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Reducing crush’s control on my emotions

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PatrickPH, Feb 13, 2015.

  1. PatrickPH

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    Hi!

    I would greatly appreciate some advice again. :slight_smile:
    I have written another thread about this friend before. In summary: he’s a coworker (but I’m only part time), I have slowly developed more and more feelings for him since he started working at the same place, it seems like he has a girlfriend (according to Facebook but he never mentioned her), I’m seeing some signals (which could be only my imagination), and we haven’t done anything together outside of work yet.

    SO my current problem is that I’m letting my emotions rely too much upon him.
    We talk on social media often, but almost never as chatting (he’s much less online than me, so we exchange messages). For this reason, we are sometimes talking every day of the week, because it’s much slower than chatting live…
    This week, we exchanged 2-3 messages on Sunday and Monday, then he never answered to my last message. As always, I started feeling low and angry of being ignored, especially since I saw the “Seen” appear, and then disappear (he always marks messages as unread until he has time to answer, but now I had seen it happen). I’m stupid for that, but I felt depressed the next days thinking he didn’t even care about me anymore and I planned to ignore him completely the next time I saw him... BUT love feelings being involved, I saw an article that made me think of him yesterday, and I sent him a message with the link… and then no answer again. I was literally sure he was ignoring me and felt really bad, although I should have known it wasn’t the case. Then this afternoon, he answers me and he says, “Sorry I didn’t answer you before, I didn’t have enough time to write a decent answer, with the work and all”, and then he really wrote a long message. We exchanged a few messages again this evening…

    It’s really bothering me that I feel so depressed just because I don’t have an answer from him, and then having a big rush of adrenaline when it happens... And it’s recurrent (normally it doesn’t take him more than ½ day to answer back but I still get those stupid cycling mood changes).
    I think too easily that people don’t want to talk to me… Even though, I know it’s not the case because when we work together, he comes to talk to me for things not related to work or tell me something funny that happened during the week when he could definitely not do that… and which he doesn’t do with the other coworkers (at least not when I’m there).

    How do you lessen the impact of other people’s behaviour on your own feelings?
     
  2. slushhhhy

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    well everyone has their own way of dealing with things. perhaps you should invest less into communicating with him/disclosing less with him. if you don't want to feel as attached then perhaps try being less personal, and try to distract yourself with other things rather than talking to him?

    i think if he says he has a girlfriend, that shouldn't be forgotten whether he brings it up or not, or acts like he has one or not because... why would you want to get involved with someone who is in a relationship? i'd keep my distance. i don't know what kinds of things you talk about, or how you feel about your responses to his messages, but maybe it would also help to read his messages and not reply straight away. take your time answering, in case you say something you might regret, or think may be inappropriate (remember he has a *girlfriend*).

    it's a sucky situation but it could be worse if later on he messes you around or something. perhaps - now i don't know if this is good advice - scouting around for other pretty faces to look at?

    just enjoy your feelings i guess, even if they are unrequited. just don't indulge in them so much to the point that you wish something would happen and depress yourself. it's a nice feeling to like someone but i understand it's hard not to wish or expect more from them. they're not obliged to give you anything in return. so yeah, try to remember that and enjoy the time you do get to talk to them. :slight_smile:
     
  3. PatrickPH

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    Thank you for your answer!

    I don't really want to talk to him less because I think he would still make a very good friend if it stays like that. I really DO like talking to him.

    Actually (not that it really relates to this topic) the problem is that I don't know if he still is in a relationship or not. And I don't want to directly ask the question because I'm afraid he will guess that I'm interested in him, which I don't want him to know if he is straight... But then I have tried asking many questions to which he should have mentioned his girlfriend while answering and he never did. And I've already mentioned other suspicious things he has said and done in another thread before.

    Oh definitely I am NOT answering his messages straight away! Since it takes him a few hours, usually I do the same! And yes I always take the time to re-read just to make sure I didn't say something I'd rather not have said.

    I'm doing much better now. I guess feelings and reasoning get weird when you don't have enough rest and sleep! :S
     
  4. wasgij

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    Long, bitter years of experience! :bang:

    I guess you're trying too hard to be perfect? And you fight against what you consider to be negative, weak aspects of yourself? By fighting against your mood cycles and neediness, maybe you just make it stronger? It fights back. "It" is part of you, so how do you expect to win this battle against yourself?
     
  5. PatrickPH

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    lol it will be long then! I'm in my mid-twenties and he's just my 2nd (maybe 3rd) crush...

    You're right, I think I always have tried to be perfect.
    My thoughts often are, "He's ignoring me" or "He doesn't want to talk to me", which I know is not true objectively and is just my low self-esteem coming in. But now I'm just stopping myself to think that immediately and reminding me that he IS often initiating conversations both at work and on Fb. So I guess it will progressively go away if I can immediately stop the bad thoughts whenever they arrive.
     
  6. slushhhhy

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    what kinda questions do you ask him, which would make him mention his girlfriend? i guess if it says so on facebook, maybe he doesn't feel like he has to mention her?

    also in your first post you said you were getting "some signals" from him or something - what kinda signals? - or you could link me to the other thread if it explains it there :slight_smile:
     
  7. PatrickPH

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    Well sometimes I would ask him what his plans are for the weekend or during Christmas, but never does he mention doing something with a girlfriend. Whenever he mentions a show or something similar, it’s always with his family or brother, etc. And his Facebook profile does not mention a girlfriend, it’s only pictures from last summer… (some stalking involved!)

    Here’s a quick summary of the “signals” and things worth mentioning so that you don’t have to read another thread:
    - The usual: a lot of smiling when we talk, glancing in my direction when we work together (whenever I notice him and look back, he starts saying something), mirroring each other’s actions, standing quite close, some reciprocal teasing, etc.
    - Stayed at the table and talked with me the whole evening at our job's Christmas supper (which was noticed by many) and he said something like we were going "together"
    - At work, he often comes to talk to me just to tell me something funny that happened
    - Has written a song in the past (he composes music) with a gay couple involved…
    - Coworkers teasing us about each other (they were teasing him about how much more he talks to me than to everybody else (he’s shy), accompanied by some blushing on his part)
    - SO much texting with a high quantity of smileys (our average in the last 6 months would definitely be every 2-3 days). May be I initiate the conversations a little more often than him, but at work it's the opposite (he comes to me more than I do).
     
  8. JREChi

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    Hmmm, those are good signs and I would feel rather positive if I were in your shoes.
    You only talk at work or on FB, have you not exchanged phone #'s yet?
    Try and set something up on a weekend, if he likes to go to the movies see if he would like to go, invite some other co-workers you feel would be fun and engaging.
    Use that as a way to become more social friends and not just "work" friends, see how it goes from here.
    IMO, It seems to me you both are kind of at a stand off waiting for someone to make a move.
     
  9. PatrickPH

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    No we haven't exchanged phone numbers. Talking via Fb is pretty much the same as texting anyway, and I don't really want to talk to him over the phone because I live with my parents and I am not out...

    There's one thing (important) that I should have mentioned above. I HAVE already suggested doing things on the weekend (I think 3 times), but he was never available. Either he was working (so it's true because I saw his work schedule), and the other time he had something planned with his parents. And he hasn't suggested anything in return, which I see as a negative point... or is it just because he is even more shy than me? (which is the case though)
    As for inviting other coworkers, we both don't talk that much with the others (I mean that we don't really talk with them more than just normally at the work place, and even less in his case than me), so it would feel weird (at least to me).

    The first step will be to come out to him of course, but we'll see if I can do that if we ever do something together outside of work. I'll try suggesting one last time when we both have more time than now... In the meantime, I still have a good friend with who I can talk with!