In a long term relationship but my mind is drifting

Hey Tycho,

In any relationship especially one that is spanning more than a year i find that, ofcourse your thoughts are going to drift, You'll meet new people and what will be will be.

Me and my partner (now ex unfortunately as of December) always that if we ever found ourselves attracted to someone else, we would tell eachother and talk about it.. I don't know what kind of relationship you and your girlfriend have but it could be an option if you are both fairly level headed and not volatile.

When i say attracted i mean more than a passing glance, or thinking about future encounters.

I know for most people it would be awkward to talk about these things with their partner, but who better to tell you if its just passing moment then someone who knows you the most ?

Although i myself have never got to the stage where either of us had to talk to one another, ofcourse i did find other people attractive but i always asked myself

If i had a choice of having sex with them, or laying in bed doing nothing with my partner.. what would i choose ?

My partner always won, i know sex isn't paramount at all but its something "binding" to me so i always used that as a example.

Hope this may help a tad, sorry i couldn't give you a opinion based on experience

 

Well, I can give an opinion based on experience... and it's actually much the same as Kai in the previous post: keeping it a secret strengthens it, talking about it defuses the situation.

To start off: it's pretty normal to occasionally let your eyes and your mind wander. When you're freshly in-love, it's an all-consuming passion. Every conversation feels vibrant with new revelations, every time you're together is a timeless moment, and you tend to forget that other people even exist.

It's also not sustainable. Even the best athletes can't keep at top level forever, and neither can your brain sustain being totally consumed with love.
That's not necessarily a bad thing, mind you. I'm not totally obsessed with my boyfriend all the time as I used to be. But on the other hand, only now do I really start to appreciate how he just gets me. How easy it is to enjoy myself in his presence. How nice it is to know there's somewhere out there who is always vaguely thinking of me (and vice versa).
Occasionally I wonder "is this something I want to continue?" and the answer is always an instinctive yes. couldn't tell you exactly why, but there it is.


At the same time... I meet a ton of cute guys just doing my day-to-day thing. A nice new colleague, a cute guy who always sits in the same carriage of the train, the barista in the starbucks who always winks as he wishes me a nice day... I'm not blind to see that they're attractive, and my mind occasionally wanders to wondering what it'd be like if I was completely single and I asked them out and they'd say yes. And hey, maybe with some of those people it would have worked out pretty well too!

But you can't just have it all. (well, depending on the terms of the relationship, but this isn't a thread about polyamory).
And so, when I talk about my day, I just offhandedly mention the barista, and how he totally made me almost walk into the door. And next time, my boyfriend jokingly offers me a coffee and winks, and I remember how I love his sense of humour and the barista is half forgotten already.

Discussing things often helps in not forming full-blown crushes, but if one were to ever happen, I'm sure we could discuss it like adults.


So: maybe this is something you can bring up with your girlfriend. Try to do it casually and see if it lightens the mind. In the end, it can end up strengthening your relationship instead of weakening it!

 

I can completely relate to what Tycho is saying.Its happened to me on more than one occasion.I started having actual crushes on other women when i was in my last 2 previous relationships.
I also used to question my feelings for my girlfriend.If i was crushing on other women,it had to mean something wasnt right in my relationship surely or i wouldnt be experiencing it in the first place? To be honest,by that stage i dont think i was happy with my partner.
Not sure if this helps!