I recently broke up, and I know it's not a good idea to immediately get into another relationship but honestly I feel like I almost never go on dates or anything. This past relationship was weird, he would go weeks without talking to me at all and I had only maybe been on like 5 dates with him over the like 4 months we were dating. I feel like maybe it would be good for me to get out there, but then I have this bad tendency to base my self worth on relationships.
If your last relationship was really intense with lots of deep feelings on both sides I'd suggest you take a little bit of time to reflect and recover, but your last relationship didn't seem to have that depth or quality to it. Five dates in four months, with long intervals of no contact in between hardly constitutes a meaningful and intimate relationship. By all means, take stock of what happened and learn from it, but don't deny yourself the opportunity to date again, if you feel ready. Even when an intense, long term relationship ends, it's really important to begin to move forward and learn to live and love again. The only note of caution I would offer is about the way you are basing your self worth on relationships. I can't see any reason for you to not date now, if you are ready, but if there are issues with your feelings of self worth it might be a good idea to do some work on that. Can you describe the difference in your feelings when you are dating, compared to when you are not?
I seem to go through stages when it comes to self worth. When I start a relationship I feel good, but then when it seems to go downhill my self esteem takes a dive, and when we break up I'm at rock bottom. Then usually I stay single for a while, and my self esteem slowly increases to the point where I feel fine being alone, and then I enter a relationship again and the cycle starts anew. Like right now I feel unlovable and worthless, and I'm kinda worried that getting into a relationship now might make me feel like I need their approval, but I also want to be in a relationship. Like I want someone I can cuddle with as we watch TV, or who I can hold hands with walking through the city.
Many of the feelings you describe are perfectly normal.. really, they are. There's a special feeling that comes from being in a relationship, but if it starts to go downhill, or comes to an end, it knocks us back and leaves us in quite a negative place. Afterwards, we go through a kind of grieving process for what we have lost and it can take a while for our mood to lift. If it's happened to you a number of times, it's natural that you may start to reflect on the cyclical aspect to your feelings and wonder what you are doing wrong - even if you're really doing nothing wrong. Words like "unlovable", "worthless" really do impact on your perception of self. If you truly think it, there is a danger of becoming it. Dwelling on negatives and using catastrophic language sinks us further into misery, so try to watch that. It is possible to overcome this pattern of thinking and it begins by accepting that you are far from unusual in feeling the way you do right now. Give yourself a chance and stop taking it all on board so much.
