Someone to talk to :(

To be honest, it sounds like you're dealing with a lot of stress from a lot of different directions. So, a few ways you might approach this:

If you think your friend would be respectful of you being gay, then come out to him. You don't have to tell him you've fallen for him, or at least not yet, but after you've had a chance to come out to him and he's processed that, you could tell him you like him, too. Now, I don't suggest this from the angle of trying to "convert" him or sweep him off his feet, but if you can express your feelings to him and have it confirmed that he is straight, he likes you as a friend but isn't into you, etc., it could help give you a lot of closure and move on from this.

Losing weight and having trouble sleeping sounds concerning. If you can make time to get some good rest, however much time you need, I would recommend that - and if you can keep yourself on anything like a regular eating schedule, even just some soup or something if that's all you can handle, it could help a lot.

Or, in line with my first suggestion - you mention "fighting your emotions." This could be a big part of why you're having trouble - fighting them isn't healthy. Confronting them, coming to terms with them, accepting them and giving yourself permission to feel the way you're feeling - these things would be healthy. Maybe you don't have to tell your friend, but it would be nice if you could find someone to tell. Of course, coming to EC is a start, so if you feel like it's helping, by all means, keep posting.

 

come out to him then try and come out to your most trusted friends

 

I'm pleased you created this account and you really don't need courage to bring your worries and concerns here. We are all in the same situation as you, or we have been there. While you are struggling with all of these feelings return here for help, support and conversation. It's a place where you can be the real you, without fear.

You said your cultutre considers it "bad" to be gay, but what do you think? Do you think it's bad? Can you say exactly why it might be so bad? It's really important to ask yourself these questions and consider your answers very carefully. Come back and let us know, if you can.

From all you've told us, the depression and suicidal feelings seem intricately connected to your sexuality and feelings for your friend. You said you want to fix the problem and you've told yourself that it's not going to work with your friend - no matter what. Whilst that may be true, it's not really the most logical way to set about "fixing" everything. If you are a logical person you need to look at the deeper issue and that's not actually your friend - it's your sexuality. It means following the advice from Gravity:

I'm sure it feels very scary to even contemplate the idea of confronting your feelings, but you are not alone on that journey. This forum exists for people like you and the many other members who are in exactly the same position as you. Sharing our experiences gives us strength and inspiration. Don't struggle with this alone.

 

Religion often clouds the issue of coming out Massimo and if we have grown up with very specific messages about right/wrong it takes time and effort to change perspective and look at things from a very different angle. I'm pleased you don't see being gay as "bad", but I can understand how difficult it is if you have heard these messages throughout your life.

It's not all doom and gloom though. Across the world, long held views about same sex relationships are changing -- the old order is crumbling and giving way to new ideas and fresh thinking. Even staunchly Catholic nations like Spain and Portugal have legalised same sex marriage and the current Pope is trying to change ideas within the worldwide church. The tide is turning in our favour.

You have opened up to your friend a little and he has been kind in his response. Don't rush into things, but have a think about telling him the truth. You don't have to disclose your feelings for him immediately, but if you could come out to him it may life a huge weight.

Thinking ahead, do you have any future plans? Have you ever considered the possibility of relocating for work and to find love?

Try to stay positive and don't fall into the trap of thinking that love is beyond your capability. A negative outlook can drag us down to a much darker place.

Stay with us and keep talking.

 

HI Massimo. You are not alone in the way you are feeling and the way that you are worried and concerned about things. Trust me whn I say that I could have typed your original post almost word for word with my own experieinces I too struggled with my sexuality and stayed firmly in teh closet until I was 41 and then I made friends with a gay guy who I felt coming out to and he suggested i tell just a few trusted friends who could help and supprt me, which I did and then I made the decision that I had to tell my parents and my siblings. Telling my mum was teh hardest thing ive ever had to do but I just KNEW i had to tell her and buck up the courage. And lucky for me she was and still is 100% supportive, as is teh rest of my famliy.

Like you, I too was brought up in a religion where homosexuality is considered one of the worst possible sins, second only to murder. But slowly over the period of the last few years I have come to realise that religion and God are not the same thing. Religion may not approve of gay people, but god certainly does. God doesnt judge us for who we love or who we are attracted to ..God loves us no matter who we love. That is what God really is


After I came out I really really sufferd very badly with depression because finally stepping out the closet and facing that long pent up feeling suddenly allowed everything else from my life to come to the surface and be forced to face and cope with too....so teh depression and suicidal feelings ensued. Added to that I fell in love with the gay friend tha tI first came out to and eventually told him how I felt about him ..he siad he already knew but he and I talked about it and we both realise that we both mean too much to each other and our very close bond and friendship we have is far too special and precious to bith of us for us to ruin it with anything sexual. Apart from that he has finally come to reallise tha the is in fact more asexual than homosexual anyway. We are still very close now as we ever were.....so it is possible to tell a friend how you feel and for things to still be good between you afterwards
I am telling you all this because my story is not so different from your own..just wanted you to know that you need never feel you are the oly one suffering things like this

I too wonder if anyone will ever love me, just as you do for what it is worth, I have never been with a man in any way, shape or form...no kisses, no holding hands..nothing....so I too wonder if anyone out there wil ever want to do those loving and intimate things with me too

You are not alone xx

 

Hi Massimo, and welcome to EC! :smilewave

I'm about the same age as you and I come from a similar environment (I grew up in Milano). I can tell you I know exactly how you feel. I've just begun to come out and it's not easy, but this forum is a phenomenal resource. Just being able to read about other people's coming out experiences and knowing that there are many, many people who can relate to what I'm going through has done wonders for me.

I suggest you read as many of the threads and resources on this forum as you can. They've helped me a lot along the way to self-acceptance.

And you'll definitely find someone to talk to here

 

I suffer badly from depression to from time to time. I do similar things to you..listen to music and dance in my room..sometimes singing hels as well. Ot go for a walk...especially along the beach. I often spend a lot of time listening to clips on youtube that uplift me....inspirational people like Loiuse Hay and Abraham Hicks

 

I look for the stuff I love : Computers, books, ideas, some friends (which share my stuff of course)...

... Or I go out and try to distract myself by observing whatever is around me. This would be easy for you, there is lots of beauty where you live... I have deep envy right now...

Music is also good. And laugh. You need to have a good laugh, at least once a day. It keeps the doctors away

 

When I'm sad I like to watch funny movies and TV shows. I also get my frustrations out by dancing to fun music and playing video games. A long walk around town is good for clearing my head.

Usually what works best though is going out with friends for great food and drinks. (But always drink responsibly! )

 

Honestly, while it may seem like life sucks right now, you did the right thing. When faced with the prospect of harming yourself, you opened up to at least one person! And see: the sky didn't fall. People didn't give you a bad time!



It'll take time getting over this. Falling for the first time for a straight guy is painful. When it first happened to me, it felt like the worst disaster ever. He was the only guy I wanted. I wanted it more than anything I ever wanted in my life. And yet I couldn't have him.

But: now, years later, it is also something that I can look at and realise it made me grow. It was one of the things that got me out of the closet. Which led to being closer with my other friends, and meeting new friends, who were actually gay. Eventually, I even met a guy I clicked with! Sometimes the night is just the darkest before the new day begins!


So: I know it doesn't feel like it, but it isn't a disaster. It's the start of something new!
And don't forget that many of us have been through similar things, and all of us are here to talk to!

 

Well, that's kind of an odd turn of events...
Were you aware that he had any psychiatrist friends? Is he some kind of psych student himself? It sounds vaguely unprofessional to use that kind of information like that.


But still. Maybe this is for the best! Instead of helping you get over just any guy, she might be able to help you get over this specific guy!
I'm guessing she didn't just send you home after that, though? What was the outcome of that conversation? Anything she told you to do about it?

 

i know the feeling :lol: being in the closet, scared of the social pressures (well, not really scared, but i think things are better this way), and then suddenly you'd fall for a straight guy? oh man, i know how scary that feels :/ i am just so thankful that things go well over time :icon_redf with your situation though, i agree with what the other posters are saying,..if you trust him, maybe you could tell him at least even just about your sexuality, and maybe about your feelings for him some other time.. but if you don't plan to do that soon, please know that you're not the only one going through this, nor is it because of your sexuality.. in fact, it's quite a common thing, even straight boys or girls get this feeling of "impossible love", and don't let this bring you down (*hug*) just stay positive about things i suggest spend more time with friends because it is therapeutic in itself, maybe even better than any therapist that you could pay :lol: so if you need someone to talk to, or you just someone to listen to your stories, we're just here buddy (&&&)

anyway, whatever you do, i hope you stay friends with him i wish you the best Massimo (*hug*)

:thewave: