Hello everybody... Now, I don't know how to start this, but, I felt I needed some advice, and I would appreciate it if you gave me your opinions. I have to warn you, it's a long post. As the title says, my parents are breaking up. They have done it once before, when I was 10, but now it's more serious, because they have already contacted a lawyer and it seems more certain that they are divorcing. I know I'll sound insensitive, but I don't care about them breaking up. I've always had the mean thought that they'd better break up, because they looked unsatisfied in their marriage and they used to complain at me. "I can't stand your father", "your mother has gone out again" etc etc. That really got on my nerves. So when my mother said "we're divorcing", I said "ok" and secretly I felt happy for her 'cause she looked happy. But I was also worried about my father, and today we had a talk which made me worry even more, that's why I'm writing here. My mother is the one who wanted the divorce. She's very lively and 10 years younger, so she complained that my father was grumpy, obese, behaving "like an old man" and not taking care of himself. And, though she was rude from time to time, and we've argued on that, she had a point. Today however, my dad told me he visited a psychiatrist, he was diagnosed with depression and was given antidepressants. And maybe his "grumpy-ness" was actually depression. That changes the whole picture. He has lost his parents, his son (yes, I had a brother), now he's losing his wife, he's depressed and he turned to religion. I'm afraid he's going to commit suicide. At the same time, my mum insists that the divorce will benefit him, too, because for some reason it will make him take care of himself and "change mindset". But, if he's depressed, that's a mental ilness, not a mindset, and I can't see how breaking up will make him better. I can see how she's willing to have a more happy (I was searching for another word but anyway...) life and nobody can force her to stay with my father but, at least, she should be honest, she's obviously not doing it for him. He also does an irritating thing: he somewhat threatens her, by saying that she will not succeed in her "new life" and will have lost her family and that he's in danger to have a heart-attack or a stroke. I came to visit them for the weekend and I feel like I'm in the middle of an emotional battlefield. Thank you again, for reading...
First, (*hug*) It seems your mother knows what she wants, and that she looks forward to some new kind of life. It seems your dad did not heed some signs your mother was giving. Unfortunately its kind of an old role model where the man is responsible for going to work and nothing else. He could see this as an opportunity to so something better, do things that would fulfill him and give him joy. Its no use denying that a few things could and mabe should be changed. It would do him good. He could think about making some changes. That would benefit his health, too. Your parents could support each other, letting each other life a life of their liking. If the thought is not too much for you, your father even might get to know a woman who is a bit more quiet, there probably are quite a few women of his age. He could dress up, be a bit more outgoing and really start something good and new. Imo its his responsibility to fight his depression and get help in time. And to reduce stress, maybe even at work, or where it comes from... and maybe dress up a bit... Watch out for yourself during those times. Its their responsibility to live their life.
Hi Nedussa. Divorce is an awful thing for all people to go through. It does sound like they need to go there own way.
I can't say that I've experienced this, but a few things ring a bell... Have you called him out on that emotional blackmail? Not to be disrespectful of my elders, but he sounds like a typical greedy baby-boomer who wanted it all, and bit off more than he could chew. Bank debt up to the eyeballs, a stressful and sedentary job to pay for it all, and total reliance on modern medical technology to work around the chronic stress and lack of exercise that they're in denial about. It seems so common that it's like a cultural epidemic: blood pressure medication, cholesterol swings, indigestion, thyroid problems, vitamin deficiencies... You engage them in some conversation about it, but they know it ALL, except how to actually get healthy, because their health problems are unique, subtle and age-related. There's also the habit of shopping around for doctors who "actually know what they're talking about". In other words, they already think they know best, and just need to pay someone for confirmation and a prescription. It doesn't help that in a capitalist utopia, doctors are financially motivated to give their customers the most profitable advice, which is not always the best advice. And when they get in too deep, they blame others for their lifestyle choices. Now you're worried that your dad might commit suicide. That's guilt-tripping, and he has no right to make you feel that way, regardless of any personal history. You didn't choose your parents.
I also have some possibly controversial opinions about depression. I don't believe it exists. People already have lots of other words to describe everything about depression: sadness, loneliness, feeling lost, confused, trapped, frustrated, jittery, lethargic, tired, weak, low stamina... Those things are all informative. The feelings imply that something really is wrong: maybe the person really is trapped? Maybe they need to change careers, declare bankruptcy, get a divorce, move out of their parents' basement, kick-start their life and do something different? Maybe their social media habits are getting addictive? Maybe they feel uncomfortable about the looming prospect of sudden changes in their lives? Lumping all of the emotional messages together under a broader label, actually seems to belittle them. It seems like the ultimate in medical quackery. Instead of encouraging people to focus on what the emotions are trying to say, the label distracts from all that and makes it OK for depression to seem mysterious. I say that with a fair bit of personal experience about depression. I used to be depressed quite a lot, and I've finally arrived at a position where I can look at depression as a counter-productive label. If I'm feeling lethargic or lonely, I want to be able to explore those exact feelings, so that any underlying problems can be resolved. This is completely at odds with advice I've heard, where antidepressants are meant to allow you to somehow work on your life, while numbing the low feelings.
Hello Nedussa, I'm sorry and I understand you're worried but the divorce is just between your parents so don't try to solve it for them. It's not your call. If you want to help your father tell him he's important to you and that he's not alone because you're there, show him you care. You may google how to help a depressed person. (*hug*)
Dude same. When I was 11 my parents split up then got back together about 6 months later. In September of 2014 they told us they were getting a divorce for real this time. It was just finalized a month ago. I had always wanted them to split up and I was actually happy. Nobody really understands how you can be happy when your parents split up after an 18 year marriage but I was (& sounds like you were too) To make our situation even more silimar, my dad also suffers from depression and has a mild drinking problem. We've always know but he's never done anything to help himself and that's part of the reason for the split. But recently (this weekend) my dad bought a small, fixer uper, house and I can already see it lifting his spirits. It needs a ton of work and he loves doing that kinda of manual cleaning and then designing. Maybe you could try to encourage on of the things your dad enjoys to make him feel better. But also realize that your dad is a grown man and his happiness is not your responsibility. I've spent many many nights awake worrying and feeling bad for my dad and that didn't help me or him. So care but don't let it bring you too far down. And know that you're not alone in what your going through a and feeling. Best wishes to you and your family.
Firstly, thank you for your advice, everybody, it was really really helpful. (*hug*) And I'm sorry for taking so long to reply. :icon_redf Status update: they went to a lawyer, so it's official. Jay: Yes, she knows what she wants. And things don't seem to be that bad for my dad, either, at least not so bad as when I posted the thread. He went to a gym and to a protest and, while he still seems sad sometimes, he's not worse than usually. Maybe the antidepressants help, too, I don't know... Especially the protest thing made me think that he questions not only some of his habits, but also some ideas. I hope it's for the best. The thought of my parents getting to know other people is not "too much" for me, not at all. The opposite, I like the idea. Wasgij: No, I don't call him out for the emotional blackmail, because he already feels like he's the one blamed for the divorce, so it will only harm our relationship. My mum calls him out for that enough. And yes, the situation is quite typical... Actually it's the kind of life I don't want to have when I grow up, this stereotypical image you're describing... Not that it's always so bad, but I'm repulsed by this lifestyle. In greek it's "petty bourgeois", I don't know if it has the same meaning in english. Middle-aged with typical family, work, no friends, couch, tv, blood pressure meds, stereotypical political views. Also you're right about the "knowing-it-all" thing. He's an expert on those topics. As for depression, I don't want to say "it doesn't exist" because I haven't researched on this one, and people who suffer from it swear it's 100% real. I think it's the same feeling as the one I experienced a period when I had lots of panic-attacks etc, it doesn't feel the same as sadness. It feels plain sick. Now, maybe it is caused by what you're saying... I have a book of practical philosophy which says that many times when we rush to the shrink, we could work with ourselves, our life and perspectives. The thing you're saying, about depression being a convient label to hide the real things, is very interesting. It's a long discussion and we're going off-topic. Belle: It's so much the same that I want to hug you. :lol: (You added the mild drinking problem... same here, too.) I'm glad your story ended well and I hope mine does too.
