Not sure if attraction with this guy is mutual.

I don't know how to start since this is somewhat complicated and pathetic from my part too. Well, first of all I'm a Hispanic guy, 27 years old, and my first language is not English but Spanish. To make long story short I am not out of the closet yet but I have been thinking on telling I'm gay to my parents and siblings only, no one else, since I think that is nobody's business but myself and I don't have to answer anyone about my orientation. However I believe that my family deserves to know the truth. Also, I have never had a relationship with anyone on my entire life, I guess I have bad luck but I think the main reason for this is that when I have fallen in love it has never been reciprocal, or so I suppose since I haven't had the balls to tell the person I like what I feel. Is funny because from when I was a kid to when I was in high school, I used to consider myself heterosexual since I had fallen in love with girls only but I never let that to be known to any of them, especially the two I liked the most, and even once my father found out a secret love letter to one of them in my backpack and asked if I knew who had written it, as if it were not obvious who wrote since he took it out from my backpack, haha. Well I never gave her that letter anyways, so let me go closer to the point. I realized I was gay when I entered college just when I started feeling attracted romantically towards a guy, it was a big disappointment. I think he was straight since he had a girlfriend, made homophobic remarks about guys at a distance and said comments about how hot girls looked who were usually at a distance from us. He might be a closeted guy but at least he was friendly towards me even though we were not close at all, we were not even friends but just classmates. A "situation" happened with that guy of which I feel really embarrassed about and I would prefer not to talk about it since this is not the guy I am concerned about right now, besides that situation was nothing sexual but simply awkward because of a stupid thing I did.
By the way, I would like to say that even though I have never been in a relationship with any girls or guys, I am not a virgin, my first time was when I was 23 yo, still in college, and I had that experience by cruising with a 40 something dude who was at a public restroom in that same college, it was a bizarre experience, I am glad though that I put a condom on since I didn't know the risk I was taking by hooking up at random with someone I didn't know. From that time on I have to admit that I became addicted to sex for some time, engaging in a risky behavior by having lots of sex only through hook ups, and a few of those times without a condom because I stupidly thought that my risks were far less by being the one who performed the penetration, I had a few scares until I understood that my acting was wrong. I still have hook ups from time to time but they are much less frequent and I practice much safer sex. I have always thought that I acted like that because I’ve been feeling so lonely since I was 20. I can't believe I haven't been able to find someone who loves me too, that way I know I wouldn't continue hooking up anymore. Well, ok, I am sorry for making this so long but finally I am going to go to the point and talk about this other guy. I have been working as a tutor at a CC in my city for a bit more than 2 years. The bldg. where I work has several tutoring centers on the same area. This guy I want to talk about works at the tutoring center next door to mine, so even though we are not coworkers I see him often when he gets or I get to work. The problem I have is that I have never exchanged words with him but I notice that we used to look at each other at the same time frequently. To be honest I do think he started looking at me first and then when I noticed that then I started to reciprocate those stares. I fear I might be going crazy and that all of this is just a hallucination coming out from my mind or my deep desires to be with someone. However I remember that every time he passed by place he only looked at me and not at any of the other tutors or students who were close, just me, or if I was in a distant table him would turn to look at that table or place. One day I don't know from where I got the balls enough to give him a really really intense look and he kept looking at me while I was doing that. I remember I thought I wanted to express with that look that I felt extremely attracted to him and that I wanted him to know that, without ever saying any words, I know this is very pathetic right. That same day I was determined to know more about this guy and somehow I was able to find him on facebook, I found out his name and some other things about him, like the fact that he had and still has a girlfriend. That same fact is what made me feel really sad, I said to myself, so that is it, it seems like you are never going to be loved reciprocally, all of this must be illusions from my brain and wishful thinking. The next day I still felt really depressed and I worried that I was going to be on one of those mental episodes that I really dread, being depressed all the time, which is a recurring problem I have but at least it is not as bad since I have never thought about suicide. I have some other problems by the way that are driving me crazy, related to my academic career, that is stuck, work related problems, family problems and mainly economic problems. I don't have anyone to talk about all this stuff, that is why I decided to come to this forum, I am sorry if I am making this too long. I just need some advice. Well back to this guy, since I found out this guy has a gf I decided I wouldn't look back at him, at all, I decided this just after the day I gave that really intense look to him, so I guess he surely felt confused with my mixed, and pathetic, signal. It is as if I was mad and all I wanted to say was, I'm not looking at you anymore since I know you have a gf so you must be straight or a closeted guy who is using a girl as a cover to protect your secret about your orientation, and I don't plan to participate in a cheating love game, causing emotional pain to people who don't deserve it. Like your gf or even myself. Lol. So I really stopped looking at him, but I still could feel his glances from time to time, although over time they started to decrease. Our game of stares only lasted through the summer semester, but my stupid solo game of avoiding eye contact lasted during the whole of the previous fall semester, in 2014, but I decided to break it at the begging of this spring semester, now in 2015. I realized that, after stalking his Facebook, that this guy might be feeling trapped in his life, there are certain things that made me suspect he was indeed gay and that it wasn't me after all who was imagining everything. More importantly I was able to see this guy is truly a good man, by his acts, save that of the gf part, in case he really is gay, I think he must be 22, 23 or 24 yo, btw. But then I remember that even though a lot of people have told me that they considered me a very noble and good person I know that I have made bad decisions, too, where I might not have behaved in the most proper, honest and good way possible. I am not perfect either, and finally I thought that maybe the best would be if the two of us could be together, loving who we truly love and not make that girl waste her time with someone who might not love her back. I felt I had to make things right but maybe it is a little too late. I started looking at this guy on his eyes again but now things are a little bit different. He sometimes looks back, sometimes avoids eye contact. I can perceive he feels uncomfortable, and sadly with good reason. Maybe he wants me to know what it feels to feel rejected by avoiding eye contact, but at the same time I feel he can't avoid looking completely. Since I decided to look at him again, our eyes have locked probably 3, 4 or 5 times. The first one was funny since we looked at each other at the same time from far way, each of us from our respective tutoring rooms, and after noticing the contact we both looked away immediately. On another occasion I was tutoring a student and he passed by, I look at him and then he turned to look at me but instantly looked away, likely to show disinterest, then some other times he completely avoids eye contact. On another occasion I think I noticed he was a little perturbed by the way his eyes looked while looking at me, that same day when he had to leave, since he knew he was going to pass nearby me, something he can avoid by simply taking another path, he was holding his cellphone while looking at it, an act I am completely sure he did to avoid eye contact with me, since I think he already knows that I've been looking at him now every single time he passes by. Now I feel bad, I don't know what to do, I think he wants me to know how it feels to be rejected by not looking at me, although deep inside I don't know if he still has some interest in me or if he is now completely uninterested about me. I have even considered talking to him and tell him about how I feel but I think I will sound pathetic since we have only exchanged gazes but never talk, and he might say it all was a matter of perception, that he doesn't know what I am talking about, that I must surely be crazy although now I don't know what is real at this point, what should I do? Some advice would be really appreciated. I'm sorry if some sentences didn't make much sense, sometimes, I think I use the same structure I would use if I was writing in Spanish. Well, this is it and thank you in advance for your attention.

 

So no advice from anyone?

 

Hi stuckonisland, thanks for the advice. Well I'm not usually attracted to straight men at all, since I know nothing can ever happen but besides I think I don't feel attracted to their usual arrogance. I tend to like only gay men, which usually I can tell for sure they are indeed gay. However there are certain guys that are hard to determine for sure if they are either gay or straight, those are the ones that trouble me the most. And unfortunately this is only the second time I'm on this situation but is probably one of the times when I have felt the most attracted. I'm glad you suggested going to the school counselor, I was thinking about doing that but I wasn't too sure, so know that I see the same idea coming from someone else I am feeling more encouraged to do so. I really appreciate your time reading my post despite it being too long, it helps to see the problem from the perspective of someone else.

---------- Post added 5th Feb 2015 at 08:15 PM ----------

Hey PatrickPH, I'm sorry for the length of my post and thanks for your advice about structuring the story in paragraphs, I really forgot about that as you can see, hahaha.
After reading your post I have really considered talking to him but these days have been really busy at work, so I haven't been able to even see this guy a lot when he comes or goes. I must have sounded somewhat pathetic because I not even wanted to initiate a conversation and then I thought about the contrary and tell him all I felt at once, haha. I am thinking about initiating a conversation with him for the first time about something work related and see what his reaction is. I just need to have a lot of balls for that. Also, I have noticed that the very few times he has passed nearby me lately, during these days that have been really busy, he now totally avoids eye contact, so that is very discouraging too but I guess what goes around comes around. Even one time he seemed to rush the way he walk to get out as soon as possible from the room where I work, he work at the room next door which is separated by a wall with just 2 entrances. I won't see him again until Monday, so maybe by then I will try to talk to him but I really think I might need to hide a big bottle of beer on my backpack so that I drink it before talking to him, that way I won't get as nervous.

---------- Post added 5th Feb 2015 at 08:20 PM ----------

What I meant by what goes around comes around is that since I started avoiding eye contact first, and completely pretending not to see him now I am receiving a taste of my own medicine, hahaha. Now I am looking at him every time he passes nearby, even if he doesn't look back. just so that he knows I am acknowledging, you know, hahaha. Even though he might not even notice that since he rarely looks at me.

---------- Post added 5th Feb 2015 at 08:26 PM ----------

Hi Aniot, thanks for reading. Well, the only thing is that even though we work on the same place, we work at different rooms, which are different tutoring centers, it is like a very big room split into two parts, or tutoring centers, by a wall. And that wall has two entrances at the sides. That is the reason why I only see him when I arrive, or when we comes or leaves. That is also why I haven't been able to talk to him, since our tutoring centers are not about exactly the same thing, we are not coworkers despite the fact we are both tutors. I was planing to ask him something about his tutoring center, "for my information", haha, to at least talk with him about something and see his behavior.