fear of vulnerability/showing affection

Maybe this is a strange question but has anyone here experienced this--either you personally or friends or someone else you know...For those with no time to read, the basic question is "have you ever known someone who can't show affection to someone when they actually really, really like the person?"

I met a guy a while back. He's a nice guy, he's gay like me, charming...if you met him on the streets he'd chat with you and you'd think he was just a nice, good ol' boy. He and I met and he was initially that way with me, too. He didn't share much personal info but he'd chat about superficial stuff...work, news, weather, etc. He'd invite me over and we'd chat and stuff.

However (to keep this short), the closer we started getting, the more he started clamming up. It's like, the closer/ more emotionally intimate we get, the harder it is for him to show affection. Like, he can be charming and talkative with strangers, but it's like he gets super-nervous/clammed up/protective with someone he likes. I know that he likes me. I won't get into all the reasons how I know that, but just take me at my word for now.

Well, he went from being the one to invite me over to now just disappearing unless I take the initiative to contact him. When I do reach out to him, he responds and he's nice. But it's weird...it's like the closer we get, the more self-protective he gets.

I went to his house a couple weeks ago--uninvited...just to surprise him and say hi. He let me in and we chatted and we were both nervous...it was obvious....cuz, well, we like each other. He didn't seem especially affectionate...he came across as distant and like he had a wall up. However, when I was leaving he asked me several times if I was sure I had to go. Then, he gave me a big hug. Then, like 10 mins after leaving his house, he texted me and said "thank u for stopping by. It was good to see you".

It's just strange because, when we first met, it was him who was texting me and saying "hey, do you want to come over?" and texting me randomly. Now, it's like I have to do it all. If I don't text him, he doesn't text me. But when I text him, he always responds. Well, when I saw him I was like, "You know...u could at least text me now and then just so I know you are alive". Well, a few days later I was at work and got a text that said "Hey...just so you know...I'm alive".

It's so hard to describe but I know what I'm seeing. It's like...the more he likes me...the closer we get...the more frightened he is Well, if "frightened" is the right word...and so the more effort I have to put into doing things. I'm not used to taking the initiative like this..and I don't mind...but I'm just wondering if there's anything I can do. It seems like he just feels vulnerable because of his feelings and so he is in this self-protective mode where he doesn't want to show interest or vulnerability...but if I'm the one to show it, he will reciprocate it to an extent. Like, he won't text me and invite me over anymore, but if I text him and say "when are you free?" he'll respond and say, "hey, hope you are well...i'm free on Wednesday and Thursday".

So, it's not that he's being mean or anything...it's just like the more he likes me the more he tries to pretend that he doesn't, if that makes any sense. I mean, I kind of get it on an intellectual level, but not emotionally. I know he had a rough upbringing and probably has some abandonment issues. I'm not trying to analyze him...just trying to understand how I can be more supportive and help our relationship become closer.

The best way I can describe it is a fear of vulnerability...like, he doesn't like showing or admitting that he cares because that makes him feel weak or vulnerable and so he has pulled back, but is still responsive when I take the initiative. However, I certainly don't want to end up feeling like I'm begging someone to be my friend. It's just silly cuz I can feel we care. Well, I'm not calling his issue "silly". If it's something that bothers him, I'd like to help. I'm just not sure how.

 

HunGuy...You mentioned that you thought it was possible that you and this guy could have had similar experiences. Would you mind sharing some of what your "experiences" were? If not, that's okay, too. Thanks for your response.

As I mentioned, this guy does seem to wear a "mask" of sorts. He can be charming and even talk a lot...but it's always about superficial stuff.

He did mention once that he was not raised by his parents. That his father just left him (for no good reason...I asked him why his father left and his response was "I don't know, I guess he's just an a$$-hole" and that his mother died when he was younger (I don't know how young he was at the time). So, he was raised by other family members (e.g. grandmother). That's really all the "personal" stuff I know about him and I didn't feel comfortable pushing for more details at the time.

So, he may very well have some attachment issues. Like I said, I care about him a lot but I don't want to play therapist. I just want to make sure I'm doing all I can to show I care and to hopefully demonstrate that he can trust me and not push me away.

 

Thanks, everyone, for the responses so far.

It's just strange because the guy seemed so confident in the beginning when we first met. He would text me first, want to see me all the time, invite me over often, etc. And now, he just basically ignores me and acts cold, distant and aloof. The closer we get, the more he seems to shut down. I guess it's a fear of intimacy or of being vulnerable.

However, when I surprised him at his house a couple weeks ago, after having not seen him in person for MONTHS, he was wearing the necklace I had given him as a gift last year. And he obviously didn't put it on just for me, because he didn't know I was going to show up. But we were talking and he was like, "Hey, look...and he pulled down his collar and showed me the necklace", so I was like "wow, he must like me". If a guy I didn't like gave me a necklace, I wouldn't wear it, and I sure wouldn't point out to the guy that I was wearing it.

Last week, for Valentine's Day, I sent him a card and a small gift. I texted him and he responded and said thanks but that he doesn't like getting gifts from people. He sounded appreciative but emphasized several times that he does NOT like getting gifts.

I don't know. It's just so hard to read him. Like, I don't want to give up because I do really care, but a relationship can't be one-sided. It's just so weird. I asked him when I saw him why I never hear from from him and he was like, "well, I'm just a loner". But, he wasn't a "loner" when we first met. He texted me a lot, even if he did just talk about boring, superficial stuff. And although I like to take people at their word, it just seems like an excuse to say he's a "loner".

So then sometimes I think, "Well, maybe he's a loner and/or just doesn't like me" but then after I told him to text me now and then to let me know he's alive and safe because I care about him, he actually did text me the following week and said "hey, I'm alive" and then we had a few texts back and forth. And if I knew a guy liked me, and I didn't feel the same way, I wouldn't text him and say "hey, I'm alive" in order to start a conversation. I told him I care about him, so I can't see him even doing that if he didn't have some interest.

But since the last time I texted him was on Valentine's Day (last week), I just texted him this afternoon. I basically said, "Hey. How's it going? I'm busy doing blah blah blah. I hope you are having a nice weekend. I did x, y, and z. Let me know when I can see you again. I know you are busy so just whenever it's convenient for you. take care and talk to you later". That was several hours ago and I haven't received a reply.

Also, his responses to me are often vague or ambiguous. For example, I just gave him space last year, and several months passed and I never heard from him. So, finally it was Christmas time. I sent him a gift. He texted me and said thank you and that he was "surprised to hear from" me. He didn't say "happy to hear from you" just "surprised to hear from you". I told him in my card that we should get together and catch up. He responded and said "yeah, let's get together after the holidays are settled" but he doesn't actually say a time. So then I waited until the end of January and, after not hearing from him, I sent him a text and said basically "well the holidays are settled...when are you free?" and he responded and told me a couple days he'd be off from work. But, it's like pulling teeth or so it feels.

Somedays I feel like he wants love but is fighting against what he wants at the same time. Then, some days, like today, I feel like "oh, he just doesn't care about you or he'd be putting some effort into this friendship as well". It's kind of been a roller coaster emotionally. Like, when he texted me the other day and said, "Hey, I'm alive" I was so thrilled but then I started feeling stupid, like "How desperate are you for crumbs of affection from this guy...that him just saying that he's alive can make you happy"?

I guess sometimes I think, "be patient and kind because he obviously has issues" but then sometimes I think, "he doesn't care about you and isn't treating you like a friend". I just waiver between those two. After he ignored me for several months last year, and I finally saw him for the first time a couple weeks ago, I told him how long it had been since we saw each other and he said, "well, I didn't even know if you were even thinking about me or not". And I thought to myself, "ARE YOU KIDDING ME!". Now, I did give him "space" but he didn't reach out to me at all, or respond at all, until after 3 months of silence when I sent him a Christmas gift.

Well, I'll stop with the rambling. I'm just having a hard time and haven't experienced anything like this with a friend before. It just all seems so backwards....he was fine being all talkative and superficial when we were basically strangers, but the closer we get, the more he pulls away. So, if someone is scared of love...do you keep loving them and showing them...which is what frightens them? or do you just back off and let it go, which may feel less frightening but I don't think is really what they want or what is best for them? It's like 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.

Thanks, everyone.

---------- Post added 22nd Feb 2015 at 07:19 PM ----------

One last thing...I wanted to point out when this all started. We were casual friends or whatever and everything seemed fine. Then I went on vacation. While there, I picked up some small souvenirs for my friends, including him. When I got back, I sent him the gift by mail and told him I thought of him while I was away, so I picked up some things for him.

That's when he first started pulling away. But, I really get the feeling that it's not because he doesn't like me but because he does. I guess that gift made him aware of his feelings and maybe that scared him. Ever since then, he has been like this. I guess maybe I shouldn't have sent him Christmas and Valentine's Day gifts, but that's how I am with those I care about.

 

Well, so my friend just responded to my text but it was like "hey. Im working. Good to hear from you. Glad to hear u are well. Take care." He didnt even respond to me asking when I could see him again. It's so frustrating. It's like...do u care or not??? Aaaargh.

 

Oh....and this is my last post, I promise, lol. He did mention in the text that he is super busy with work for the next 2 weeks because he works a swing shift. Maybe that was his way of saying he cant see me for a while. But still, I wish he would have said *something...anything* about wanting to see me or that he will txt me soon....guess I will just need to be patient. Part of me thinks if he didnt care he would be ignoring me completely. So, maybe this is just the best he can do with what he has now. I just wish he would show some kind of affection...a big sign. Maybe this is the Universe's way of teaching me patience lol.

 

Hey, Trooper. Well, he is responsive but ONLY if I initiate it. Well, he finally texted me on his own last week and told me he was alive. I appreciated that a lot but it was because I asked him to let me know he's alive every now and then...he didn't put any emotion in it, that's for sure.

If I text him, he will respond. If I ask him when he is free, he will tell me. When I visit, he'll text me after and tell me it was good to see me and thank me for stopping by. However, he just doesn't initiate anything anymore. I get the feeling that he likes me but it's like he is not willing to do anything that would make it obvious that he likes me, if that makes sense. It's like, he's not willing to put himself in any position where I could reject him...and I really get the sense that it's because it makes him feel vulnerable...

So, for now, I guess I just have to keep taking the lead and initiating things, but I'm just not used to having to do that.