Going onto eight years of "knowing", I've finally figured it out. Not just what I like, who I'm falling for, but this big question of who I am and want to be. A solid six of those eight years have been in the closet, however, so jumping into the "dating world" was nerve racking at first; but like I told you, I've figured it out! Just be myself, love myself, and the rest will come. Okay, so zoom in on the recent present. Too busy between two part-time jobs and full time enrollment to mingle, not to mention the hyper-masculinity of my campus is sort of hostile, I decide to try some of those snazzy "dating apps." Specifically, I'm looking at ****** and ******. Get on, profile done...and now we're waiting. It's not a long wait, but you're anxious all the same. Ooo, I got one! Yes, hello, how are you... Do I want to see your- OH LORDY!!! Dick pics...hook up requests...bad pick up lines...and worst of all: the apathetic. It's been like this for months. Part of me is just saying, "Oh hey, maybe Appalachia isn't the best place to date as a gay male", but then honestly I'm at school...so what's the alternative? Nada. And this happens consistently. You know, I'm starting to feel I'm doing something wrong. I don't get it, and it feels like I'm the only one. If we could be so presumptuous to call this a culture thing, why the hell is it a culture thing? What's with the hypersexualized gay "culture" that I keep witnessing left and right? So I started to take mental notes. A lot of the men who'd message me for a hook up specifically are older, looking at about 25+ years of age. Backgrounds are diverse, regarding personality, appearance, and (surprisingly) relationship status. Thanks for the offer to blow ya, married dude, but I'd rather not...ya... Then we get to the awkward of the pick up lines. These guys, while a bit more polite, still lay it on pretty thick and I'm just suffocating at the measure of effort that's being put in just to get some. Lastly, the apathetic. Various backgrounds, ages, etc. The conversations go something like this... A: "Hey." B: "Hey. How are you?" --- end...or A: "good" [deflating balloon noises] Being painfully optimistic this does not stop me. Sometimes I get beyond the how are you and onto some solid conversation, but even then it just sputters out. I start wondering, hell am I just a bore? I mean I can't read minds or transcend space to see oft into the distance as to what's going on (don't think I'd like to either), but seriously, it goes no where. Until then, I find a guy who's actually talking...omg, what is this, two... TWO?! Now, I'm not thinking "Oh baby, I'm da shiiiiit," but I am pretty happy because you know what, i stuck with it and it's finally paying off. Guy#1 - ironically, both are named Michael (probably the third or forth Michael I've just had bad luck with; should probably give up lol) Talks about himself a bit, so hell, be interested, ask questions periodically as to not suffocate that conversation while still showing interest. "So, been wondering, want to go on a date?" He says yes, YAY (internal monologue of course). Stood up. Thank, but that's hella disrespectful, no thanks... One ship sunk. Guy#2 - scary similar, like another variation on my own life scary similar Interests he scores like...70-80% similar, so plenty to do and talk about while retaining personal lives and having more to share. Values...definitely similar, but being about 2 years younger his are a bit half baked (e.g. "I want a beautiful child..." < your plan if that doesn't happen being...I mean this is your CHILD we're talking about.). Mutual attraction is clear. I mean I personally wouldn't have gone in for a hug with someone I just met, but okay, you do you, I figure. Things are good. No problem areas, some concerns to discuss if the relationship were to progress to a stage where discussing that is comfortable, but still he's doing well for himself it seems. At some point, even with sporadic conversation, it becomes one sided. Like, what happened? Long story short, he's getting out of a relationship (seemed to end badly, not many details), and doesn't really want another one right now... ...but is still messaging people on a dating application... I mean, there's no science to it per se, but if I'm getting messaged by someone else on a dating app the impression I'm getting is, "I'm interested." Ya nope. I press the issue one more time for clarification (e.g. don't want to date now, immediate future, ever). He flips his lid, I'm getting bitched out, being called clingy and rude. Oh hell no. I lay down some facts of the conversation... The inappropriateness of discussing your ex and sex career with someone you just met, my holding my tongue in spite of that, and really just listening for a little under two hours as you talk about yourself showing no interest in me. Like, make up your mind!!!! I'm not saying make this commitment for life, but when you're genuinely drawn to someone, have an interest, and want to know more, it's not going to come via osmosis. You need to ask questions, the right questions, questions you're actually interested in knowing about. Just...ugh. Anyway, to summarize, he didn't know what he wanted, which inhibited him from communicating anything it seemed. Not just what he wants from others, but even of himself; lad is measuring "how gay" he is vs. the depth of his character in all facets of life. Even when something he's sensing is unwanted (e.g. clingy behavior) arises, he's back in this state of hesitation. Mind you, a majority of this is over text message, so there's a lot of depth to the communication that's lost. Still, if something's making you uncomfortable, how difficult is it to speak up? I mean the only cue I'm getting is what's being said, and considering how good the initial meet and greet went, yes, I am under the impression you're interested and likely busy (I know I'm busy and that just happens sometimes). It ends in an argument...over text, unfortunately. Leave me alone (clingy...) >What did you just say? Let me spell this out for you, kid... > Don't go around telling people about my life's mistakes! >1) How immature do you think I am? 2) I have nothing to gain from that 3) I am not that kind of person! Which you'd know if you'd ask! > more snark >Listen, trust me on this, for the third time now you said you wanted to stop talking, but you keep messaging me back. Stop, go think about what you want, because it isn't clear and you're causing a misfortune to yourself and others along the way... >Ok. It was probably the most candid conversation we'd had so far over texting. In person things were actually good; yes, I did like 80% listening, but he seemed like he needed it. He's not a bad person, but just so confused. And, I'm so sorry to rant more about him, but I hate him for it, because I still like him. Because I am so stupid for knowing what's he's going through, and I can't get back into that state of mind. Because, for every bad thing he could say about himself, I'm accepting it, knowing fully well how hard it is to even accept ourselves, let along be accepted by others and face that judgment. Just to quote Cartman, "Fuck, fuck, fuckity, fuckfuckfuck!" Alas, I reflect, I've gotten closer. I still have not found someone who's sure enough of themselves to fight for what they want, and to work with someone when things get difficult, but these baby steps have made me more confident. This still leaves me with a problem though, because I sure as hell don't get it... What is it that I'm missing that's putting me in a different state of being than...literally almost every gay male I encounter? I don't think a homosexual problem, or a male problem. There's so much of this in human dating in general, I'd observe. The stands ups, the game of who cares less, the shell that is hook up game and one night stands... People are looking for something, some sacred piece of intimacy, and they are all hoping that by finding that one person they will magically discover it together at once hidden under the pillows and sheets... It's driving me nuts. Yes, I have had fortune in my unfortunate coming out experience (I got the "phase" talk, and pretty much shoved that part of me away until college since I was roughly...13) that I was forced to look inward at who I was and what I want. Personality may have something to do with it, upbringing, I really don't know. Psychology doesn't even know, nature and nurture have been fighting for so long, that it's just become a cacophony of debate and theory. Like, did I miss something by not getting that early socialization into the modern "dating world" and are my replacement ideals of "Cuddle then sex" over "Sex then cuddle" so misplaced? Relationships, even the short lived, need some baseline of trust. My god, if you're a bottom that trust needs to be there or it will just be awful regardless of the lube... But there seems to be this cultural trend of blindly jumping with reckless abandon into the unknown without any sense of guidance that people are following, just hoping to stumble across their truth rather than seeking it. And guess what, ya, sure, YOLO, you do you, etc., but please (PLEASE!!!!) do so with the courtesy of knowing you're still affecting the lives of others on their own journeys. Yes, that brief passing in the night can be okay, but why are we so stubborn to make it cold and awkward rather than that magic we're craving? Have we sincerely lost hope of that being a potential reality? And, a final question, for those of us who do know what we want, where we stand (even if its just at this moment), what are we to do to interact in an integrative manner that will not force either me to give up those values I've sought after so dearly, or you to feel pressured into being something you're not sure you want to be? Maybe that's the thing I'm looking for, this paradoxical selfish selflessness. Thoughts? Stories? Advice? Please, I'm welcoming all perspectives to expand this realm of thought. I don't get it. Shallowness that isn't sex is ignore able and the slightest spikes in intimacy/intensity outside of sex are red flags.
