I am a transgender homosexual who is in the early stages of transitioning. I still look mostly like a girl and my flamboyant personality and style are most often mistaken for cis behavior. That usually results in cis guys trying to date me. I hate to tell them no, because they don't always listen to explanations and will blame it on themselves. A lot of the times I fear that if I tell them the truth of the matter (about my gender ID and sexuality) they will get mad and tell others. *sigh* It's like dancing a jig on patchy ice; you never know which spots are thinner than others. But I still try and stay strong and let people down easy, usually dropping hints and acting certain ways to try and tune them into what's really going on. Friends are a big help too, but I hate feeling like I have to make them feel obligated to try and vouch for me. I hate making other people sad or upset or even angry for who and how I am, so I guess I'm looking for a bit of reassurance about it all...
I can reassure you! First of all, you have every right to turn someone down for whatever reason you choose. You owe them no explanation, either. I know what it's like to struggle with guilt for hurting someone's feelings, but you really have to realize that you are absolutely not responsible for nurturing their feelings. Blame is something that a person puts on themselves. It is not your fault that they do this. Putting their emotions and feelings on yourself is destructive. You have no responsibility to them, no matter who they are. Once you have accepted this, the guilt will drain away and you won't feel like you are dancing on ice. You don't have to dance on ice. I'm not saying to just be a jerk and shatter everyone's feelings on purpose. You can still let them down easy and whatnot. Just don't take responsibility for how they are feeling. How they react is entirely up to them. You are not obligated. You don't have to hint. You don't have to put that on yourself. If you want to be truthful, then be truthful. You shouldn't have to hide anything at all. You are who you are. If they are going to try and push you in the first place, then I would say that they aren't the type of person that you want around you, right? Anyways, try not to worry so much about other people and worry more about yourself. They'll live from being turned down. Anyone who acts like it is the end of the world and openly blames themselves and gets mopey in front of you because of that is simply trying to manipulate you emotionally. And that is wrong. It is not normal or right for someone to make you feel guilty for politely turning them down. No always means no. And that should be the end of it on their part. Just remember this, and take care of yourself. I know that it's all easier said and done when you care about people and are empathetic to their sufferings. But you also can't stress yourself out over it, especially when it's something so personal and important as a relationship and transitioning. Be strong! And please feel free to talk to me if you need to. I'm always around. c: Good luck!
