Hi everyone, I really need some advice; everyone here was so helpful when I was struggling with "bi vs. gay" identities last year (i.e. moving beyond sexual labels and just embracing that I have attractions that are strong for the same sex); I was hoping you could help me once again. BACKGROUND: I'm a 24-year-old guy in love with my 23 year-old boyfriend. We've been together for 7 months, and I've never really loved some one like this. In terms of personality, we both love many of the same things, have the same sense of style, enjoy the same cultural things and have the same idea of a perfect time spent together. We're great on "interests compatibility." Lately, however, we've been fighting--a lot. THE PROBLEM: 1. Fighting: We've been fighting on the regular. It's usually about stupid stuff (i.e. nonconsequetial passing comments about other people or something dumb the other takes personally). But he'll overreact with a short trigger and I'll not know how to respond. We start yelling; sometimes he threatens to leave. It sucks. He can seem very self-absorbed in these situations, and otherwise lovely experiences turn sour (I admit a role, but still it sucks). In the morning he regrets it, but it doesn't help that it keeps happening. We try to figure out what the problem is and address it, but it still keeps getting worse. He seems a bit paranoid and insecure. Alcohol does play a role, but we don't drink that much (we know our limits mostly). And blaming substances seems to be an easy way to dismiss what could be a compatibility issue we haven't been able to move beyond. 2. Sexual Incompatibility. I am a top. He doesn't like anal sex or bottoming. We've tried introducing anal play, and he seems open to trying, but he hasn't enjoyed it much before with other people. When it comes down to it, it doesnt happen. I don't need anal all the time; I do want it sometimes, though, and our sex life is really boring to me. Sometimes it's OK, but most of the time I don't know what to do. Neither of us want an open relationship, and I hate that I feel unfulfilled. I don't want to be selfish. But needs are needs, and it's hard to completely think of never having anal again (which has been the case since I've met him). 3. Values. Culturally, we agree on everything from music to films to art. But when it comes to values (aside from general politics and LGBT rights), we disagree. He's pretty racist; he doesn't make a loud deal out of it in public, but always makes jokes I find offensive to my value system (we are of the same race, but I've dated other races). We also disagree about family issues--which I've never made a big deal of because we're young; but it might be indicative of some deeper problem. HELP PLEASE! :icon_sad*hug*):help: I love him; when things are good, I love spending time with him; but values matter to me; the fighting makes the good times not so good, and it has been happening more; the sexual issues are rough, too because we don't have that intimacy to fall back on when things get rough. I know sexual frustration is worse when you're single (I've been a frustrated single person before). But I also don't want to drag on a relationship and get more hurt further in the future if things just aren't going to work. That wouldn't be fair for either of us. I would SO appreciate your advice!
I agree with rubix413.....talk to him. It sounds like there are underlying issues that are'nt being addressed from what you said about fighting over little things.
Hey guys! Thanks so much for the advice. I guess I should say that we have talked about this stuff--a lot. If anything is true, we talk through problems and we're open with how we feel. The problem is that it still seems like there are deeper issues, so I do plan on chatting with him more about these. But I'm more concerned about sexual compatibility and values--whether these are deal breakers? The fighting isn't good. We might be able to work through that, and find a solution to how we interact about stupid stuff, but I'm wondering--before I chat with him--whether these are things I should deal with because I love him. I know I need to answer this myself, but any experience would be valued.
Believe it or not, arguments within a relationship are a healthy sign. Inevitably, there will be disagreements in a relationship and it is important to communicate these to the other person. What is necessary however is to express yourselves constructively rather than destructively. This means using non-violent communication. An example: "you never listen to me" makes an unrealistic accusation which makes him defensive. "I want to stay together but sometimes I don't feel like I'm listened to" gives the same message without an accusation. It's important to communicate in a healthy way that leads to problems being solved rather than created. What you must ask yourself is whether you love him enough to work through the problems you're facing. Judging by your post I'd say you do. You both need to have an honest talk where you tell each other the things you dislike in the relationship using the advice on communication I've given. I understand in the heat of the moment it's difficult to think rationally so if the discussion ever becomes destructive you should leave it for another time.
i agree with the other posters, communicate there's no such thing as communicating too much :lol: and Sek said everything else i want to say, fights are a normal part of relationships.. perfect relationships are actually those who argues at times and knows how to deal with rather than those without any argument at all.. i'm not saying that you should argue more often though :lol: and like what Sek said, express yourselves constructively i don't know it it works for everyone, but i'd also say you try staying closer with each other, like sit next to each other, lie next to each other or better yet, hug each other more :"> i don't know why, but people tend to be more cautious of their words at that position and that way, there would be less shouting (if that's what happens in your fights), besides, it's easier to quit an argument (for me) when you're holding each other.. and you don't really need to stop a fight by insisting to the other one that your beliefs or values are better than the other or by ruling out your differences.. sometimes it's enough to just make each other feel that you respect each other's ideas despite these differences another thing about cuddling is, it can make up for that lack of intimacy that you're feeling never underestimate the power of cuddling (*hug*) you see, intimacy doesn't need to be always in the form of sex, you can just cuddle, kiss, make out and all.. for me that's intimate enough :icon_redf if that;s not enough for you though, talk with him about the things you like, let me just remind you that sex in real life isn't really always as good or satisfying as how you see it in porn anyway, i'm wishing the best for the two of you :thewave:
Values may change when the other person is subjected to experiences that may open up his mind, but that takes time, effort and hard-to-get experiences. Anal can be enjoyed by every healthy man if they get the right preparation, mentality and arousal. Have you ever tried to be a bottom? Is he also a top? Have you expressed your sexual needs? What are the family issues you mentioned? It is only a dealbreaker for me when the issue will take a toll on me or if the problem is part of the essence and core personality of the individual and may take years to change.
Hey guys, Again, thanks for all of the comments/questions. We do cuddle lots; that's the odd thing about our relationship is that it can seem very "up and down"--super intimate and happy, then super sucky and fighting over nothing real. A lot of the things we fight about usually stem from me not "respecting him," or something related to race--he's kind of a racist, in general and across the board. Yes, I bottom sometimes; but it's not the most sexually fulfilling thing. He's not a top. You raise a good point, to which I don't know--maybe they will take a lot longer to address, or never.
I'd agree with everyone else about communication and leave it there if he wasn't racist. Still try to talk to/confront him about it, but if he doesn't shape up I'd just drop him; you don't need that negativity in your life
