Hi, Im gay, my brother is gay too, we've recently come out to my mother, that's another issue. When i came out to her she was pretty difficult and its taken her some time to come around to it but now she has she's okay about it but i think its still a little difficult for her. My brother said he's come out to her although she hasn't mentioned anything to me about it. My brother goes out most nights and sometimes doesn't come home. He said he's going to move out soon. He's 18 years old. I'm at college and live away from home most of term time. Anyway so my mother called me up on a few occasions recently and has been freaking out down the phone about how we never have family dinners, she's on her own most nights and is really depressed. I don't know how to respond to this and usually am upset as i feel like she's blaming me or something. Our last conversation she said she feels like a failed parent and she's dissapointed and that she sometimes feels if she dissapeared no one would notice. Jesus, i mean i don't really know how to respond/what to say to this. It's just really heavy. We usually end up in an argument on the phone because the way she says it it feels like she's trying to say something about me or that i should come home. But i am almost 24, like i won't be living at home forever. How should i respond to this?? Any answer is appreciated, just don't leave me hanging here. :bang:
The response she's giving seems a perfectly natural one to me. It seems like she has had to deal with going from being against homosexuality to having two gay kids. I'm not saying that it's okay she had a negative opinion to begin with OR that it's bad that she has had to change her mind, but nonetheless she has had to fight what she previously believed in order to put her love for you two first. Accepting any close relative's homosexuality can be a scary thing and she needs time. Not only this, but some mothers really struggle with their children moving out. It's a momentous change and nothing is the same after. Having spent 20+ years in the same routine, spending each day with your care in mind, it is natural that she will try to cling on and not let it happen. I think what she is afraid of is you two slipping out of her lives completely. Clearly she finds having a relationship with her children very important and you should be thankful. That's not to say you should give up your life, but it seems that spending as much time together as you can is the right thing to do. But first and perhaps most important of all, I think everybody needs to be on the same page in this situation. Judging by what you've written, I don't think everyone is. Have an open conversation at first, nothing serious, and try to explain yourselves as much as you can.
Could you point your mom toward any clubs, charities, social groups or other activities that she could engage in that would give her something to do now that you and your brother are getting lives of your own? Depending on how often you are able to come home, you might also take a proactive approach to planning things with her ('I'll be home on X date for break, Mom. I'd love it if you could make <your favorite food> while I'm home. I love the way you make that. Maybe we could also go see/do <something she really enjoys seeing/doing> too?") Etc. Etc. It's not a matter of spending every second with her while you're home, but scheduling things so that she has something to look forward to and has fond memories of your time there. If some of those memories can also be of you doing things together that are more adult oriented, so that she starts thinking of you as her adult daughter instead of her little girl, that might help too. Just some thoughts, Todd
This can be a natural psychological phenomenon called Empty Nest Syndrome. Unfortunately, you'll never really be able to change how another person feels. It's up to your mum to grow and find herself new activities to keep herself occupied. Does she not have a husband or boyfriend? Loneliness can be very difficult sometimes, to be sure.
