Gaining courage to type all my posts alone is hard, but here I go: My mother, she always has cared for my academic results, a little bit too much though. She has been pushing me to be the best in class, and do well in school. Even if it meant pulling out verbal and/or physical punishments. Things like being called 'lazy' and claimed that I did not study, and I can never forget all those occasional but painful beatings. Only reason why she stopped all the physical actions is because I am now 'old enough'. And thank God for that. Here, it is normal to dish out all that for young children, and it is considered 'humiliating' if a teen still require beatings. You all probably spend your holidays by, vacationing. Well, for all of the time, I've stayed cooped up at home with a newly bought stack of books, not to mention tuition that cut my schedule shorter. I have very little time for myself, and I almost never leave home to spend my free time, then again I have no human friends, just books. And my mother wonders why do I have no time to fold all the clothes... I have no clue how other people my age deal with this here in my town(as summing that they also have tiger mothers), but I just get real stressed. Unlike others, I don't approve of all this happening, I just can't take it. My mother does not acknowledge me for having 80%+ as long as there's someone better; I can never gain her love. Being better than most in terms of academics, though, I don't think it's worth gaining heavy stress and having a completely blank childhood. I understand that studies are very important and all that, but, I just... can't handle the side effects. Does anybody here suffer this, or is this just an asian thing?
No, I never did. I'm sorry you are. I wish you weren't but you'll be amazing later. Dealing with parents is hard
I'm white and I guess I just deal with it. She really does love you and just wants your life to be better than hers. Just remember everything will be ok. Getting hat 4pt is hard but it will be worth it
My mom is strict about my grades too. I get in trouble if I don't get straight A's. >.< My mom really scares me when she's angry...
She doesn't just expect me to do better, she wants me to be perfect. Not just in terms of grade, but other things like future jobs and wife. The best could kill me; nobody's a picture perfect. But guess I just need to learn tolerance? I feel like a banana; a different kind of Asian.
Well I'm Asian, and my parents had high expectations for me too, but they never obsessed over grades. They always told me to try my best and learn as much as possible. I did that and ended up getting A's. They value effort over high marks. The latter is the icing on the cake more so than the actual goal. That's how I view my education now. Even though I have a 3.7 cumulative GPA for 7 semesters of college, I don't really care about getting A's. I just want to learn as much as I can, even if that means not getting high marks on exams. If I get high marks, then yay, lol. Your grades measure your knowledge of a course and how much effort you put into it, but there are so many more factors that determine your success after graduating. tl;dr Try your best and don't beat yourself up for not getting perfect scores. Grades aren't the end all be all. Striving for high grades only adds stress, which is counterproductive to learning.
Despite the stereotype of white parents being easy, my mother sounds just like yours haha. She was a very gifted student when she was younger and worked for many years as an actuary (which is a grueling profession to get into, actuarial exams are some of the toughest professional qualifications there are) so she set similarly high academic standards for me and my siblings. Fortunately I have always found academics to be rather easy so I never had any trouble maintaining a 90+ percent average while not taking notes and studying fairly little. So while I can definitely relate to the parent pressure as I got that in spades from my mother, I suppose I was just fortunate enough to be able to meet those expectations. When it comes to how demanding parent are, it's often (not always, but often) because they want the best in life for you and so they see it as necessary to try and push you towards perfection. I don't think parents truly expect their kids to get there, but they want to set the bar as high as possible to force their kids to really strive for the top. I know that since both my parents grew up quite poor they place a high value on education so I would assume that similarly your mom just wants a better life for you.
While mine obsess over body weight, height, basically appearance in general, and then marks. My mother does not value effort over high percentages; she sees high marks as effort. If I get lower than expected marks, then I'm considered lazy. But you're right, Hiems. I'm pretty much stressed over my own grades. I'm glad you posted. You've given such a great advice for me. Even though I don't understand some of it. I've always been taught that high marks= diligent= success. Guess all I need to do, is just learn. Thanks. ---------- Post added 1st Feb 2015 at 12:33 PM ---------- And Valance, you're right, too. Oh jeez, now I feel all dumb for starting this thread. All I needed was a positive light. a positive look at things. Much thanks to all those that had posted so far.
Since she doesn't beat you anymore, why don't you ask her? She will most likely be honest with you and you will stop obsessing over it. Mine didn't beat me, but she made herself extremely clear when I was very young that I did not have a future in my small conservative town and the only way to find my luck was to actively develop my potential. She was definitely right about that.
Try having it with both your mother and father like that. AND two sisters going to Ivies. Yeah. My mom once told me when I was entertaining the thought of becoming a teacher, that I would be a useless bum that ended up working in Wal-Mart. Just a few weeks ago, my dad was telling me horror stories about people who became the "wrong" kind of scientist instead of doctors... My parents have mellowed out somewhat, but they still expect me to make above a 92, and somebody help me if I bring home a failing grade that everybody else did well on. I understand how you feel about the whole no love thing; sometimes I think that my parents are just using me as a trophy child, the kid that does everything well, from sports, to academics, to extracurricular activites.... Yes, I'm asian.
Have you tried communicating your concerns to her in an open dialog? I chose to use the words "open dialog" because in order to get to the root of the problem you need to have a two-way converstion where you both explain your thoughts, feelings, and intentions. A good thing to do is to avoid phrases that make accusations and/or give her a reason to get defensive, phrases such as "you never x" or "you always y" but simply express an observation and/or feeling, for example "I can see that you want the best for me [observation] but I don't have enough time to wind down and relax and this makes me stress and worry [feeling]". I know it can be difficult to achieve the perfect conversation where each person leaves feeling understood, but it is important to persevere. If at any point you feel the discussion escalating to an unhealthy level you should end the conversation until another time.
