Hi all...longtime no see. Life's been pretty much normal, well as normal as it can be for me, except for friends. Or I guess "friends." There's one friend in particular that I wanna talk, or I guess rant, about. I'll just refer to him as M and we've been friends, or at least acquaintances since 7th grade (we're both now seniors). The past two years I guess, we've been growing extra distant because he's pulling away. I guess I'm just not a good friend? I dunno. Him and I have never been like best friends or anything, we never really hung out or anything, but we were friends enough to talk to each other about whatever. He was one of the first people I came out to. He's still one of the first people I tell things to first. I'm not really sure why anymore, I feel stupid sometimes when I do. Why? Because he clearly doesn't want to be friends. We have an interesting history. We became friends in 7th grade because we had literally all of our classes together. We bonded some and it was nice. We were partners on our Renaissance Fair field trip and hung out all day and it was pretty great. Of course we were 12-13 and just kids. In 8th grade we weren't as close by a long shot, but I still made an effort to stay friends and we still were close. I came out to him that year and he was incredibly accepting and has been one of my most supportive friends. And I guess I have delusions of grandeur to believe that what was then can still be achieved. High school has become an entirely different story. Every year we've managed to have at least one class together, just by chance, but that doesn't mean shit, apparently. Freshmen and sophomore years we didn't talk much and last year he basically ignored me. I can honestly say that we have talked more in the past three days of Gym class than we have in the past two years...in person at least. As we entered high school, M's popularity soared. He became friends with the popular people and has become a partier and drinker, and quite possibly smokes weed. He sleeps around and has a girlfriend who also cheats on him. I'm positively normal and I guess that might be a reason why we're no longer even slightly close. There's nothing more that sucks than knowing that someone doesn't want to befriend you since you're a nice, smart, sober person. That's not to say he isn't nice or smart, he just makes awful life decisions. What's been really hard has been defending him against people. Four years of this behavior has made him not very well liked. I will eat lunch with people and someone will mention his name and they will go off on tangents about how awful he is. I feel inclined to be a good friend and defend him. But why? I honestly don't know anymore. 90% of the time he can't be bothered to reply to a simple text or even more trivial things, like a game on Trivia Crack. I've exhausted myself defending him, trying to get people to see the truly good guy that I still see in him and...honestly...I just don't think I can keep doing it. I still see that guy in him, I really do...but it's hard to defend someone who purposefully wants to put you out of his life. I've told him everything about me, he's been my confidant for the past six years and have honestly been blessed to have him in my life. To say that he has saved my life is an understatement and is part of the reason why I still see so much good in him. I've confided in him about my sexuality, my crushes (both guy and girl), a guy that I've become awesome friends with online, my awesome moments and my darkest pits, my suicidal thoughts and feelings, and even something that is honestly so secret, he is the only person I have been comfortable enough confiding with. It hurts to know that I'm losing this confidant and friend. If there was something I could do to preserve the friendship, I think I would do it, but I don't see any hope for that outcome. I don't know what I'm trying to achieve from writing all of this. Maybe nothing? Maybe I just needed to finally get it all off my chest? I don't know. Maybe I just need advice or a friend? Not really sure. Talking about this helped, typing it all down, and I would be lying if writing it all didn't bring the slightest bit of a tear to my eye. I'm sorry for such a long post, I hadn't intended for it to be this long whatsoever...but I guess it just happened. Thanks for reading all..
Ah yes, the friend that drifts away when high school happens. That happened to me with my best friend. We had diffent interests and stuff, got in an argument as well. But, we patched things up senior year. One thing you can look forward to is college. It is a completely different feel than high school. In college, everyone is dispersed, there's no popular crowd to please, and you're there for different reasons. This is only half true for commu nty collge. But nevertheless, your best shot at approaching him would be in college. That's not to say that you can't approach him now. You could see if he has time to talk with you about something in private. It would be good to talk about things, and you can try doing shared activities. Most poeple grow out of the party scene later on anyway. You don't have to go to parties with him, but maybe you could invite him to get togethers with mutual friends (or have mutual friends invite him).
The sad thing is college isn't really an option. I'm going to a school twenty minutes away, last I heard he was planning on a school about four hours away. Ironically, I'm going to one of the biggest party schools in the state. If we stay in touch in college, I will be pleasantly surprised. I guess I could still try, but it's unlikely. I want to just approach him but it's hard. The only time I see him throughout the day is in gym and there's no way to really be private in there. The rest of the day I either don't see him, or he's in college classes. We also, sadly, have no shared activities. He's into sports and skiing, while I'm not at all. Not to mention my friends hate him and our mutual friends are also partiers. It's quite the complicated matter.
I guess this is the basic advice that nobody wants to hear, but you should talk to him. It really is the best way. From what I've read, there isn't much to lose, so you can at least try to save what is left. A few days ago, I apologized to a girl I hadn't talked to a for two years after a big argument (we were good friends at the time) and now we're on good terms again. Just simply go up to him, try starting a conversation and then say something like "We used to be really close and you know everything about me. I find it sad that we never talk anymore, but hey people change. Just needed to get thst off my chest". Whatever you say, be sincere. You'll never know unless you ask, and the outcome I'm sure shouldn't be as bad as you think.
I do get what you're saying, and the sad thing is, I have done that and it hasn't worked. It was either Christmas or New Year's Eve and I had sent him a text saying about how I know I can be annoying but that I was just thankful he was always there for me. I got no response. While it may seem a little odd, I'm practically petrified about going up to him about that in person. Him and I have been talking just a little bit more. Having a class together, a small one with only two other guys who he's not really friends with, tends to help. We're on the same team for stuff, and he actually texted me back last night about something. It's nowhere near how we used to be though. Who knows what will happen?
I would definitely talk to him, invite him out to pizza for lunch tomorrow or something. Doesn't have to be a party, just to guys chatting. Be clear with what you want to resolve. You mention he's on a bad path, is that what concerns you the most? Or is it his general lack of not being responsive? Practice what you want to say, starting with getting him someplace to talk, and then what you want to talk about it. Should help with your anxiety. What used to work back in the day was a little handwritten note. Just make sure he can read your writing.
What concerns me the most about him is that he is on a bad path, yes. He's an awesome person, that's something I know for a fact, but he hangs out with the worst people. He parties every weekend and drinks and might smoke weed. He has sex with girls that aren't his girlfriend (something I found out in a strange way). I know he's a great person, something I still see when he's separated from all of those douchey guys. A lot of people in our school, mostly the people I'm friends with, hate him because that's the guy they see. The douche. I still see him as a good guy and I just wish he would go back to being that guy and be my friend again, really.
On one hand, I think everything that has to be said has been already. If you really want to reconcile, then you guys need to sit down, talk it out, and have a heart-to-heart. Chances are that he still sees that piece of you that you see in him, that keeps you apart because of the people he's chosen to surround himself with, but doesn't end your friendship completely. In my humble opinion, and I'm in no way saying this is the best option, you should let him go. From what you've said, any attempt you've made at reconcile has been shot down or ignored. That "good guy" that you're seeing in him may just be what you want to see - it's very possible that he's crossed that line and won't be able to come back, something which I hope is not the case. Either way, he's made it obvious that he no longer thinks you're good for him, and in your description of him all I can say is that he doesn't seem good for you either. One way or another, you're foils for each other, and whether you end up bringing him over to the "light side", so to speak, or him bring you over to the "dark side", it seems unlikely that he's going to change. For your sake, I hope that you guys can rekindle that old friendship you shared. But at this point, after four years of him distancing himself from you, it seems to me as if you're only bringing an unneccessary amount of stress on yourself. I'm sorry, but that's what I think and I'm certainly not encouraging you to accept it, but definitely consider the possibility. Good luck, and I'm sorry you have to go through such a situation. (*hug*)
Facts of friendship-- People grow up. Tastes change. Life choices alter. Childhood changes into adulthood. Sometimes, there comes along someone in our lives who are there for a specific reason. They they are gone. Sometimes for a day, sometimes for years. At the time when you needed someone like him, he was there. Now that you no longer need him, he is living his own life. It's not that he doesn't like you anymore, it's just that you are trying to live in the past, and he isn't. He's changing from one life era to another. His choices are his alone, no need for defense unless it is to state the contrary to someones gossip, if you feel the need. Otherwise, let him live his life and let him live with his consequences. It's called "growing up". You may lose track of him, never see him again. Then again, you may run into him years from now, and he may need you, or decide he has grown out of his "party guy phase" and wants you around. Who knows. You were friends for a long time. Now things are changing for him. Give him his space, if you crowd him, you will only be giving him reason to further distance himself from you. Also, he may not be shunning you for a new group, he may be shunning you to keep you safe from the destructive things he is finding interesting at this point in his life. Let him know you will be there if he ever needs you, then leave him to his own devices. Let him find his own way into adulthood. You may not like it, but apparently he feels this is something he needs to do at this point in his life. Sometimes the best way to love someone is to set them free/let them go.
