Hi guys I wanted to ask you for your advice on smthing, because I haven't been feeling so great about myself lately and I feel so down..it will be a freaking long story though, sorry:tears: I came out when I moved to London 3 yrs ago; my friends knew already, apparently they know me better than I do, and I tried to tell my mother too (eventually using an email because she just wouldn't understand, so I thought maybe if I put it in writing...huge mistake). At the same time I met my ex, who was my first and a great love. And even though we had our problems I was very lucky with her. The problem in all this is my relationship with mother. We don't have an easy relationship, mainly because we are too different and also because she always has the right to say anything she likes to me but when I try to stand my ground she always comes up with so many excuses for everything...it's so draining, you know? To never be able to say A WORD because she is always right. And if you put her in front of facts she just walks away. Or she yells at me in front of people and I would like to dig a hole in the ground and hide. I don't even live at home any more..I left when I was 18 and had some experiences and was more or less independent ever since. A yr after I moved to London she moved here too, can you believe it? On one side I am happy for her because there's so much more to do here than in Italy, on the other side my life has become a nightmare, because she just wouldn't leave me alone..for the first year or so she would not stop talking about me having to move in with her and blaming all my decisions ( in her opinion unreasonable) to my girlfriend of the time..who, yes, was over 10 yrs older than me , but never forced me into doing anything at all! So at one point, after going on and on saying that I chose a woman because I need a mother figure and because I never tried enough with guys ( :eek:how fucked up can this sentence be? EW) one day she comes to me and innocently and bright as the sun , she tells me that she is with a woman.:help: ( I would like to add, here, that this woman in question happens to be someone who helped my mother a lot to get into some work clubs and she took my mother in when she had to change house...) Aside from the frustration I feel when I think that my mother put me through hell and then did same thing, I feel like a SHIT because to this day my mother WOULDN'T STOP TELLING ME I SHOULD BE WITH MEN. I don't see her that much, except when she asks me for favours or she needs to see me but the little time we spend together is enough to f**k with my life. Every time I talk to someone about this people end up defending her, because you know she had problems in her life... And I find it so unfortunate that my parents raised me to have such polite manners that I cannot even stand up for myself, because she would tell me I am disrespecting her. I feel something is wrong and yet I end up listing all my imperfections just to remind myself that I have made mistakes too...and end up saying nothing. I feel that I am neglecting my feelings but don't know what to do about them and the scariest thing is that I've ended up feeling dirty for being gay and being gay is the best part of me. Can't take it any more, honestly.. Do you think I'm crazy? Like ,straitjacket kinda crazy?? Or what would you do? Help..:icon_sad: Thank you , sorry I wrote a novel xx
Well, at least you gave us a warning, thanks :icon_wink Oh, boy... I have the feeling we are going to read more about it soon... You know, there is a difference between being assertive and being agressive. Assertive people can make themselves very clear without shouting or kicking anyone's butt. I'm very calm, cold and polite, and at the same time I'm perfectly capable of making my point clear. First, I'd try with your mother some de-escalation techniques Verbal De-Escalation Techniques That Actually Work Use them from time to time, but avoid her being aware that she is changing her ways, or she'll get defensive again. In my experience, it'll take years to make her change her beliefs about you. Don't expect results inmediatly. Don't judge her. Don't hate her. Just be aware that she is... Different. You are (and will be always) her baby. You can't expect to have a normal relationship with your mother. She is deranged, she keeps thinking of you as a baby. That the relationship is not normal doesn't mean it has to be bad : Moms give awesome hugs and kisses. I have an awful relationship with my mother : We just can't understand each other, we are way too different at so many levels... But I won't push her away if she decides to give me a hug... (In private, that is...) We are all here straitjacket kinda crazy, my lovely (*hug*)
oh wow..thank you for reading this I guess you are right, though I find it very frightening to think that I could not have a normal relationship with her. I'm 26, does that mean that she is always gonna treat me like an idiot ,till the day I die? Oh man. I know about the hugs, but it's nice to share them when we have been at the same level, not to end a discussion. I didn't want to sound like I am not grateful, because every day that I see the sun I thank whatever God is up there. But I feel so oppressed it's not funny.. I will try what you said.. anyway, at least I know what to do when (hopefully) I will meet another girl...never tell my mother and we are all happy. To her eyes I will probably be Sister Wendy for the rest of my days. Happy freaking silence :/
... No, it's not treating you like an idiot. There is no "up" and "down" here... Think of it as being on different islands. I'm not a parent, but I had the nerve to ask around the question : "How does it feel to be a father/mother?" and "Do you love your children, even when they are acting silly?" First answer... Parents do love their kids, trust me. Imagine you had a pet or a plant, and you saw it growing. You nursed it back to health when it was sick. You sang lullabies to it. And it gave to you moments that melt your heart : First words being your name, running to you and asking for help, jumping into your arms looking for protection, bringing you drawings from school... Can you picture that? So, this nice and cute little thing... Do you think that in your heart will ever grow up? It doesn't mean you disrespect it... Or think it's inferior... It's just "your baby". We are more or less the same age, we can't imagine that, but we can ask around and try to walk in her shoes... It's hard, and it takes a lot of effort to do it... You don't have to ask her, just go and ask someone about her age, someone who is a parent, and listen to what they have to say about their feelings... ... I'm not deliberately ignoring your own feelings, I'm telling you what I did, and it helped back then. My relationship with my mother is far from perfect, but at least I'm not hurting myself anymore by hating her. We are on different islands, that's all. Try to communicate in different ways. It won't work at first, but if you keep stubborn, you'll get there.
