What's the point in all this. . . either way, I am alone

I am not sure where I can post this, but I just need to get this out of my chest. So many issues overwhelming me right now and I am not content with it only in my personal journal for my eyes only. I feel selfish but I just want at least one person to hear me out and just listen.

I have been married for over a decade, my oldest is a teenager. Over the years, I have faked the intimacy part and often wondered why. My guess was that it is my body's way of dealing with the emotional abuse. So I lived in fear and for my spouse.
In the last year, I have been going to a therapist. Dealing with issues have been exhausting and yet liberating. I no longer live in fear and I live with my spouse and not for him.
Upon discovering I am bisexual, through what I now know is the work of my spouse, it took a while to accept myself. There were times where I honestly felt utterfly disgusting, because of the homophobic upbringing. Now I feel comfortable in my own skin and have accepted the fact that I like both men and women. Now I understand why I faked it all, I am now aware of what makes my heart sing and it is a beautiful thing. I see the beauty in the embrace of another woman, and ache for it.

My current circumstances prevent me from being fully alive. Homophobic community, homophobic family, only a dozen people know who I really am and there is some support there but minimal. Spouse is still unpredictable, still selfish and I often wonder if I am what he really wants. Talking with some of his his family, they are saying that he needs to grieve. But there is no excuse for abuse! It is not right to inflict physical pain to another human being, especially to a wife, no matter what the situation is. Looking back now, the emotional abuse has subsided but it was intense. The physical abuse was minimal but was slowly escalating. Worse feeling is that I can't talk to my mother about any of this. I tried and she told me never to talk ill of my husband and to submit to him as instructed in the bible. Little does she know what I am submitting to.

While all this is happening in my life, I have an anxiety disorder. Have suffered from anxiety attacks and learned how to cope with them. I have been doing well in dealing with them. Again, I tried going to my mother. . . rebuke it, she says and said it is all in my head. Honestly, mother, do you think I want to feel this way?! With therapy, my mindset is slowly changing and with change comes obstacles. I feel liberated, as I put up boundaries and keeping them. I feel liberated, as I stand up for myself and do not tolerate abuse anymore. My idea of myself is becoming positive, it is not easy but I see a change. The more I challenge the thoughts and feelings of the 'old' me, the more I say I am not stupid, I am not crazy, I am not all the labels and names my spouse use to keep me oppressed. The more I rebuke them, the more physically straining it is. I am having more anxiety attacks, the physical symptoms of anxiety seem to be increasing. My bones ache, my stomach aches, my joints are stiff and I feel nauseous. I force feed myself, not a healthy way but it is giving my body the stuff it needs.

So to get away from all this, I take self care measures to calm my thoughts down. Soak in the tub for hours. Drive around in loops listening to my music. It is working. But there are times when spouse question me, my habits. I closed my heart to others, I pushed people away to make sure they don't see the abuse. But I am tired of being alone.

If that isn't enough, here is another string to add to my extremely tangled up life, to add to my complicated self. There is this woman I noticed and she made my head turn. Her smile caught my eye, and her stride makes the butterflies in my stomach flutter. We chat, well I feel it is me keeping the communication line open but that's ok. Hope I am not over doing it. But even though I am emotionally exhausted I want to get to know her, to have a friendship with her. I am attracted to her, but the physical part is not important right now. What I really like about her is her personality. I have invited her to go for a drive, a few times now. But she has had other things to do, and I am ok with it. Maybe it is best that I stay away, from her and from everyone else.
At the end of the day, I am alone. So is it worth it to make an effort to have a social life? My efforts never work as those I try to have some sort of friendship always end up too busy to communicate with me. Is there anything wrong with me? What is it about me that drives people away? Why do I feel like such a disease? Maybe it is better that I do not make an effort to include anyone in my life. Keep it minimal. Take care of my family, show them unconditional love. I am tired of being alone, but I feel it is the only way to keep my heart safe.

 

Thank you. Today has been a good day. I know each person deserve the best of life and I believe I do, too. Life is certainly a roller coaster ride, and when I wrote the thread, it was a really bad day where I doubted myself. Doubt, a constant feeling I am learning to let go and take faith. Self doubt forced me to build walls, but I am working on rekindling friendships and it is a constant battle as spouse is always questioning every move I make. But boundaries are slowly working for me. I do deserve to have friends, to pursue a friendship that I feel is meant to be. She has that smile that brightens my day, and brings me back to life. I am hoping the friendship will continue.