 2015
  9. sandhorsey

    sandhorsey
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    You guys and gals are AWESOME. I actually got to hang out with him tonight and it has been really tough for him (me as well). I did tell him that I would never be the kind of guy who would throw an additional ultimatum at him with everything else on his plate. He does care a lot about me, and he has been texting me when he can, hence our meeting up tonight. His grandmother is stable for right now, she had a stroke and now has an irregular heart beat. I am so happy that this forum exists and the kind words of encouragement, your support, and your weighing in on this topic have touched me deeply.

    I am so blessed , as we all should be, that this site and similar avenues of communication are available for us LGTB people.

    THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART!!!!!!
     
    #9 sandhorsey, Jan 22, 2015
  10. quebec

    quebec
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    So glad to hear that things are at least a little better! Everybody's right about him needing space, but what it really is - he doesn't need any additional pressure. His grandmother's sick and his family is down his throat...so if you really do care for him, make sure he knows you are available by phone, text or in person at any time and in any place, but other than him contacting you, you will keep your distance for his sake. Love always means wanting the best for the other other person. Let him know you're right there in the shadows the instant he needs you. At some point he is going to have to make the choice that his family is forcing on him. It's too bad they don't understand that love is big enough to handle their entire situation and even more. It would be such a comfort to them. David
     
    #10 quebec, Jan 22, 2015
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