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A Pointless Rant About Nothing

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by xylaz, Feb 2, 2015.

  1. xylaz

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    I'm sorry if this is too graphic for this site, because to me it isn't. I'm not normal. If I were, disgust would be repulsive enough to indicate my sanity, but I am abnormal and negative things don't affect me as they do to normal people. I could've written this anonymously, but that would be a cop-out and I still have enough pride to stop feeling so much damn shame and face my problems at least in the impartial shield of the internet. I really want to stop the pernicious pain of self-loath and learn something by venting because trapped in my mind, my thoughts give me horrible headaches so......
    At around age 7, I was raped by my cousin and his own cousin, repeatedly, for I don't know how long. The only reason why it stopped was because my mother moved from NJ to Connecticut around 11? Or it may be when the my cousin's cousin(older) blindfolded me and forced me to give him oral, that may be the last time. I told him no more or I would tell. Being so young, I didn't care much about it though. I just did what they told me to do, naively and without question. They placed their hands all over me and did things that I can't remember but most often involved my private parts. Details are hazy, but I remember the rooms it happened in and the way they justified their nasty behavior,"I would get superpowers" or "It's not so bad, you'll like it", the worst was "You''ll get in trouble if you tell"(was I the guilty one wtf?!!). Simple manipulations that my cowardly and pathetic mind could not fight against. I was always wet and icky felt off, but never understood why. I probably disassociated because I focused on every other detail, but what these individuals were doing to me. They even called me gay. The hypocrisy of these two. Others caught on and well I was bullied even by my own mother who threatened I better not be or she would "kick me out and I wouldn't have a home anymore". Her telling me that made me feel so disposable and worthless.
    Why should this matter? It happened in the past. It's whatever.....
    Well it turns out I'm gay(and still very much in denial). Something about that feels like the cold stars of fate are mocking me. A sick joke for a disgusting, depraved crime that exploited any last bit of pride and privacy I am entitled to. I was left naked and tainted, dehumanized and vulnerable. My life is one big irony. There was no one to help me cope with this because it was too disgusting to share. The shame is embarrassing and it kills me when I feel most isolated and depressed. Withholding this is a betrayal to those that deal with my anger and have to deal with my presence.....I feel essentially and at my deepest core, evil and abominable. Every time I have sex, I feel nasty and wash my body constantly. Intimacy feels fake to me, and although I seek it out and fantasize about it with my "crushes", I feel I will never have it. More disturbing is the fact that I have had instances where I fantasized about rape and I can't ignore it.
    So is the fact that I like men. There is a confusing love/hate affair in that aspect of my life. The internalized homophobia and the idea that maybe the rape caused me to be homosexual is an ignorant lie I hoped would make my life easier, but I am not stupid and I know it's not to blame. That makes my life more alienating because their is no one to blame for my pain, but myself alone. I'm lonely. Who's there to help? The existential gravity of this realization is too intense for words to describe. My actions are my own, and I have become too cynical and sardonic to feel peace. I hate the world and I try not to, but I can't help it. When I see men, there is within me an inconsolable urge to hurt them and make them feel helpless and alone. I want to demean the stereotypical dominance of man and make them feel hatred towards themselves. My father and my step-fathers, any figure that attempts to subjugate me unconsciously arises anger within me......
    I hate being helpless and weak and that is why I make stupid decisions in my life. I can't accept that someone is better and more powerful than me because I have a need for control and power to the point that I often feel sadistic. Asking for help is as sign of submission and weakness and that is the biggest treason towards my own person. I have learned to go about everything by myself. I want to apologize to those I've hurt, but there's no empathy there anymore. I can't say "I'm sorry" or "I love you" because I am the most arrogant soul you will ever know. I feel like Satan ensnared in the chaotic hatred of Pandemonium, vowing for all eternity to curse all good feelings. Perhaps that is what I am; a wretch, a curse, an aberration. Frankenstein's creature remarks that he is more horrid from the very resemblance. I look normal but I'm such a bad person.
    Why should ever anyone ever care about me? I ask myself that a lot and it feels me with dread because I don't deserve to be happy.
    :tantrum: Well this rant could continue forever, but what's the point? The brink of self-sabotage is imminent and I honestly don't care enough about myself to ignore it. Regrets and pain is all I'm ever good at.:bang:
     
  2. AKTodd

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    The people who molested you are at fault and are disgusting. The parent(s) who threatened to reject you are at fault and are disgusting.

    You are not at fault and you are not disgusting.

    My dad molested two of my sisters. It took time and a lot of work for them to recover from that (if they have).

    I would suggest that you reach out to someone with professional training to help you work through this. I realize that may not be easy for you, based on some of what you wrote above. But really, it can help and it can get better. I'd be willing to be the EC staff could help with some advice on how to go about getting such a thing set up.

    Take care,

    Todd
     
  3. xylaz

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    Thanks for the information Todd.
    I have tried to reach out but that is in itself a "coming-out" of a different form. The person, whoever it so happens to be, will be totally shocked, but the catch is there's no rejection, but sympathy. I suck at intimate and vulnerable situations so I internalize them
    This hasn't bothered me too much in the past, but now that I'm struggling with asserting myself as an independent and young adult, I'm realizing my flaws....Writing it out, I figured would help me make sense of my many demons. Growing up is tough and so stressful.
    I'm sorry for your sisters and I truly feel their pain. I'd like to give them the benefit of the doubt and hope they have moved on unlike me, partially.
     
  4. AKTodd

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    If you were to speak to a professional who specializes in this area, I suspect you would not shock them. We often feel that our personal demons or sins or failings must be bigger and worse than anyone else's. The sad truth is that pain and suffering are not exactly premium commodities in the world :bang:

    Much like medical personnel, therapists can end up seeing a lot of the darker side of the human condition.

    I did a quick google on this subject and found this HERE (warning - if you think this will be distressing for you, please don't read it).

    The bottom line is that you are not alone.

    Being vulnerable can be uncomfortable, but in the case of a professional, you are paying them to do a job and I would suggest that that might reduce the sense of vulnerability to some degree. And if you are already experiencing mental and emotional distress as a result of these events, could it be argued that experiencing a somewhat different kind temporarily might be worth enduring if it results in the larger ongoing distress being reduced or eliminated? Not to say this will be easy or happen overnight, but just throwing the thought out there.

    Growing up and moving into the adult world can indeed be very stressful. When I was around your age and a bit older there were occasional nights I spent curled up in a ball in the dark sobbing quietly as I worked out some of my issues. It can get better.

    Thank you for the kind words regarding my sisters. I believe they are both doing quite well now. I know one is on anti-depressants and assume they are connected to her past experiences (we live thousands of miles apart and for various reasons haven't seen each other in what must be over 20 years now, but we do talk on the phone from time to time). I do know that she is doing better than she was, is happily married and pregnant with her second child. So, progress:thumbsup:

    Todd
     
  5. GrumpyOldLady

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    I agree with Todd, I think your best bet is to see a professional. Trust me, they'll have heard much worse stories.

    I understand not wanting to be vulnerable. I was sexually abused myself as a child, and to this day I still dislike feeling dependent and vulnerable, or admitting to another person that I feel pain. Therapy still really helped me a lot, as well as attending support groups. It helps to know that you are not alone, and that others have been through the same thing. Also, you can think of therapy as having a coach at the gym. a good therapist can help you become a stronger person, but you still need to put in the effort yourself. You're not giving up control.

    You are not a monster, and you don't have to become one. Terrible things happened to you, and even those who were supposed to support you made it worse, so you're (justifiably) full of anger that needs an outlet. Yes, it's not uncommon to take it out on others and oneself (I've treated my share of men like shit and am not proud of it), but you can move past this, especially if you have a therapist who can help you find appropriate outlets for your feelings. Just admitting and knowing that this is a problem for you is a huge step in the right direction.
     
  6. pinkpanther

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    My experience is that the longer you wait the harder it gets. All those feelings that you're having will only get stronger to the point that they will consume you.

    It took me ten years to even think about asking for help, so I perfectly understand you not wanting to be vulnerable. However, remember that they are not there to feed on your misery, but to help you find ways to help yourself.

    They're not magicians either so don't expect miracles. It takes a lot of time and hard work from both sides to see an improvement.
     
    #6 pinkpanther, Feb 4, 2015
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  7. xylaz

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    Never realized that side to seeking out a therapist. When I was younger I was given several appointments by a speech pathologist maybe because I was very quiet. Teachers probably thought I was mute or autistic, but in hindsight I was extremely cynical for a kid. Later when I was 14, my mom took me to a family therapist which only lasted a day. I never once spoke about being molested because these people viewed other details as the problem. At those times, it never occurred to me.
    I'm aware that life does get better but it's one thing to experience it and another to be told about it. When we're really distressed, people really obsess on the pessimistic side of things. Sometimes I preferred to be mad because feeling happy would feel silly and does no justice to my life experiences. I'm trying to change that.
    Thanks for the links! I best not self-diagnose haha. I don't want to feel too crazy.
     
  8. AKTodd

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    A couple of thoughts come to mind regarding your life experiences...

    First, there's the old saying about living well being the best revenge. If the people who hurt you did it with malice, then the absolute biggest possible bird you could flip at them, the absolute worst thing you could do...is to go on to have an awesome life, full of happiness.

    Second, if the people who hurt you are the sort who aren't going to know or care that you've gotten better...then spending your time being happy seems like it would be a lot more enjoyable use of your time than the alternative.

    Just trying to cover the bases on this one.

    As far as justifying your life experience...in time you may find yourself in a situation where you encounter someone who has gone through something similar (as I said, you are not alone in these experiences). If you can be in a place where you can offer support and help for them in their dark time, if you can help them because you know what they've gone through and can relate - then wouldn't that be a form of justification as well?

    Just a thought.

    Best to you and I hope things only improve for you (*hug*)

    Todd
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    I thought I would share these links with you:
    http://napac.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2014/03/Untangling-the-web-of-confusion-leaflet.pdf
    NAPAC | Survivors

    They are from the website of a UK based organisation - The National Association of People Abused in Childhood (NAPAC). NAPAC supports thousands of adults in the UK who were abused during childhood, just like you, and you may find some of the information on their website meaningful and relevant to your situation. The legal info may not apply if you are based outside of the United Kingdom, but the general information is very reliable. Take a good look at the pages for survivors.

    NAPAC recommends that you seek counselling/therapy from someone who is well practised in helping victims of childhood abuse. It's not an area of specialism for all counsellors and therapists, but if you work with someone who knows their stuff it can make a huge difference to your life.

    You can get through this.
     
  10. xylaz

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    There's another site I frequented where I met people online and I would read the "darker" stories. It's called Experience Project. Giving advise and compassion with my own experiences definitely helped, but I find it strange how I was given advice and it made an impact. I couldn't tell if it was positive or negative, but I knew enough that it changed how I thought about it. Knowing these people's demons, I knew they must have felt the same. While I was volunteering for the summer I became more aware of several social issues and since I'm more idealistic than down to earth, I was envisioning myself influencing politics to help people with mental health issues. I try to think this way. It helps, and if I find the opportunity, I feel more than capable to relish it and help someone. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 15th Feb 2015 at 08:49 PM ----------

    I know I'm not the only one to go through this, but honestly, people are selfish and such things get to us. Spent a few hours a certain late night looking at the site. Very helpful.(*hug*) Thank you!
     
    #10 xylaz, Feb 15, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2015
  11. antibinary

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    This is not a pointless rant. You are not abnormal (there is no such thing as normal.) And your rapists are disgusting.