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Caring Way More About Guys

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Justinian20, Feb 5, 2015.

  1. Justinian20

    Regular Member

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    I look at this a very specific way, in fact this strange thing of mine is what caused me to teach myself to socialise with boys when I was 17. I was the guy who was just always friends to females. I would enjoy my time with females more and it was more fun to be around them, but during my years I didn't care what they thought of me so much.

    Like I just hanged out with them and I didn't care whether they thought I was seedy(now I was often called this in high school but that was my way of acting straight) or anything like that. Here is where this comes in, for all of you who know what I did in high school this is just a repeat, I stared at guys often in high school, I watched them as they walked past and I felt like I actually more than liked them. Because I would stare for so long at them, too long for it to be admiration and yet I did admire them but something more was there.

    Now when I was around guys, at first if I more than liked them I cared what they thought of me, in fact my depression at 15 was caused by the reactions of one of the guys to a letter which I wrote asking him to be my best friend. (weirdo alert right there). Now I cared about what those guys thought of me in fact it was my depression that made me see that I definitely saw guys in a different light. I mean I would change myself completely for a guy. My depression was summed up by a couple of words, But the boys don't notice me, they wouldn't care if I killed myself and wasn't there anymore. Extreme isn't it, that type of action for guys like I mean I never thought of the females it was just the guys didn't notice me.

    So how did I fix my relationships with guys well I forced myself to be like them. In fact it was only after my depression that I tried to be normal and force myself to care what women thought of me. This died after half a year, I then went back to caring way more about what guys thought of me. Now I'm basically at that stage again where I simply do care more about what guys think. But now I can be free to actually feel that way with guys who feel the same way. Questions asked, "Do those guys like me," "Now those guys think I'm weird," "Those guys don't notice me."

    When I looked at it back then, this was who I always was. Self conscious and afraid that boys would hate me and then none of them would think of me and I would be alone forever.

    Honestly this tells me so much about myself, why did I care so much about what guys thought of me and it hits me that these are feelings that other guys don't get about guys. They just hang out and talk to each other and only care that they are not acting like I did as a 15 year old. I taught myself to act like the rest of them did.

    It's crazy that I didn't see this stuff as strange I mean at 15 I thought every guy cared about guys like I did. It was only after the reaction to my letter did I realize it wasn't normal.

    ---------- Post added 6th Feb 2015 at 01:20 PM ----------

    Another quote from me in relation to this, "Because they don't care about me I might as well kill myself." They being the boys. I'm sorry about this kind of stuff you know the quote that you are who you are when you are at your lowest point. I think that is true for me because during my depression I dug deep and all the things I said suggested that I was a guy who loved other guys, but I hadn't accepted it at all.
     
  2. kindy14

    kindy14 Guest

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    Hey, don't be so hard on yourself. As a self-conscious, introverted, gawky, freaky teenager, I was always scared of the exact same thing. Do they like me? What if they reject me? What if I say something stupid and they laugh AT me?

    Not just people I was interested in getting together with, but also friends. I never really embraced who I was then, hidden behind a wall of self-doubt and social anxiety. Now, I accept that at least I'm not a freak, there are people who accept me for who I am.

    Accepting who I am and trying to live inside of that reality is where I'm at.

    And how you feel isn't abnormal, it's a reflection of your struggle inside. There are a lot of social pressure to conform to a particular "norm," when we should be encourage to express ourselves authentically. Don't be ashamed that you are questioning things, if you are unsure, it's better to ask questions then rush into something.
     
  3. Justinian20

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    Kindy I am not questioning my sexuality because I know I am gay, I am just now sort of beginning to realize I was that way all along, and I just happened to accept it later than a lot of people.