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This New Guy :rolleyes:

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by dmarc92, Feb 20, 2015.

  1. dmarc92

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    Ok, so after many failed attempts I met a guy online. He's awesome.

    We've only been talking for about three days but I like him. He's down to earth, reasonable, not naive :rolle: , he's easy to talk to and is very relatable. Plus he's suuuper cute and I think he likes me too. He only lives like an hour from me and I'm hoping to meet him sometime soon :icon_bigg but of course there is a problem.

    He's got some emotional scars, he's been hurt and is kind of distant. I know it sounds like Im a little clingy but its like he pushes me away. For instance, I can say something flirty or jokingly and he'll sometimes respond like "oh watch, in a week from now you wont like me anymore" or "you'll forget about me in a couple days". And even though I can't say "no, i won't" because I don't know what will happen between us, all I've been doing is trying to get to know him and get closer to him as a friend or something more but he gets negative sometimes.
    How can I prove to him that I'm interested and that I'm not that shallow. I like him a lot and I don't want to just drop him like he expects me to but he's not really letting me in. :icon_sad:
    And I try telling him these things but it's like he doesn't understand. I'm really into this guy and I want him to get that I'm not the type to talk all the talk but not walk the walk. I trustworthy, or at least I try to be and I just don't know how to make him understand that.

    Last night we talked on the phone for the first time so that was cool but I think I might've said some wrong things... idk, he took some things a different way then I meant them I guess, it seemed like he did because he was kind of irritable but tried to hide it with a joking tone. IDK :bang: I need some advice :help:
     
  2. robclem21

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    Hi there,

    My first thoughts after reading your post are kinda twofold: 1) That he may have a little bit of emotional scarring or maybe he is a little insecure and 2) That is has been a grand total of 3 days so you need to relax.

    If the issue is that he has had some bad relationships in the past or maybe that people haven't been that nice to him in general, it is likely that it will take more than a few days for him to open up to you. After all, if he is afraid that you are going to leave him in a week (maybe this has happened before), why would he want to rush to open himself up to more emotional turmoil. On the other hand, if the issue is that he is insecure, those types of comments are probably just him seeking reassurance that you find him attractive and that you initially like him. I think in both circumstances, it isn't a bad thing to say I'm not going to forget about you in a week, or that "I like you don't worry". Those are reasonable comments because both are true. I would avoid saying things like "I love you" or "I want to be with you forever", but a little reassurance that you are in fact interested may go a long way in helping him begin to open up to you. Especially if you like all these about him that you've stated.

    Second, it's been 3 days. Most people don't open up their life story in this short period of time, particularly after only speaking once on the phone. Give him some time to get comfortable and just try to encourage his comfort by giving him a little bit to work with. I think that should help.

    I would need some examples of stuff you said on the phone and how it was misinterpreted before I could comment on that, but its likely in line with the first set of comments I made here. Hope that helps.
     
  3. AKTodd

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    Robclem21 is exactly right.

    Depending on the level and type of scarring or insecurity (and the source), it can take months or even years for it to go away entirely. This doesn't mean nothing will happen for all that time and then it will just vanish. It should gradually reduce over time until it either goes away completely, operates at a small level that you can work around, or morphs into something else that is hopefully minor that you can work around (or may even come to find endearing). It all depends on the person.

    Anyway, a few days of online/phone discussion isn't enough time for this to change yet.

    Todd
     
  4. dmarc92

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    I understand where youre both coming from and I don't say things like "I love you" because its simply not true but he's a really awesome guy and I like him very much. I don't expect him to open up its just that he's kind of pushing me away, you know not giving me a chance really to get to know him. We talked last night and he was upset about something and I told him that I was here for him if he wanted to talk and he was trying to say its hard for him to trust and he admitted in kind of that he was pushing me away even though he didnt want to and so I tried to assure him that I'm not the guy that hurt him (whoever that was) so I'd like him to give me a chance and now conversation between each other got better.
    I mentioned before that he only lived about an hour away so I told him that I wanted to meet him soon, because I'm not really the type to ONLY talk online or on the phone, I like real relationships where I can talk face to face. And he seemed really excited about it so I'm hoping that will build some sort of trust or connection. Since I see him as a potential boyfriend, I really want to meet him before I make any big steps.
    My question is, if he still ends up pushing me away after (if) we meet then what do I do? Do I give up? Cause I really like him, he's incredible but he's got some type of emotional problem, which I don't expect him to tell me in the span of four days, but I don't want it to compromise something that could become a good relationship. HELP lol
     
  5. pinkpanther

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    If he's talking to you or not making up excuses when you want to meet up, he does like you. If he's regularly saying something like "you'll forget me in a few days." it means that he likes you a lot, but he's scared that you'll dump him after you find out the reason why he's like that. My assumption would be that he's lowering his expectations that way.

    Since I've done the same with people around me, the best thing you can do whenever he says that is to respond with something along the line of "Don't be so harsh with yourself" and continue with the conversation like nothing happened. Once he realizes that you won't run away at the first sign of trouble he will stop saying that.
     
    #5 pinkpanther, Feb 21, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 21, 2015
  6. KaydenWidz

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    My advice would be to straight up tell him. "Hey, Im not Shallow, And I really like you. I cant promise forever, but Im not going to just bitch out on you like that." Mind you, in youre own words, thats just how I would say it. Also, give him some time. Eventually he may realize those facts by himself. Shit Ive been with my man for 10 years and I still think He's going to leave me for someone else and get sick of me. So dont worry too much about it, but still try to keep his spirits up about these things. like "Oh come on, You're not bad. Hell I still like you" Ynno...that sorta stuff. Just dont force it. Good luck, Kayden
     
  7. dmarc92

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    Thank you for the advice. its been about five days since we met online & we've talked every day so far. I was planning on meeting up with him in like a week or so but he's going away for a week and now im so mindboggled. when he told me the other night that he would be leaving the country my heart sank. I REALLY wanted to meet him soon but now i'll have to wait a while. which I dont completely mind but he's like always in my head so I'm kind of panicing. He's constantly on my mind & I find myself doing things I dont normally do hust so I can talk with him. Like I'm getting a little distracted @ work and I've been stating up really late talking to him & other things. And I thought that maybe if we hung out in person a bit I wouldnt be so jittery & anxious all the time. IDK. I'm literally confused while writing this, I'm not entirely sure what I'mn writing but I just thought that meeting him would bring him assurance and he wouldnt push me away as much. Ya know? Then maybe I could be a little more focused and stable. haha Idk... advice?

    ---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2015 at 12:31 AM ----------

    oh btw he told me that he had strong feelings for me & i think he wants a relationship but he's openly admitted that he needs time to learn to trust me & I want him to trust me at least on a friend level before we become boyfriends but idk. he's soo confusing but cute and perfect but givess me anxiety lol :goodevil:
     
  8. PatrickPH

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    I will give you my opinion on that because he makes me think of me. When I started talking with my crush online, I sometimes said things like "ok I bothered you enough now, see you later!" (or other derivatives) which is stupid but is mostly due to my low self-esteem (I almost don't do that anymore). And he has sometimes answered me things like "you DON'T bother me" or "you know, I don't talk with you because I have to" which I was just happy to read because it boosts my self-confidence. So I think he might be a little like me in that aspect, and I would suggest you try that kind of answers. It should help him trust you more and reassure him.
     
  9. PatrickUK

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    You need to be very patient and undertanding and show him that you really are not like the other people who have hurt him. Your words alone will not demonstrate this to him, but your actions will. Be prepared to play the long game and prove to him that actions speak louder than words.
     
  10. robclem21

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    It still really seems like this a problem you are keen on solving in a week. It doesn't work that way. This is something that will take time. He outright told you that he really likes you but needs time to develop trust. Just be there for him when HE wants to talk, not when you want him to talk. He needs to do this at his own pace and there is no better way for him to begin to trust you than by you making him feel comfortable and not pushing for answers.

    With regards to your focus, when you really like someone, it takes over your mind. Don't worry. I am going through this as well right now with a guy I am seeing. It's all you think about, and trust me, when you get closer it doesn't resolve, it just gets worse... but it's a good thing. It means you like him and you may have some of the same fears he has (that he will panic and bail). That is all part of building a healthy relationship. Learning to trust the feelings of the other person and believe that everything is reciprocated. The more you push and rush this, the worse it will be for both of you. Just enjoy the ride, be patient, and in time there will be a higher chance of it developing into the successful relationship you both want.

    Like Patrick said, actions speak louder than words and he needs to see you are willing to wait by his side while he gets comfortable. If you panic and bail you are only doing exactly what he said you would. If you think he is worth it, then waiting shouldn't be a big deal.
     
  11. dmarc92

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    OMG. Rob, its so crazy that you said that I should talk to him on HIS time bc I literally just sent him a whole big paragraph on how I felt like I was being inconsiderate and demanding of his time and attention. You hit the nail right on the head, thanks man! And I don't want to resolve it in a week it's just I get really anxious about it :eusa_doh: IDK.

    PatrickPH, I definitely try to boost his self esteem quite a bit. And thanks for sharing your perspective, I guess I understand a little better why he's like that. I suppose he just needs time and someone reliable.

    PatrickUK, I'm in it for the long run man. :thumbsup: I just hope he is too. :confused:

    Thanks guys for the advice. It really does help. I sent him a big ol' paragraph just before I logged back on here so hopefully in the morning, when he reads it, he'll like what I sent him.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Feb 2015 at 11:57 PM ----------

    this is lwhat I sent him. copy & pasted. just i edited a few things bc of typos & etc. (**)

    i think im being unfair. bc i keep like *messaging* you whenever im free without asking you if youre good or anything. I want to apologize. I really like you but its been a while since ive been in a relationship & i want us to be boyfriends so bad but honestly Ive been inconsiderate. And I dont want to go into a relationship like that. So from now on, I want you to tell me if youre busy or not, be honest, cause i dont want to dictate you. If you & I become us , I want you to have just as much of a say in when we call each other. I apologize & if youre reading this in the morning than Good Morning. ���� plus its been a week since we've started talking... & i realized that...
    I like you even *more* now than I did a week ago. So �������� tty soon hopefully �� & REMEMBER. youre cute af. ������������������

    i know its cheesy haha but its what i said. give or take a few misspells haha
     
    #11 dmarc92, Feb 23, 2015
    Last edited: Feb 23, 2015
  12. robclem21

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    That's cute, but then again, cheesy is right up my alley. Haha. Just try not to be anxious. You are really gonna have to work on this. The more you push, the more pushback you are going to get. You need to keep a close eye on yourself and really be honest and reflect on your actions. It isn't easy. Like I said, there is a guy I'm in love with right now who works a lot so I need to make sure I ring it in sometimes. But trust me, it is really important to let him come to you.

    If you find yourself trying to much, don't send more of these emails. Now he knows, you don't need to apologize every time. Just be easy going and it will be okay. That's the best advice I can give. Your mind plays tricks on you.