Almost relationship.

Hello, I'm looking for advice on a situation that has been plaguing me for the last couple of months.

Early on last year, I befriended a girl who was in my class in school. I've always known her and been friendly with her but we weren't proper friends. One day we were in the middle of after school study and I wanted to go home but I had no phone to ring my mum, I asked her for hers and I rang my mam. Later that evening she messaged me on FB to make sure I was alright, and the conversation never really stopped. We talked non stop on FB, as soon as we'd come home from school until we went to bed, in school things were much the same, we were still friendly, but neither of us acted like anything was different.

She is one of those people that you just find yourself opening up to, I just felt as if I could talk to her about anything. After about five days of this constant communication, I decided to come out to her. She was not the first person I came out to, a lot of my friends knew, but it was by no means public knowledge at school. In saying this, I found it really really weird that I was suddenly telling her, without much deliberation because usually its an agonizing process of psyching myself up. Anyways I told her that I like girls, and I hoped that we could still be friends. After this, we talked even more if anything.

One day we were talking as per usual, and it was like one o clock at night, and we were talking about lacking courage or something, and I said I wasn't brave for whatever reason and she replies 'you are brave, what's not brave is me... not coming out to you when you've given me lots of opportunity to'. She went on to tell me that she thinks she likes girls, but she hasn't told anybody else about this, just me. Her family are very religious, she even reads at mass and the area she's from would be considered a small town. I just tried to reassure her, that it is not a big a deal nowadays and that she's perfect the way she is. We had school the next day and I told her, not to be all awkward around me now. Funnily enough I walked straight into her in school (complete accident), and she looked like a deer caught in headlights. We had assembly and I was beside her (alphabetical order and all that), I whispered to her, 'see that wasn't as bad as you thought it would be was it' and she said 'no'.

We continued talking, and I found myself developing feelings for her, we were out one night and I was so excited to see her, we spent basically the entire night together and she got really drunk. When it came time for me to leave I left her with her friend and headed home. I got a text at like four in the morning from her saying 'I Miss u. X' Which warmed my heart and gave me all sorts of funny feelings. One day I decided to bite the bullet and asked her on a date, I did so with so much awkwardness I cringe thinking about it, I wouldn't look at my phone for hours after I sent it, she agreed and said it would just be like hanging out and not to be so worried.

Unfortunately, Valentines day was around the corner and I had made her the cheesiest V Day card, you can imagine, it was like four pages long, full of quotes and song lyrics etc. I gave it to her along with presents I had got her while I was on holidays. To me everything was going well, over the few months we were talking I became really close with her closest friends and before we knew it we had a little group going on. They, of course, were completely in the dark. Now looking back on it I wonder if she was really flirting, she use to send me snapshots full of puns, including one of her and a pear captioned 'we'd make a great pear'. We'd talk for hours about what we wanted our futures to be like, and ideal dates, and what we'd like to do with one another. We discussed basically everything you can possibly imagine.

Then all of a sudden she began to pull away from me, I asked her over to watch a movie, once or twice, and she'd say that she was busy. Which admittedly we were, we were in the midst of our exams that decided which college we ended up in. But I began to suspect there was more to it than that. One night I texted her and basically just said that I noticed she was acting differently towards me, and I was just wondering whether that was because she was stressed, or because she was worried about people finding out or whether she just didn't like me like that'. Her response kind of broke my heart, she told me that she loved me and she was so glad we had gotten close over the last few months but how she only saw me as a friend. Which you know I accepted, you can't make someone love you after all. I didn't text back, because I was still hurt, but the next day, one of our other friends asked us to go to the cinema, and I agreed knowing i'd have to see her sometime. Unfortunately the whole movie was about someone who was suffering from unrequited love, and there I was sitting beside her in the cinema, us both very deliberately not looking at each other. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

A few weeks later, after our exams were over we went to a different county for a break away, along with about four other friends. I wasn't there the first night, but when I came down and we all went for lunch, some of the girls were talking about how the girl I like kissed this random guy the night before. I tried very hard to control my facial expressions but I think she could tell I was hurt. She never was with guys when we went out at home, or at least to my knowledge, so I was really confused. That night when we all went out together, she arrived at the club late, this guy had been trying to get with literally all of us in the group but we all turned him down for various reasons but mainly because he was a creep. When she arrived, he had only just tried it on with her and they were making out, and it didn't stop. This went on for the four hours we were in the club. I was jealous, I knew I was jealous, and maybe I was being irrational, but she told me she was gay and here she was sucking face with an absolute creep right in front of my face. I left early and didn't go out the following night, I didn't want a repeat.

The problem is I'm still not over her, and it has been months. Much to my despair, we ended up both attending the same college, along with one of our other friends. I had hoped that once I started university, we'd all grow apart, but that hasn't happened. I still have to meet up with that group, go to the cinema, for lunch, for coffees. I would distance myself from them, but it would be unfair to do so, considering the other two girls would have no idea why I was doing so. I wouldn't want them to resent me, so I kind of stick around. But it is getting more and more difficult. Everything I do, I do it with her in mind, I'm acting spiteful and resentful, and its beginning to show. Even if the others don't realize. Whenever I'm drunk, I get all broody about her, and usually end up drunk texting her, to which she hardly ever responds. I've started going to gay clubs with some of my friends and whenever I get off with someone, I'm always thinking about her and afterwards I'd always find a way to directly/ indirectly make sure she knows. Even though this is pointless, as she doesn't even care.

The other thing is, I care for her regardless. I hate how she is still in the closet, not for selfish reasons but just for her. She's in college now, and it has been over a year since she came out to me and she's nowhere near accepting herself. She won't even tell her best friend who she has known since she was three, even though this girl is also one of my close friends and is very accepting of the fact that I'm gay. I've tried to broach the subject with her lots of times. One time in particular stands out, I talked to her about making out with that guy and asked her whether what she told me before about her sexuality was all lies or whether she was just confused. She told me that she doesn't like talking about it but she meant everything she said. I just don't know what to do. Even putting aside my feelings, I feel like I should help her in some way. As I am the only one who knows I feel responsible for helping her through the process, but she just seems so frightened. I understand, I was in that situation too. But I don't want her to be one of these people who ends up marrying a guy because she was too afraid to come to terms with her sexuality and tell her friends at the very least.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Xo

 

Thank you for replying ❤️
I did try get involved in the LGBT society in university. I attended a coffee morning, but I arrived and everybody seemed to know each other. I'm a really talkative person, usually you can hardly get me to shut up, so I don't know what happened me when I entered that room but I became mute, and the people there didn't seem to really want to talk to new people. Maybe I just went on a bad day, but ever since then I've found it hard to muster up the courage to return.

I have lots of other friends though, luckily. I made friends in college and then I have other friends from my old school. All of who know about me and are supportive. So it's not like if I stopped hanging out with that group I'll be left on my own. It's just that X and Y won't understand why I've suddenly decided I don't want to hang around with them anymore because they don't know anything about what happened with Z. And I can't tell them, so I would just look like a right cow who went off to college and made new friends and began to think I was too good for them.

I just feel so stupid all the time for pining over someone I never even dated. It's been like eight months since all this happened and I'm not even close to being over it. And she seems so indifferent to it all which makes it worse.

Sorry for boring you with my problems, when I don't even know you. It's just I can't talk to my friends about this without disclosing her identity and I can't do that