From Bliss to a LD(failing) relationship

It's been a month or so since I've been here, I've just been trying to deal with this on my own, if you'd like to know a bit more background about me, I think you can access some of my more recent posts if you go to my profile...

A new part to my story...I've been in a relationship with this woman for just about four years, now. She's in Canada, and after meeting online, I went there to be with her. She's divorced, with two young boys, and came from a similar background, so I thought it would be a wonderful connection between us, as we filled our relationship with love and support.

I found out that having similar backgrounds and experiences isn't always a good thing. Her ex was abusive and controlling when she was with him, and this carries on with their children, who are now 13 and 11. They have a week on/week off visitation schedule, which doesn't leave the possibility for lasting positive influence. To add to this, my partner drinks, whenever the mood strikes her. So basically, I walked into..unruly, foul-mouthed kids, and an impulsively destructive partner. Not that I'm an angel, mind you...as I stated, I have a similar background, so I THOUGHT..since I could relate, then I could manage and build something better..together..for all of us.

There were minimal arguments...then there were bigger arguments...which turned into fighting, raised voices, name calling...over these few years. If she didn't like what I was telling her, she resisted, and so I became the bad guy...over and over.

I dealt with all this, knowing that this was probably my last chance to make something work. Meantime, I was missing the part of me that was the only good thing left...my grown son, back in my hometown, in the states.

One day last July, things had taken their toll, and in August, I went back to the states, back to family. Not too great a support system, but at least I have somewhere to stay, and I can be near my son.

However, I didn't end it with my partner. Given the instability which I walked into when I came there, I told her that I needed time with family, time for myself, to heal from past pain, and I suggested that she work on things for herself. Since we had applied for my Canadian residency and it was still in process, I told her to be watchful for anything pertaining to that. I couldn't leave her in anger, so I left her with hope.

Now that I've returned to the states, I've been able to start seeing a therapist, and I see my son now more than I ever have in years. We don't get to spend much time together as he works nights, but I'm grateful just to be near him.

I've been gradually cutting down the communication I have with my partner, hoping that as I do so, she will 'branch out' and perhaps reconnect with friends, make new ones, get herself on track...for herself, and her kids. Meanwhile, I'm discovering that she's quite comfortable with herself and her life. Her declarations regarding change are such that 'if and when' she changes, she'll do it for me...leaving her at a standstill. She knows that the ones who suffer for her behavior are her children, and those who love her, yet she continues, apologetic, until the next fiasco.

I've told her this can't go on, I've TOLD her this relationship can't work. Any communication towards her, and she automatically thinks everything is alright. I'm attributing her inability to let go, to the fact that I was her first partner, and she's unwilling to give up. She won't, or CAN'T accept that it could be over. Meantime, I have to probably accept the fact that I'm too old to do this again...and perhaps that's why I keep putting up with this cycle.

Well...this was LONG..thanks to those who made it this far. Thanks for 'listening'.