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Long Term FWB needs Advice

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by GreyIce1, Feb 4, 2015.

  1. GreyIce1

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    Firstly, thank you for taking the time and consideration to read my post! I sincerely appreciate it. I'd like to share my experience with you and get your feedback if possible.

    My Situation

    I've have a FWB situation with a coworker for nearly two years now. Initially we saw each other maybe once or twice a month, now we see each other a little bit more: three or four times a month.

    I've never been in a proper relationship with a man but I thought this was a good start. Because it was so casual, his flakey behaviour (i.e. not showing up, not texting back) never bothered me, though now I find it a huge turn-off. I found it kind of weird he would always talk about girls and straight sex right after we had sex. During this time, he has been shagging ugly hoes here and there. I know some of these 'girls' and they are horrendously slutty and terrifyingly unattractive...it makes me truly wonder why he would rather hook-up with them than me.

    This has been dragging on for ages now and I'm more than ready to end it. However, as we work together its impossible for me to easily move on and ignore him. After a few weeks of being angry at him, I eventually give in and agree to meet with him and the pattern repeats.

    I've started to truly despise this guy. I feel so stuck and hopeless: I'm tired of feeling disrespected and abused.


    My Questions

    1. Why would a guy have sex with a 1 or 2 when he has someone much more attractive easily available?

    2. Why would you treat a long-time lover disrespectfully?

    3. How can you 'get over' someone you see on a daily basis?

    Thank you for you advice: it means a lot to me. Any opinion or idea helps.
     
  2. ANewDawn

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    I think when you're in a FWB relationship you should be totally upfront when you want to end it. The whole idea behind that sort of thing is the lack of commitment, so you definitely shouldn't feel tied to it, especially if you no longer feel like you're getting any 'benefit'.
    Everyone has different tastes, so this guy might genuinely find those women attractive. It could be that he's just looking for an easy lay, especially if he's struggling with his own sexuality, which could also explain why he feels he's needs to mention the straight sex after being with you. It's also possible he's developed feelings for you that he's afraid of so is trying to put some distance between you to protect himself. If you are no longer attracted to him just tell him that it was great while it lasted but you're ready to move on. If you still have hope of continuing the relationship, tell him that you think he's disrespecting you and see if he'll be honest about how he's feeling.
    Hope this helped, good luck!
     
  3. GreyIce1

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    Thank you very much...that's really helpful ^_^

    I've talked to him about not being respectful and communicative and he's made some improvements but he's still rather unreliable.

    Hanging out is entirely based on when it works for him and if he has absolutely nothing to do, which seems unfair to me. Why should I be so much more available?
     
  4. Filip

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    If you ask me, it sounds to me like you both want different things. You saw it as a start of (eventually) something more, while I'm having the impression that to him, you're more "a guy I get off with once in a while". You're focusing on the "friends" part, while for him it's the "benefits" that matter.

    In fact, it may even be that he doesn't like to think of guys as anything more than a guilty pleasure. If he's always going on about straight sex, maybe that's what he feels he wants more. Either because he genuinely likes it more, or because he's trying to convince himself "I'm not gay!".
    In either case, no matter how attractive you are compared to those girls, you're likely to be his go-to guy only when other (female) options don't work out.


    So, for him there isn't a problem.
    If he has nothing better to do, he calls you, and if you can't come, then fine by him. If you call and he can't come, then fine for him as well.
    By now he knows that you're going to be the one that caves in eventually, so why would he put in time and effort? Just waiting and asking a couple more times will do the trick.


    I think that in cases like this, the best way to get over him is to change things around. Put yourself in situations outside of work where you meet and befriend other people. Make sure you have better things to do than sitting around waiting for him to call. Be friendly at work, be friendly when refusing him, and tell him that while the sex was good, you feel like you're looking for something different now.
    When you feel tempted to cave in, come back on here and read this thread first, so you're reminded of how you're feeling right now.


    In short: maybe this is a sign that you're looking for a new friend, and possibly a boyfriend, rather than to continue a pattern that, after 2 years, isn't really going to change anymore.
     
  5. AthenaEvince

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    I definitely agree with Filip ^^^ You honestly really are looking for something different, and he's definitely not the person you'd want something like that with (disrespectful, flakey, etc).

    Though, is the hard part staying away, once you've made the decision to end things? I've been in a fwb situation before (different, though, as I fell for her), and even when you know ending things is the best thing to do, its often hard to stay away from it once you're done. Because the relationship was easy. It's an easy pattern to fall back into.

    Just remind yourself of the cons of the situation, and put yourself in new situations with new people. Join a club or a team, find a new bar to frequent, a trivia night to participate in. You'll find while it might be hard to "get over", you just have to get over the behavior and the ease of intimacy--not him.

    You can do it, I have faith in you :slight_smile:
     
  6. GrumpyOldLady

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    You don't have to put up with that kind of disrespect, no matter who you are. There's nothing wrong with expecting a lover to treat you with respect, even if you're just fwb.

    I'd just tell him you're just not into it anymore, preferably at a time when you're not angry so that you can stay calm about it. You don't have to tell him why, or make a production out of it.

    It would totally make my skin crawl if a fwb started telling me about his "conquests" right after sex. Maybe think about them if you get tempted.
     
  7. GreyIce1

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    Filip --- your advice is really outstanding. You've helped me understand so much of what's going on. I've re-read your advice nearly five times now and its moved me. Thank you!!

    Thank you Athena...I've already gone out and met new people. It's been fun and not something I was open to do a few weeks ago.

    I appreciate your advise Dragon. I don't understand why I put up with it for so long. I suppose because it was my first extended situation it was harder for me to let go (I'm stubborn). I really do value the time you've given with your feedback.
     
  8. QueerTransEnby

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    Man, these fwb relationships are trouble. I say it from experience. These guys like to dump you to the curb and treat you like crap. I've heard of a few fwb relationships that work, but they are few and far between.

    The flaking out part got worse and worse with my friend that was my fwb. He lies and says he wants to have closure and catch up, but then he purposely plays phone tag. These closeted relationships seldomly work out.

    He treats you poorly because he knows he can unfortunately. You are in an office setting, and he knows that you can't blow his "cover" for fear of sexual harassment shenanigans.

    3. You can't, which is why I will always keep business and pleasure separately.

    I hope you and he are practicing safe sex.
     
  9. AthenaEvince

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    Of course -- and I'm so glad! :thumbsup: Stay strong, have a good weekend :slight_smile:
     
  10. GreyIce1

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    Thank you very much!! I saw him at work yesterday and I can't stop thinking....'what did I ever see in you?'

    It's amazing how blind we can be when it comes to sex.
     
  11. Rha

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    I agree with this 100% I had a male fwb that my boyfriend introduced me to (I wanted a female partner but thought "what do I have to lose") well, I had A LOT to lose!! our "relationship" went on for about 2yrs of txt tag, "hey lets hook up" he was pretty much stalking my bf and just did not comprehend how anyone could hate him, he'd never disclose how many partners he's had (both male and female) I didn't even find out until recently that he has a son the same age as my son, seriously, what your describing sounds like the younger budding version of my old fwd, be wary is my advice, run away is my other advice, guys like that do NOT stop acting that way, their in it to get laid, remind you constantly how many other partners they have ect. I went through more roller coasters with this 1 dude then I ever did both with my identity as being bisexual and with my boyfriend.

    Does he randomly text you then you talk for like 10min and then he just stops responding and ignores you for a long time (like days or weeks sometimes?) Players are in every part of the orientation spectrum and best to be avoided, in the end it took me over a year to recover from that man (he still tries to use me to talk to my boyfriend sometimes) your "friend" sounds just like my "friend" be careful about "breaking it off" though because if he's anything like the guy I mentioned above then he'll likely start pretty much harrassing you (sounds like the kinda guy that doesn't understand why someone wouldn't like HIM)
     
  12. Wildside

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    the only question that matters is: why are you still with this guy? but it sounds like you've already figured this out! :icon_wink
     
  13. GreyIce1

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