Two weeks ago my girlfriend broke up with me because she "doesn't want to be gay". We dated for half a year and we were in love. The only person she was out to was her mom (who was not okay with it until about a month after she told her) and my friends. She grew up in a small town with a relatively large Christian population, and was too scared to tell any of her friends about us. Her best friend is a very conservative Christian and T (my girlfriend) always thought that her friend would reject her, so she stayed in the closet. She did have one relationship in the past with a guy for a few months when she was about 20, whom she said she never loved and wasn't into him and was just dating him because she felt like it was what she was supposed to do. Basically, she had never been in love until she met me. Also, she never really considered being attracted to women when she was a teenager but she did have little crushes here and there on famous women. During our time together she thought that she was a lesbian but, (this is so cliche) she also thought that she is bisexual hasn't met the right guy. In her view she she was gay, but maybe she is bisexual (she finds guys attractive but doesn't think/know if she can love them the same way she loves me). It's hard for me to explain her thoughts on this. It was very confusing, but sexuality can be confusing for some. We met this last may and started a relationship in July. At the beginning we were friends, and neither of us thought that the other person was gay. We were both really attracted to each other and at the beginning of June I told her that I had feelings for her. I expected her to freak out and push me away (I thought that she was straight) but she admitted her feelings for me too. There was a little apprehension on her part at the beginning but that slowly faded during in the summer. Then, in September she broke up with me because "she couldn't date a girl" I guess it really freaked her out when she realized, like actually realized that she was in a lesbian relationship. We ended up getting back together two days later, which included a deal: to date only until January when she leaves for her semester abroad with her Christian best friend (she would be out of the country until June) and then we'd break up on the day she leaves. She agreed instantly, and it was obvious that both of us wanted to be with each other. Her not being comfortable with her sexuality was the only setback. Between September and January we fell deeply in love with each other. Neither of us really saw it coming. We both thought that we would just be in a casual, easy going relationship and enjoyed spending time with one another. We've had many conversations about her coming back to me after her trip. Her response was almost always no, but then there were times where she would tell me that if she did come back to me, it would be for good. When December rolled around she began question what she was doing and if it was the right thing. She didn't want to break up with me, but she had to because she needs time to process her feelings and to figure out if this is what she really wanted, she said. She also didn't want to hurt me 3 years down the road, in case we stay together and her mind changes. Fair enough. So we broke up a couple of weeks ago and it was pretty horrible. I pulled up to her house to drop her off and we both started crying and held each other. We kissed a few times and she walked out of my car. We messaged each other here (we agreed to stay in touch) and there a few days after she left, which in my case made the breakup worse and just made me devastated. So 4 days after the break up I messaged her saying that we probably shouldn't talk for a while, to let everything settle and I told her that I still felt like we were together when we talked online. She said she felt the same way and that she was constantly checking to see if I messaged her. She then asked me to skype, which I agreed to (I know that this is a total mess. This girl and I are so bad at breaking up). We talked for 30 minutes. She cried. I asked her if she wanted to change her mind and told her I was willing to get back together anytime. She said no. Although she did say that her friend (her Christian best friend who T has always suspected of being homophobic) randomly brought up gay people in conversation one day and told T that she was okay with it. We haven't talked since then, which is about two weeks now. Personally, this has been devastating because I am in love with her. I don't really know what to expect. I feel like holding onto the hope of her coming back to me. Other times I feel like I'm a complete idiot. I think it's hard for me to accept that she's not going to come back because we were and still are so in love. Sometimes I get angry at her for not coming out to her dad and friends but I know that this is selfish of me. Everytime I feel sad or angry I realize that I did this to myself by asking her to get back together in September. I just don't know how to move on from this.
I understand your pain completely. I would like to say tho that getting back together knowing that u were planning on breaking up later...kinda screwed yourself there a little but it's real hard to move on from something like this. I think she is just scared and doesnt know how to handle the fact that she possibly may be lesbian. She seems afraid that she can't have a normal life and it's kind of like shes running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. What i suggest in yes...for your own good and emotions...no more contact with her. She may or may not figure out what she wants if she does it could be years from now. DO NOT sit around and wait for her. You will always love her but u are going to have to try to keep that in a place in your heart and make room for others. I was in a very similar situation...i know how you feel. To this day i still wonder what she's doing sometimes but i'm the one that ended the attempted friendship after the relationship because it was just too emotionally hard. Over time it has gotten easier i suggest to take it one step at a time.This was like 3 years ago and now im happily engaged. I thought i'd never get through it, but with hard work i did....love hurts...i know... It's helps to talk to someone about it too ya know try to get it out of your system. I'm here for ya if you need someone to talk to.
I am sorry things didn't work out for the two of you. I wish society was more accepting of lesbians, it would make having the relationship the two of you had so much easier. Going from being with a person to having them removed from your life is devastating. It can be a lonely place. The two of you had a special connection, being together was inevitable despite the fact you mentioned in your post 'you did this to yourself by asking her to get back together in September'. I believe with my experience I am an expert in moving on. The best thing to do right now is to allow yourself the time and space to experience emotion. I can see that moving on may not be the best thing right now, but staying still and allowing yourself to heal. This is the worst part of a break up, however you need time to think and reflect. It is good that the two of you cut contact, as sad and difficult as it is you are doing yourself a favour. You are doing a great thing by reaching out and talking to people about what you are going through.
