This is going to be long but I have to explain it. I met a guy about 2 years ago. One big difference tho. I am 33 he is 20. We had a great relationship, he was the most loving guy I ever met. He was from a small country town and moved to a much larger city for me. I admit about 6 mos into the relationship I fucked up and cheated. He said he was ok with it and that he loved me. But as months went on things got worse. I started finding him on apps talking to other guys. He swore he loved me and they just talked. He was still the sweet and loving to me. About a month ago things really got bad. We would not see each other for a week at a time. Not return text\calls. I showed up where he lived and found him there with another guy. They were not having sex but his arm was around him. The guy took off saying they had been seeing each other for six months. I was crushed. Broken. I still am. He is now "dating" this guy. But last night I saw my ex on hookup apps once again. So I know he is cheating on this new guy. I really worry about my ex. Did I turn him into a guy with no self control because he is getting so much attention from guys opposed to how it was living in a small town. I am almost sure he is out hooking up with lots of guys right now. I am so acres he is going to catch something. We never wore condoms. I truly worry about him. I could not live with myself if something bad happens to him. I know I should let go but I cant. I truly love this guy and care about him. I know he is young and most young guys go through a slutty stage. But it still breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. He won't listen. Thinks he got it all under control. This sweet country guy is becoming a whore. And it kills me. I found out he cheated on me several times behind my back. I feel like I caused this behavior because I cheated. I am lost...
First, I am very sorry for your loss and I know it is very painful to lose someone and have a beautiful situation turn sour. But what I want to point out is that you can't control or change someone's core behavior. While I know it hurts you, there is nothing that you can do. He has his own life and is making his own choices. If you are still friends with him, then perhaps you can gently express this concern and let him know that you still care. However, I think that this is a very toxic scenario for you. His actions and decisions are not your fault. You didn't turn him into anything. He needs to be held accountable for his own actions and for his personality. Turning that in on yourself is destructive. In my opinion, you need to stop looking him up on dating/hookup apps and anything otherwise and let him be. He will make his decisions regardless. I know this is probably hard to hear and I know that you are worried and care deeply about him. But this is not healthy for you and he is not your responsibility even if he is younger than you. Whether he cheats, doesn't, dates, hooks up, whatever he chooses, it does not fall to you to try to fit him into expectation or what you want for him. I'm not saying you can't care or that it's wrong; but I know that there are some things you need to let go of. The best I can tell you is that if you are still connected, you can express that you care and offer to be there for him. That is about all you can do. Time and space are the only things that can really mend a broken heart- and you aren't giving yourself either of those things. Consider doing it for yourself, you know? Again, I am sorry for your loss and I hope that your pain subsides. Whatever you choose, I truly wish you good luck.
You sound like me, a person who is constantly worried about other people. It looks like you have done your part by being honest and asking for forgiveness. He has decided to do his own thing which to me sounds pretty self-destructive on his part. However, it's over between the two of you and he will do as he will. We all choose our actions and the way we respond to situations. If anything bad happens to him it will not be because of you, it will be because of his choices and other people involved with him. If you are worried sick, you need to distance yourself from him. Sometimes when we get involved into someone else's situation it ends up making it worse. We all need to lust, love, fall down. This is okay. Hopefully nothing bad happens to him. If something does happen to him he will make it through.
My question is are you over your ex? If you aren't together anymore and the relationship is over, but you still want to be together, then it is healthy to distance yourselves from one another unless you think you can handle friendship. Otherwise, there is no valid reason why you can comment on his life. Yes, his behaviour might cause problems for himself, but his life is his life and you have no place trying to influence him. Also part of growing up is making mistakes for yourself - no lesson is taught better than through experience. As I would suggest with 99% of ex-relationships, you should cut him out of your life completely. It causes nothing but problems keeping some degree of contact between you even if it's one-way cyber-stalking. Without being conscious of his behaviour, you won't be worrying about him, and can focus on your own life/new relationships.
