This lonely feeling is overwhelming. I have my spouse (who is more understanding and accepting now), but for some reason it does not seem to be enough. There is an aching feeling to feel the gentle touch of a woman, just to be held. To feel safe. Even though my life seems to be improving, there is an emptiness that I feel. Why is it hard for me to get close to her? Have I built my walls too high when the abuse was going on? Has the twisted past relationship left me inadequate? Sorry, I just needed to vent.
Well you could state your emotions more often... for example I like it when you smile that way... you could talk about your needs... if you need a hug ask for it you could talk a bit about fantasies, and preferences, and what you would like to do... a common photo session... a walk in the park... whatever... and you could, for yourself, think about a few things that would fulfill you...
You know, your stone hit me hard, I've been exactly on the same place as you. The only difference was that I wanted to be the one who was holding her, instead of trying to resist stuff I shouldn't be resisting (after all, it was what they expected from me, mainly because of how I look). In my experience, those feelings of wanting/needing a woman at your side won't go away. I've been repressing them most of my life, and even when I had them I didn't allowed myself to enjoy what was going on. It's a mistake to deny your own wishes. The question is not about your past, but how did you got there. It's not your fault that you stumbled upon some undesirable character (to put it quite mildly). Sometimes it's just bad luck, or wrong timing. Not every person goes through life being strong and invincible, sometimes we are going through times where we need to spend energy on self-healing, and instead we jump into a relationship because relationships might give a false sense of 'feeling secure'. Shit happens. The key to avoid repeating the past is analyzing it. What went wrong and why. Nobody is condemned or doomed, as long as they keep eyes and mind open, and dare to ask themselves questions, also give honest answers. It seems to me you are carrying a heavy suitcase. Have you considered talking about it with a therapist?
Thank you. I live in a homophobic community where I hide behind a mask and cloak. There are many changes that I need to make in my life so that it is more manageable. My mindset is a major one, and to learn to love myself, flaws and all. To celebrate the fact that my life is mine and no one else. Having a controlling spouse is very difficult but if I can manage to live with it this long, I can live with it that much longer. Just need boundaries that we both respect. I am also hoping that I will come across a woman willing to stand by me and accept me for who I am. I am in a state of confusion right now and can't wait for my next therapy session
