Hey everyone. So something I've noticed in all of my dates with guys is that it feels like I'm always the one that has to make plans (actually, I've noticed this among my friends too). I don't know, maybe I'm being a little over the top with it, but I feel like if someone truly cares about the other person, they would put in as much effort to plan things as I do...what do you guys think? Am I just being a little too emotional about this, or is there truth behind my thoughts?
I agree, and I've struggled with this too at times. I do think it is very petty which is why I've managed to keep it under control without making too much of a big deal over it. I think it is worth bringing it up that it bothers you, but probably best in a way that's proportional to the issue (i.e. a huge fight over this is not necessary). To me I think putting in that effort is an important part of seeing they care, but then again everyone is different and if they show they care in other ways maybe its best to pick your battles here. Again, maybe they are just different and are like this with all their friends, or maybe they just get used to you asking so its become the norm to them. Either way just tread lightly because this isn't something in my opinion that's worth losing someone you care about.
When you say that you 'have to make plans', how are you being forced to do this? Are these folks (dates, friends), literally telling you that you should handle all the planning or is it more a matter of you feeling that if you don't step up and take over the planning then nothing gets done (or will get done)? If it's the latter, it could be a matter of you learning to relax and give others a chance to do the planning (and do it their way). If you have a habit of planning things, you may need to explicitly tell them that you are going to step back and let them plan it or suggest to them that they handle the planning and you will go along with whatever they come up with (and then do it). I mention this as someone who is an unrepentant control freak whose default approach to everything is 'if I want something done right, I have to do it myself'. For the sake of my own sanity (and to get some rest), I've had to learn to actually let go and let others handle stuff instead of just wishing they would, even though I wouldn't ever let them. If it actually is the case that these people are always looking to do you plan things...the next time something comes up, make it very clear that you aren't going to be able to do the planning and that they will need to - and then stick to your guns on this (politely but firmly). My 2c worth, Todd
When you say that you 'have to make plans', how are you being forced to do this? Are these folks (dates, friends), literally telling you that you should handle all the planning or is it more a matter of you feeling that if you don't step up and take over the planning then nothing gets done (or will get done)? If it's the latter, it could be a matter of you learning to relax and give others a chance to do the planning (and do it their way). If you have a habit of planning things, you may need to explicitly tell them that you are going to step back and let them plan it or suggest to them that they handle the planning and you will go along with whatever they come up with (and then do it). I mention this as someone who is an unrepentant control freak whose default approach to everything is 'if I want something done right, I have to do it myself'. For the sake of my own sanity (and to get some rest), I've had to learn to actually let go and let others handle stuff instead of just wishing they would, even though I wouldn't ever let them. If it actually is the case that these people are always looking to do you plan things...the next time something comes up, make it very clear that you aren't going to be able to do the planning and that they will need to - and then stick to your guns on this (politely but firmly). My 2c worth, Todd
Thanks for the advice guys. AKTodd, it's that I feel like if I don't try to make plans then nothing happens. Update time. The original post was brought on because this guy I was seeing seemingly blew me off. A week's gone by and we still haven't seen each other again. I pushed aside my annoyance and tried other times to meet up with him, with all of them leading to him canceling last minute. He's offered a couple "makeup" dates but canceled them the day of as well. I think the grand total of canceled dates in the past week is now at 5. At this point I'm hard pressed to see it as anything other than him blowing me off and trying to keep me around as a sex buddy. Do you think my gut is steering me the wrong way, and I should give this guy the benefit of the doubt?
