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Posted here before....found out my gay boyfriend has been seeing his ex

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by sandhorsey, Feb 17, 2015.

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  1. sandhorsey

    sandhorsey
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    Took him to Walmart on February 13th to and he stated that he wanted to get his "mom" some flowers and candy for Valentines day. He is currently unemployed so I bought flowers and candy for both my mom and his. Then i find out he has had a girlfriend the entire time we have been dating, and he gave the flowers to her.

    I have falllen in love with him after knowing him for 8 months and exclusively dating him (or so i thought) for 2 months.

    He told me that he wants to become a woman (top surgery only) and that he is closeted because his family and friends are very religious. I paid for his eye exam because he is not insured, loaned him money for rent, bought him a phone when his got broken, and made sure he was fed, his clothes were washed and folded, and paid for all our dinners together.

    I even took him clothes shopping and bought him over $300.00 worth of womens clothing, makeup, and wigs (that are at my house when he used to come over). I found out he was using my phone and my ipad to keep in contact with her for the past 10 days. I have photos of him in drag and I have been tempted to send them to his friends and to his fiance (but i won't). He has destoyed my emotions and he has broken my heart. He is 23 years old and I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I am in my 40's and feel i have been played.

    What should I do?
     
    #1 sandhorsey, Feb 17, 2015
  2. Chiroptera

    Chiroptera
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    Hey sandhorsey,

    Sorry this has happened to you.

    Stop seeing him. It may be hard, but there is no forgiveness or excuses when someone cheats. You deserve someone better.

    I'm sorry (*hug*)
     
    #2 Chiroptera, Feb 17, 2015
  3. sandhorsey

    sandhorsey
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    but i don't know if he did cheat or not. it is just a gut instinct, dunno if it is because i am so cynical, but all the secretiveness for not being out of the closet, even with his friends, leads me to believe that i was just a sugar daddy to him.
     
    #3 sandhorsey, Feb 17, 2015
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    Hi,

    I'm so sorry that this has happened to you, and I can imagine how it must feel to you to put genuine love and caring into him, and be treated the way you are.

    I have to agree with the previous poster: The right choice is to let him go. Whether he cheated is irrelevant; he lied to you about who he was giving the candy to, he hasn't been authentic with you, and so, on that basis alone, the relationship isn't authentic and isn't going to be healthy.

    I'll venture into some difficult territory as well: This relationship, in addition to all of the issues you've described, is inherently unhealthy. It is a codependent relationship; here's someone who is unemployed, got a lot of emotional and psychological issues, and has a boyfriend almost twice his age who he's relying on to take care of him. This isn't good for either one of you. It fosters a sense of dependency and needing to be taken care of on his side, which isn't good for a 23 year old, and it fosters a sense of enabling on your side.

    This is one of the major reasons why relationships with large age gaps, where the younger person is under 27 or so, almost never work: the imbalance of power almost always creates these issues, and one or both parties end up hurt.

    So letting him go is important, but so is looking at yourself and working to understand what's going on for you, and why it seems appropriate to you to be a caretaker for someone who should be capable of taking care of himself.

    I don't mean any of the above to be hurtful; it can be really difficult to look at these parts of ourselves, particularly if it is an established pattern. And yet, I think if you do take the time to explore how you got to this place, it can be the start of working on yourself and getting into a much healthier mindset for the future so you don't simply go out and repeat the pattern.
     
    #4 Chip, Feb 17, 2015
  5. bicomplicated

    bicomplicated
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    Omg! Sorry, but how shitty of him! I am sorry this happened to you. In the future, be careful about spending a lot of money on someone even if you are seeing them. And I agree, it is probably best to leave him alone and move on. He is obviously not trustworthy and you deserve so much better! Hugs!
     
    #5 bicomplicated, Feb 18, 2015
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