Very long post- I apologize if it sounds offensive at any point, or if it comes off as narcissistic- I am being completely honest with my self-assessment here... A couple of issues at play: Background: I was wondering, after the failure of my first two 'serious' and long term relationships, followed by a quick succession of extremely brief short-term relationships, followed by even more NSA and meet-ups, I finally met this guy who made me feel as wonderful and as amazing as the first guy. He was the only guy in a very long time who had made me feel something deep, and something worth fighting for. Context: But I just ended things permanently a few minutes ago. The reason being was that, we had sex twice and before that we spent quite a bit of time together, texting each other every day, talking on the phone for several hours. But after each time we had sex, he said he would feel guilty because gay sex was 'wrong and unnatural.' Each time it would lead up to that ultimate act because there was undeniable chemistry between the two of us. Nonetheless he would be stricken with guilt and remorse- followed by later conversations saying that he would never have sex again, and that I wasn't "really gay, but just going through a phase". This was completely different to how he is before sex, saying things like "love is love", "we should accept how we feel" whenever I would ask him if he was absolutely sure that he wanted to proceed given his views on homosexuality. Apart from that, we clicked on every single level, and having been 'around', I realised how rare it is to finally meet someone to whom you connect to physically and emotionally. So I ended things when he asked that we just remain 'friends' or 'best friends' and that we should never have sex again. I ended things because the first thing I told him upfront when i met him was that I was not looking for friends. I ended things because I knew that I was developing very strong feelings for him very rapidly, and that a friendship on my part would simply be unfeasible because I firmly believe that, once you've had sex, declared your feelings for someone, switching to a platonic relationship can never work out without much drama and uncertainty. I ended things because I knew that, I would always be hurt by him pushing back my advances for intimacy and affection- that an unavailable friend was simply not someone I was looking for. But a part of me still feels as though I had done wrong- that had I just accepted his request and stayed as his friend, and then continue to meet him platonically- that maybe one day he would have turned around for me, and engaged with me how I desired him to. But there's just so much uncertainty with that path, and me knowing better, I understand that there's the potential for the feelings to become one sided on my part- in the event that I well and truly could have been a simple sexual experiment for him. So I ended things... but: Question: So my question is, having learnt from all my previous experiences that you can never change someone no matter how much you feel for them, have I in essence become jaded and cynical? Am I so tired of the very slow and risky process- the most certainly painful process- of getting to know someone very gradually and building things up to the climax that would be a relationship, that I wrongfully flinch at every hiccup along the way? Being real with myself, I am looking for a relationship- but I also love to keep things very well defined- whether it be friends, NSA or fwb, I make sure to never allow things to mix up. But the pattern of late is that my encounters with people have grown increasingly shorter and shorter- with myself being a lot more reckless with how I deal with people. It's not that I am trying to jump into things too soon, but I deal with people with the certainty that I have walked away from more painful situations in the past, and that I have been hurt more gravely in the past by people that I love. I treat every future person with almost a sense that they can be expendable- but that's not how I see things- it's just my firm belief that you cannot change someone- and that it is best to either accept it or walk away. further background details: I don't know, my 'ex' would always tell me that he had 'no more love to give' and that he was 'tired from everything in his past'... I find myself becoming more and more like that day by day- just this contentedness with being alone- but at the same time wanting to seek for something more. I do feel very tired from everything. Having experienced a deep friendship with my best friend where I developed feelings for him- where he was also confused about his sexuality (to an extent) before I finally decided that he would never change- to the next guy, who was bisexual, who loved me with his heart, but could simply not commit to me, still preferring girls in addition to me- to yet another guy- the most devastating of anyone that I have been with so far in terms of their mark left upon me, who simply did not want to label things as a 'relationship' because he was afraid of something and felt that he had 'no more love to give' - to another guy who was gay, but again struggled with his sexuality and said that he wanted to be friends- to another guy who felt more for me than I did for him- to another guy who had trouble accepting my past history (that was him calling it off more so than me- but I'm sure that I could have thought for that relationship if I needed to) And then there are so many others in between. thoughts: I am beginning to fear that I am developing an extremely unhealthy perspective upon the expendability of things, and of people. That I am indeed afraid of getting hurt at some point down the line so I never take risks with anyone anymore, and that I flee the moment that I sense that there is an insurmountable quality to them that I cannot accept or 'change'. But at the same time, I am aware that sometimes you have to take a chance with someone, and invariably trust that they will come around- and risk being hurt. So, I am wondering if I have a legitimate desire to just find someone compatible, or if I am taking things too far and expecting too much from the people I see? I just don't believe in having the ability to change anyone at this point- when I meet someone, I am not looking to enter a relationship where I have to change a single thing about them. If something does not work out, I walk away because there's no hope in changing them or trusting them- because at the end of the day they will only let me down one way or another- that there is nothing to expect from them. I am aware that, as some EC advisors have put it to other members, that it is important to 'heal the relationship with yourself' first before entering into any other engagement. I am trying that... but I realized after a couple of months that I was indeed just bullshitting myself- that I indeed wanted a relationship- or at least something with a little more certainty and stability... And one more thing, a very big nagging part of me tells me that I should have stuck around to at least educate him about accepting his sexuality- in a sense I almost feel like I should have saved him. Sure- I feel sad that things ended, but I feel even more sad for him given how I know his repressed sexuality will have haunted him for years and years- and that he may very well end up marrying a girl lovelessly one day for the sake of appeasing his stupid God and his ridiculous religion (I cannot respect a religion that causes someone to become so repressed like this). It would have been a massive task- but a very big part of me feels as though I had almost an obligation to 'save him'....
I don't think you come off as narcisstic, just conflicted. In fact, I often find that your posts resonate with me, there's something about the detailed self-analysis and agonising about whether you're doing the right thing that reminds me of myself. I remember some of your earlier posts so I understand some of the background you referenced. It's understandable that you feel tired, and you're feeling cautious and a little cynical about relationships, you've opened your heart before and been hurt. You're right that you can't change anyone else. That's just a fact, there's nothing cynical or jaded about it. It's actually a good sig that you can recognise this, even though it's tough to let go of the fairytale of changing someone through your love. You're certainly not responsible for saving anyone, that's only going to drive you crazy if you try ... and you know yourself that trying to stay platonic with someone you're in love with is difficult unless you've already given up on the idea of having a relationship. If you can handle it, all power to you, but if you know you can't, you don't need to feel guilty. However, even if someone is not 100% perfect, you can tell them what you want and expect from them, and see if there's a chance that you can meet halfway. If either one of you is not willing to do that, then it's honestly better to let it go sooner rather than later. There's nothing wrong with recognising that you might be in a relationship that will only end in hurt feelings, and getting out before it gets that far. Just as a side note ... have you ever formulated to yourself what you actually want out of a relationship, and what you're really looking for? I don't mean the things you're "supposed" to be looking for ... I mean what's really inside your heart. When someone has a lot of failed relationships, there's usually a reason behind it. I'm not trying to put you down or anything -- I'm not going to list all of the failed relationships I was in, but let's just say there were far more than I feel comfortable with, and some that I'm really not proud of at all. At some point I tried to analyse why I was so unlucky ... and came to the conclusion that it was because I was looking for someone who was going to save me, to change me, and make me "normal'. The problem for me was that this person doesn't exist. When I did finally find love, it was because I found someone I could share being weird with.
