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I'm falling for my straight best friend. I can't lose another friend this way, again

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Spirit, Jan 20, 2015.

  1. Spirit

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    So. I'm realizing that I'm starting to have romantic feelings for my straight best friend, M. Previously in our friendship, when we weren't as close as we are now, I had some feelings for her. But due to some unforeseen circumstances, they're back and I don't know what to do. But before I can fully launch into to talking about her, I need to quickly describe two people that have been indirectly involved, and influence the situation. Ill try to keep this as brief as I can, and for the long versions, look at my previous threads.

    First we have, V. I was friends with V since freshman year, and I had a crush on her for most of that time. She was a really bad friend, never kept promises, always flaked out on me, and didn't care if I was hurt by that. This school year, she sat a lunch with M and I. Right before Christmas of 2014 our friendship ended very suddenly. I found posts on tumblr about how she hates me and thinks I'm psychotic. It was over as soon as I saw the posts, we haven't spoken since.

    And S. S was my straight high school crush. We were very close friends, and has this intense connection. I fell for her <b>hard</b> and when she found out, it ruined our friendship. That happened Christmas of 2013. Dealing with this loss has been the worst experience of my life. It's been very hard for me, but I had been doing better.

    Okay. So I've known M since the start of sophomore year. She's been with me through all of this, she knows I'm gay, and she knows about nearly everything that has happened with S and V. She's the sweetest person, but also hilarious and kind of brash. Our friendship isn't as intense as my friendship with S was, but that might be a good thing. About a year ago, I did have feelings for her. They were partly influenced by the pain I was feeling from dealing with S. I was lonely, and desperately wanted someone to care for me in that way I had imagined that S could. I spent a lot of time around M because of a shared school activity, and as time went on I saw for sure she's straight. She's had two boyfriends since we've met, and she's never mentioned any real doubt about her heterosexuality. The feelings went away on their own.

    Back to the point. My relationship with V ended about the same time as my relationship with S did the year before. And because of the memories of S, and fresh pain from V, I had an emotional relapse. I started missing S in a way I hadn't done in months. I started thinking about the relationship we could've had. After I got back from Christmas break, those feelings started to fade, but they haven't gone away completely. Some of those feelings have transferred to M, but not all of them. I do have organic, genuine feelings for M, right now. When I see M at school, I'm not really focused on what we're or anyone else is saying, instead I'm finding myself thinking about kissing her, or dating her.

    I've gone through the pain of losing one straight best friend due to a crush I couldn't control and I don't want to do it again. I went to some very dark places before and I don't know if I could get out of them a second time around.M is huge part of my support system, and I don't want to think about her not being there. Aside from my personal knowledge of my mistakes I made when dealing with S, what can I do to keep my feelings for M in check? It would be hard to spend less time with her: we sit together at lunch, have a class together, and work together closely in a school activity. What, if anything, can I do? (I know that the feelings will probably go away after time, but I don't want to leave that up to chance.)
     
  2. Zoey13

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    Re: I'm falling for my straight best friend. I can't lose another friend this way, ag

    Hey, I don't have a lot of advice because I'm new here but I also have a crush on my best friend. She has a boyfriend though so it really hurts sometimes. I just really miss her and I still see her a lot but it's different ... She is also the first person that made me question my sexuality. I don't know if I'm gay/bi or not but I imagine kissing or dating a girl. I just wanna let you know that you're not alone. I can't imagine how much it must have hurted to loose S and V but remember, if they dropped contact with you because of that they're not real friens. M sounds like a really good friend so I don't think she would leave you if you tell her that you have a crush on her, but I don't know if you should tell her. Every one is always like "you have to tell the truth" but idk in my case I wouldn't win anything with it, I could only loose her. It depends on the situation though, maybe it's better if you do tell her, I have no idea ... But don't let this bring you down, you're gonna find someone at some point in your life, I'm sure! Just stay positive and smile, it helped me a lot :slight_smile: and if you ever want to talk to someone, feel free to message :slight_smile:
     
  3. Spirit

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    Re: I'm falling for my straight best friend. I can't lose another friend this way, ag

    Thank you for your kind words! I'm not planning on telling her, even though I don't think she would do what S did. That is a chance I am not willing to take.

    I'm starting to worry that M is catching on to the fact that I like her. It's getting harder to remind myself not to look at her, or touch her arm occasionally. I should mention that she an expert is body language, so I'm kind of fucked there. And now there's the possibility that I might go to prom with her, in a group of friends.... Oh god. I need advice. How do I stop myself from falling even farther? Should I distract myself by trying focusing on another girl? When I was friends with S, I was able to distract myself by focusing on the romantic feelings I had had for V since a month into our friendship. I realize that sounds really unhealthy, but it worked for a few months, I genuinely had feelings for V again. What do I do? I really need help.
     
  4. Spirit

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    Re: I'm falling for my straight best friend. I can't lose another friend this way, ag

    I really need help here. I'd appreciate any advice I that I got.
     
  5. Anexd

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    Re: I'm falling for my straight best friend. I can't lose another friend this way, ag

    It is a difficult situation you have landed yourself in. It seems like M. is a really good friend and she has been there for you when others have failed you. I find it only natural your feelings have evolved the way they have.

    My advice, take what to you that you want, would be to take the distance you can allow yourself to take to clear your mind and to reflect on the feelings you have for M.
    Perhaps they will disappear again if you take some time for yourself - because you have gone through some heartache recently - and it's probably not the best to put yourself through it again so close to the last. Seeing as you say she is straight it will most likely not result in anything good. Who knows maybe you will soon meet a new girl who will really like you. Time can both mend and surprise you.
     
  6. Sapphire

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    Re: I'm falling for my straight best friend. I can't lose another friend this way, ag

    Classic. Been there done that, this too shall pass :slight_smile:
     
  7. Zoey13

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    Re: I'm falling for my straight best friend. I can't lose another friend this way, ag

    Hey, i think not telling her is a good choice. I'm also never gonna tell my best friend, so I understand you're not taking the risk. I agree with Anexd, the best thing you can do is trying to think about other girls, it's going to be a long proces but it will get better. You obvieusly need her, so staying her friend is probably the best thing you can do. I know it's hard but one day you'll find a girl who will make things a lot easier. Sometimes you just have to wait, things will get better though :slight_smile: