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Lots of acquaintances, but no friends

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by method, Feb 6, 2015.

  1. method

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    I had always found it hard to make friends, but when I was at uni I really pushed myself and got involved in a lot of extracurriculars, studied abroad and travelled etc and made a lot of good 'friends'.

    Thing is, I just feel like I'm on the periphery of a lot of different circles of friends and not really in one. I think people have the impression that I have an active social life, but honestly I spent most of my nights and weekends at home. I generally like to be alone, but sometimes it does get me down.

    Any advice for this lonely soul?
     
  2. GreyIce1

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    My advice is different than I think most people would offer you but is this: there is plenty of time in your life to make friends but early on you need to work on your skills and talents.

    If pick up some useful skills and really work hard developing them, you can get an amazing career, meet like-minded people and find others will be very desirous to be your friend. Success breeds popularity.
     
  3. method

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    That's an interesting perspective.

    Without shooting your idea down too quickly though, I have been fortunate to have success in my studies/career. And I spend a lot of time developing hobbies and have progressed in those too. You could even say I probably spend too much time devoted to those things.

    Thing is, I haven't naturally found friends through those avenues. Again, just more acquaintances..
     
  4. catsarecute

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    I Survived Years Without Freinds And I've Learned That You Have To Learn To Love Yourself And That You Are A Strong Person Who Has Been Hurt But Will Survive And All You Need Is To Support Your Own Self And Now I Have Many People Who Love Me
     
  5. wasgij

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    Story of my life...

    Yep. That also seems to be true for relationships. It's frustrating how people will judge you and either gravitate towards you or avoid you, based on weird happiness rules, but it goes both ways.

    I would constantly seek company, I'm not sure why. I still sort-of do, but have toned it down a lot. I probably believed that friendships would make me happier, so I was envious and wanted people's good feelings to rub off on me.

    But try looking at it from the other side: someone only wants to hang out with you because you're 'cool' and they feel better when they're around you. Wow, talk about pressure! What if you're the one having a bad day? Not only do you have to entertain them, but there's the guilt-trip that they might feel really rejected if you don't want to hang out with them. It might work if both sides have something to offer, but unless there's something deeper and more meaningful to go with it, then they're just another acquaintance.

    This is basically the same reason why I totally gave up on on-line dating, and why I'm calling them out on it. It's not that I should humbly admit defeat, or come clean that I'm unpleasant and repulsive. No, I think I'm actually OK. I've come to believe that the whole concept of "looking" for relationships is a big fat LIE that screws people over. I know from personal experience that the harder I tried, the worse it got. After a while, by rights I should have been getting a LOT better at meeting people, learning from my mistakes, getting to understand people's mindsets, going on more dates and so on, but the exact opposite kept happening, consistently! It's as if the world was somehow deliberately fighting back.

    For the most part, success stories about how people found love online ring hollow. When I ask about it, they never really understand what happened. They just somehow met, sometimes after going on dozens of bad dates with other people earlier. The online tool they used could equally have been a hindrance but they'll never know. In my case I eventually realised that I was getting way too desperate, and people could sense it. I was too good at it, and I'd learnt everything about it, except for the sort-of Buddhist lesson of not wanting it any more.