Never ending crush

Hello all!

So right now I find myself a little lost, and in need of someone to talk to. But in order for you to understand where I am coming from, I feel I need to tell you my story, so here it goes. I must apologize in advanced for this wall of text. But I need to get this out, and I understand if you give up at this point.

So I am currently 22 years old, and bisexual. I’ve always been different since I was little, and there were moments of uncertainty whilst growing up, but I always ignored it. No one in my group of friends or family I knew were LGBT, so I grew up with the stereotypical heterosexual relationships all around me, so I never thought there could be more.

It wasn't until I was 16 years old I really got tested on it, through internet I met this group of people, and we would talk on Skype for hours. From there I was introduced to a girl who was bisexual, and apparently attracted to me. At the time I was in a state of denial, but thinking about it now, I know I had a minor crush at her. It wasn't until she got a boyfriend in our group of friends, that I started noticing this jealousy within me. But like I said I was in a state of denial, so I just ignored it and moved on.

As the years went by we all grew apart, and I met a new group of people, who all shared the same humor and common interest. It wasn't until I was 19, going on 20 I met some of these people during summer holiday, and I discovered I had very strong feelings for this other girl in the group. I have never been in a relationship before, single all my life, and this was the first time I've ever had any feelings so strong for another person. So I realized she was my first ever crush, and it was at this point I started to question my sexuality.

Now at this time (and still) I only knew one person I could talk to this about, and that was a friend I knew through my crush. They were very close, and I had a sneaky feeling there were more between them. At this time my crush had never come out to us, but I knew her friend was lesbian. So I sought out her advice, because she was the only one I knew would understand and I could get advice from.

So after a long talk, like this wall of text of mine, I realized that everything she had experienced and told me about was like my story. And it all started to make sense in my head. A lot of thinking and sleepless nights later I came to terms with the fact, I am bisexual. And when I finally admitted it to myself, it was like this weight on my shoulders were lifted, and for the first time in my 20 years I knew who I was in this world. Before I wasn't sure who I was, I felt like I hid a part of me, but finally now I felt in place and I could finally be myself fully.

Once that was sorted, came the difficult part. My crush. We were very close friends, at least I feel that way. She has helped me with so much, and was there during the time I discovered myself. But I had this sneaky feeling that her and her friend, had something going on. They both knew the reason for me starting to question my sexuality. There were some one, a huge crush/first love, but I hadn't told them who.

This is where it got a little awkward, because of my suspicions. But I needed to tell at least my crush about it, so I could move on. But seeing that her friend had helped me a lot, she was curious as well. And there I was talking to them both, admitting my crush. And like I suspected, they were dating. Awkward. But we all laughed it off, I moved on and so did they. It was just an innocent crush, and it was already forgotten.

Now almost two years later, some of the people in the group met up again. And long behold my crush comes back, stronger than ever. But this time in a form of a heartache. They say you never forget your first love, and I see that now. But first time we met, I didn't know who I was, this time I did. And in those two years after discovering myself, you could say I’d grow into my new self, and confidence stronger than ever, I was no longer confused about it all.

So here I am, heartache and all. Kind of depressed, because I can’t talk to my best friend about it. And I can’t talk to our common friend, the only other I know that can relate, because they are dating. I don’t know what to do, I have no else, so here I am looking for someone I can talk too.

Thanks for taking your time to read my boring and depressing story. I hope you have a wonderful day where ever in this world you may be!

 

That's the problem, I am pretty new to all this. I only have two friends (online) that are LGBT, one that is my crush and her girlfriend, so that is a no go. Besides that my family is very accepting of my sexuality, but when it comes to actually discussing crush/feelings (especially girls) it gets awkward. My friends close by aren't that close, so I don't really know where to turn to. Like my group of what I consider close friends are online, but again my crush and her girlfriend is in that group of people. So it's a little awkward bringing up that crush again, seeing that it's been two years and I thought I was over it. Until we all met again recently.