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Heartbroken and confused

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by HeavyHearted, Jan 27, 2015.

  1. HeavyHearted

    Regular Member

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    Hi. I'm having a bit of a problem and I have no clue where to turn where I will not be judged. I'm new to this site and I'm hoping for some help. So, Here's a rundown on my problem..
    I'm 26, Married(to a man) with two young kids. and 4 fur babies. I have known I was Different for a long time. I've loved girls as long as I can remember, my first girl on girl I was 5. Yes I know, I was young but those feelings were there. I was staying with a friend. We fooled around touching each other after her mother put us to bed. after that my interactions with women was scattered here and there. nothing was ever serious. In my high school years I had girlfirends but they weren't serious. I kissed several girls. My senior year I met this girl. She's a Twin. :slight_smile: I ended up falling in love with her, and she fell for me. we were both trying to figure out things and wanted to stay friends so we didn't mess up our relationship. She started dating a friend of ours and I had a boyfriend. After I graduated things got messed up and we lost contact for a couple years. I finally found her on Facebook I think and we started talking again. Over the years her gfs kept her from keeping in touch with me. She got lost and I stayed here waiting for her to come around. getting to see her only when she could come around. I love this girl with my whole heart and I would wait a lifetime. Last year We started talking more and became close again. Closer than we had ever been. She ended up moving in and things were great...
    now... my marriage.. We have been married for 6 years, together for almost 8. The entire relationship has been rocky and I have been unhappy most of it.. yes we have our good times but something was always missing. it wasn't right for me.. We fight and argue and it hurts me deeply.. I gave up things that made me happy to make him happy but it never seems to be enough... I know he loves me. I know i can't get into every last detail but just know that he is a good hard working man and will do anything for his family. He loves us alot. We had been fighting a couple years ago and were on the edge of divorce. He said that he could be ok with me having a gf but not a bf.. I'm ok with that. I was ok with that. A couple days before new year This year, hubbs and i were talking.. One of his friends thinks that my gf is beautiful and can't understand how hubbs doesn't see her as beautiful.. He explained that she is my friend and is a lesbian so he doesn't see her that way.so I asked " What if she were my gf, would you feel any different?" He said no and that would never happen. My heart sunk to the bottom of my stomach and we began arguing again there. I told him that it was unfair and that he had lied to me. Gotten my hopes up.. I never ask him for anything and I didn't even get to ask if she could be my gf. He turned it down before i could make my case.. We ended up fighting pretty bad new year and he got shit faced drunk... my gf took care of him.. I couldn't even stand to look at him... things went back to normal until that friday when we went out to eat.. I had gotten a little aggravated, he had been making meanish remarks and the baby was fussy and i was upset cause i couldn't eat much and felt like i was wasting money, anyways.. he decided to cancel our plans to go shopping because i was aggravated. That pissed me off. so when we got home I went to my room so i wouldn't cause problems for anyone.. he came in asking me questions and I answered them honestly... He started in on the gf blaming her for OUR problems... they were there way before she came into our lives. I decided it was time for me to leave.. we were packing our things and i was trying to get the baby and he wouldn't give him to me.. He started calling me names and one hit home pretty hard so I slapped him... took the baby and was trying to leave.. it was awful... He kept running his mouth and I got tired of it and started punching him... I was defending my gf and myself. I had had enough of his bullshit... he and his mom called the cops and I got arrested for Domestic Violence.(I am not a violent person, He pushed me way too far for way too long) My Gf bailed me out the next day.. I stayed with her at her dads for a week and decided it was best if i came back to be with my kids.(Because he would not let me have them) Now we're trying to figure things out. I miss her so fucking much... It breaks my heart. Hubbs is trying to fix what I gave him 5years to fix.. and now I don't want him to.. I don't want to hurt anyone. yet I'm hurting everyone and myself.. I was happy with her. I know I can be happy with her.. I feel like I can't talk to my husband because he doesn't understand and won't make the effort to.. I don't know where to turn or what to do. I'm scared. I'm confused. I'm hurt. I want to be with her, but I don't want to lose my kids. I don't want to hurt hubbs. I don't want to hurt anyone.. I feel like any decision I make I will hurt someone and that hurts me. I don't know how much longer I can deal with things the way they are. I don't know how to make things right. I want to be happy. Actually really happy.. I'm tired of living with myself. I'm tired of being sad, and angry. I'm Tired.. I would appreciate any advice that could help me..... :help:
    also, side note.. if this is confusing I'm sorry. Its confusing to me too.
     
  2. kai397

    Full Member

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    do anything that will make you happy even if it hurts someone, i think you should divorce him and go with the girl and try and get custody of the kids
     
  3. llamahoox

    Regular Member

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    I am really in no position to make any sort of comment on your situation as I have never had a long term relationship with anyone, either male or female, so I will just stay with general thoughts :slight_smile: It seems you are very worried about upsetting everyone..which in itself shows that you care about everyone involved, so I would suggest that you sit with your husband and tell him that you don't want to hurt him or the kids and tell him all the things you just told us...that he cares for the kids, has always done everything he can to support and love the family you have together but that you both know things are not working the way they should and that you dont want the kids to suffer anymore and that you would like your break up to be amicable for the kids sake if nothing else. I don't know. As I say I am in no position to judge. xx