What the Apps are Doing to Relationships

That's a great question to pose. For me, I found a mentor in my first boyfriend (whom I happen to have initially met on a web based dating site, not a location based hookup app). After we split up, my second and current boyfriend then took on that role (we met standing accross from one another completely by chance). I believe my personal journey has been greatly enhanced by both of them as real mentors.

Having met people on hook up apps between relationships, it does seem very obvious why a mentor would be important for personal development, and how the lack of one can leave some people a bit lost.

 

My boss at work was my mentor. Not so much in terms of the bars (I was very strongly against entering any type of bar (gay or straight) under any circumstances at the time.), but definitely in terms of having someone to talk to, both in general and about some relationship issues I had later on.

I'm not sure that anything has really replaced it just yet. I do know from a younger friend of mine (who does use the apps from time to time) that it's apparently common in the bars now for people to just stand around staring at the app on their phones trying to flip through each others profiles rather than actually, you know...talk to each other.

Todd

 

I have never had a mentor before as a gay male. I figured out a lot of things on my own by using the internet and by experiencing life. I have, however, been a mentor to some other friends of mine who have sought my guidance over the years.

Despite what the article says above, that apps tend to make it easier to miss love, I think that apps in general provide a greater access to community, friendship, and potential relationships for those like myself who live in rural communities. I have found that these apps tend to adapt pretty well when users are spaced far apart, so that even when you're in the boonies, you still get the same number of people shown. They tend to be farther away from each other and you, but they are there.

Especially in the South, apps and dating sites in my opinion are almost a necessity. There aren't any gay bars where I live, and any normal "straight" bars would probably be actively antagonistic to any overt homosexuality. While I do dislike the flakiness of behavior often shown in these apps, I have met some people through them that have added to my quality of life in that they've given me a set of experiences that I look back on with a certain attitude of fondness.

Perhaps I am simply the kind of guy who would say these sorts of things because I'm me. I really have never sought a mentor to guide me in any aspect of life, and I tend to be predisposed toward attempting to figure things out on my own rather than asking someone else for help. I'll try it "the hard way" before I ask questions of anyone else.

When I read the sentence from the first paragraph you quoted, “But because you have direct access to it, you may miss what could be love," the question that arises in my mind is, "Why do you think that?" (Do you mind providing a link to the article in question? Or is it perhaps behind a pay wall?) I don't believe that a direct focus on sex necessarily decreases the potential that someone might find an individual to think of as a mate or spouse. It seems like there's always been a stigma against overt, direct, and quick sexuality when associated with potential relationships. "No sex on the first date", etc.

I will admit that the presence of these apps probably gives rise to a trend in which people we would normally see at the bar forego it instead and rely on these apps to find potential partners or dates. So we miss certain indicators of potential compatibility that we might normally only find in a bar scene. But then this makes me wonder about how opportunities fare for guys who have never liked or enjoyed the "gay scene" or gay bars. Apps create another venue for men with different tastes to pursue romance, sex, friendship, or whatever.

I've been to a couple gay bars/clubs before, and I honestly found my enjoyment of such places to be lacking. Unless you enjoy drinking, dancing, and/or group socializing, the atmosphere and environment will most likely not better your chances at finding that special someone. I might also bother noting that the ease of access to illicit substances increases quite often at gay bars. Almost every single time I've been to one of the larger ones, I not only never had to ask for any, but it was offered to me by the guys I met there during our very first interaction.

Maybe this article isn't really about how apps are affecting relationships, but more about how apps are affecting the bar scene. That's what I gather.

 

I never really had a "mentor" with regards to my relationships, but my uncle had come out to my family several years before I did (during the time I realized I was gay). Essentially this gave me the courage to do it and set my family up for the surprise (or what I thought would be a surprise). We had different personalities so I never really picked his brain about the bar scene or how he met other guys, because it might not have worked for me, but he definitely was someone I looked up to because of the courage he had to take that step later in life.

 

I actually had a ton of them. The first time I went to a gay bar I fell in with a group of almost twenty guys who very consciously showed me the ropes-- what the different bars and clubs were like, which night to go where, which gyms were for working out and which gyms were for, well, other things, which coffee houses, restaurants, stores. When I decided to step up my gym regimen one of them showed me how. When I threw my first big party where a lot of gay guys would be in attendance four of them showed up an hour early to help make sure everything would be perfect. They showed me around and between the lot of them personally introduced me to hundreds and hundreds of other gay guys. And I in return functioned as part of the mentoring group for a lot of other guys as they entered the community.

I, however, am part of that "twenty years ago" demographic. But my understanding from my younger gay friends is that it still works much the same way although perhaps not as easily. The day I met that group of guys I met a ton of other guys who probably would have done similar things for me if I had decided to fall in with them--now you may have go a couple times to find a supportive group, but it really does seem, at least here to work much the same way--if you choose to actively engage with the community. The thing that the apps do, in my opinion (and I've never even been on one) is that they make it really possible not to engage with the community. I think that can be good--some people are just not social, some people really don't have access to the community. But, I also think there was something to be said for really having to suck it up and walk into the gay venue and talk to people--and part of that was because you just didn't have other options. On the one hand, options are good--on the other hand having to suck it up and leave my comfort zone and do this thing or just be alone completely transformed my life and my world. I wouldn't have done it if I didn't feel it was my only option and I'm so glad I did it--so in a way I guess I'm glad I came out when there really weren't other options.

 

Oh heck no, I haven't had a mentor. It's partly because I've turned myself away from the gay community, and partly because I wouldn't have felt comfortable.

Also, I understand that apps might be ruining things - but what about people in small towns? Where there are no gay bars, or if there are they're super creepy? I've used some apps before simply to just talk to guys. Sometimes, I can't take the high road and expect myself to go find a guy in real life. While I know I want my first guy to be someone I meet in person, I see nothing wrong with just using an app - safely.

 

I'm a bit of an outlier, since I came out only last year and at the age of 63. But I did have a mentor — a man I met at the local gay nude beach three years ago. We became friends and have remained so to this day. From the beginning, he never doubted I would eventually come out, even when I was pretty sure I wouldn't. Having his steadfast but not pushy support throughout the process was exactly what I needed, and I am forever grateful to him.

I also had a boyfriend (whom I also met at the gay nude beach) for the year previous to my coming out, and he too was a kind of mentor, both in the coming out process and for how to be a gay man. Unfortunately, we broke up soon after I came out and we are no longer in daily contact, though we do see each other out and about from time to time. I hope one day we can reconnect as friends. I was very lucky to have my original mentor still on the scene during the break-up — otherwise it could have been much uglier than it actually was.

 

This is just a part of the larger picture of the fragmentation of society and an increasing individualization apart from any sense of community. I had a gay mentor in the 90's, who was older and was the first person I actually came out to. I was really completely honest with him, we did not have sex (though he was honest that he was really attracted to me), and he gave me really good advice. Unfortunately for me, I went back into denial for several more years. But now I have another mentor, who is someone I went to high school with many years ago. I tracked him down through social media (so there is another side to that coin), came out to him, and have been completely honest with him about my life. He's gay but far away, so our communications are all on line. But having that one person who knows me, and who has been out since the late 70's and has a lot of experience, has been of some help. He explains things to me that I might otherwise have to wander through blindly. But still in all, it's not quite what is described in the excerpt. Having a mentor who is there with you, guiding you along, must be a great comfort. Still, I find having friends (and I have one here, near where I live) who have been out for many years, and being able to talk to him, is a lot better than having to either be all alone, or jump into a relationship with all of those dynamics when I am in no way ready for something like that.