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No social life, please help

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by The Odd One, Feb 23, 2015.

  1. The Odd One

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    So I graduated high school back in June, before that I had a group of about 5-6 very close friends plus auxiliaries before losing contact with every last one of them when they scattered into the wind following graduation. Until recently and for as long as I could remember, I had thought of myself as a loner having such a small social group and never save once or twice a year meeting with them outside of school. As the months went on I relished the freedom of isolation but have experienced some discomfort as time has gone on. At first it was nothing but it has slowly grown into a serious problem, the loneliness has lately begun to have a tangible effect on life as I know it. This seems to come and go, one moment I am fine and ten minutes later I would be crying if I could.
    The last time this happened, I was in class- a community college, not important- and an intense feeling of dread just fell over me and absorbed every last drop of thought going through my head. I know this may or may not sound absolutely f-ing insane but please bear with me. Following this, and after almost completely missing the lecture, my brain decided that now was a great time to remember that everyone left us and we will die very, very soon alone and afraid. This feeling passed but I don't think I have ever been so close in my life. It took a direct injection of Two Steps from Hell and no small amount of repeating "No More" in the context of Doctor Who to bring me back.
    Yes, I am aware that this makes me sound crazy but that is not the main concern for now- put a pin in it. The point is that there was a distinct possibility of me not seeing another day, in hindsight I find that the thought of having those thoughts is absolutely terrifying and something now needs to be done for my sake an that of my family.

    At this point I am sure that a time will come when those terrible thoughts come again and I am poking around for ways to remove these kinds of things from my mind once and for all. It seemed apparent during the last incident that loneliness has taken its toll and nothing has filled the gap left by what was apparently an pretty good social life. It is worth mentioning that the people that have the most classes with me will be the competition for jobs in about a year and a half.
    The internet suggests that the library is a viable place to meet people but on the occasion that I went there, everyone seemed so busy working, studying and generally trying NOT to socialize that I have since ruled it out entirely. The fact that it is a non-fiction/reference library does not draw recreational traffic. It being a community college, people tend to come to their classes and then leave campus for locales unknown afterwards so common areas are fairly sparse and the areas that are inhabited are generally occupied by redneck-wannabes, gangsta-wannabes, or some other form of ingrate that generally makes the space around them disagreeable. I have found that it may be possible to find people in the main cafeteria/break room/study hall if I can figure out how to address a small group of complete strangers without caring about whether or not I look like a moron or desperate or insane. I have come off as all of these in past efforts due to a poorly calibrated sense of social ability. I have no idea what exactly to say. I have the idea and the motivation, I just lack the exact words.
    The first person to say something to the effect of "Just say what you're thinking" or "Follow your heart" or something like that gets Gibbs slapped through the internet. (For those of you not getting the joke- that was a joke, not hostility, but really please don't)
    Also, opening conversation topics would help because what few I have are rather flimsy and the internet is good at providing overall advice and not the absolute specifics that I have been looking for.

    Going back to the title issue, if there is a better way to make in-person friends than talking to strangers around campus, please make yourself heard and include many details. To reiterate, it is a community college, so there are only a small amount of extracurriculars, none of which are of interest, I'm sorry but the college radio station and newspaper are of absolutely no interest to me. My classes are inhabited predominantly by cookie-cutter personalities and future competition. There are not many people that do not fall into either category and none have displayed any interest in talking to me. By the way, this pool of persons numbers about a dozen or less. And if you couldn't tell by context, no problem it was a little off-topic- I define a cookie-cutter personality as a person closely identifying with a social stereotype ie jock, cheerleader slacker, etc. or just generally lacking in personality in general. Maybe I'm just judgy but I want to avoid a person that I might mistake for someone else in the same room or that can't even bother to build themselves an identity independent of a type. While this is not a particularly pressing issue, sooner would be better rather that later. There is no telling when my spectacularly wise brain will decide to start going over why I am alone and am about to die alone again.

    End note, if you can diagnose any mental issues then that would be great. I can't afford a shrink. Really don't hold back, I promise I've called myself much worse. Sorry about the rant, I've just had a lot to say. Last thing- bonus points for advice on locating a girlfriend/significant other/long-term thing.
     
  2. CrazyAwkward

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    Well, I suck at approaching random people and making conversation so I can't offer any advice there. But if there are no groups or activities at your school that interest you, maybe you could search for meetups in your area that involve things you like. That way you'll know you have a common interest to talk about, at least.
     
  3. turtlemom

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    Is there a counsler at the school that you can make an appointment with? You said that you cant afford a shrink so the next best thing I can think of would be a GP, they can prescribe you an antidepressant. An antidepressant can help many things...depression, anxiety, ocd thinking and much more. I think an antidepressant would be a good start for you. At least its something for you to consider. I hope this helps.
     
  4. deathorbs

    deathorbs Guest

    Tough predicament. I'm in a similar boat, except I'm attending a four-year university and have found it easier to connect to people due to the extensive amount of extracurricular activities, except I don't have many friends either and have a very difficult time connecting to people.

    From my own experiences, I tend to connect more with older people. Most folks in my classes seem to fit the typical archetype I don't care to associate with, them being young and rather ignorant. All of the people I spend time with are in their early to late twenties, but it's easier to find people that age (grad students, upperclassmen) in a university context, I think. Still, I'm a loner among my classmates, and after the semester is done, nobody from my labs will probably recall my name.

    If you mind me asking, have you attempted getting back in contact with your former friends from high school? It might be worth a shot, just to see where it goes. Another suggestion I have in mind is trying to find an LGBT-related group to take part in, as a way to connect with other people and talk about the things going on in your life that you can't really share with anyone else. I've been attending one for a while now, and while I only hang out with one person from the group outside of meetings, it's helped me cope with the loneliness.

    As for diagnosing mental disorders... I'm not fit to do that because I'm not a psychiatrist, but you sound sane to me. A lot of people seem socially anxious or not as socially adept as they'd like to be, definitely myself included. But if there's some way you can access any sort of psychiatric services, or even a referral from a GP, I'd recommend it.

    Another thing I wanted to add, everyone dies alone, but that doesn't mean you're going to always be alone in the meantime. I understand where you're coming from though, I wish I could connect with people and make friends easily, but being an introverted and aloof person makes my chances of that happening extremely slim.

    I don't know what else to offer, but if you want someone to talk to, feel free, because I know how crippling loneliness is/can be and it's nice to have a conversation with someone every once in a while.
     
  5. lyjo

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    I could talk for hours about socializing. I'm considered to be a total extrovert, sociable person. I don't really enjoy having to make new friends, but I can if I have to. (hope this doesn't sound show-offy, I'm trying to put this in context). First things first, I'm guessing you're one of those people that feels different and actually has a personnality? Well, so am I. Some people hate it, some love it. It's really pathetic how everyone tries to be like everyone else. But a lot of people try not to stand out. "Don't judge a book by its cover" (I'm in no place to say that, but it's a good concept) :grin:

    Be funny, make jokes, talk about your interests, and most of all: LISTEN. Start talking to people around you, and it might take some time, but you should find someone you click with. The conversation has to feel natural, so don't force it if it doesn't work with one person. Join a sport club or whatever, or just people on campus. We've all had lonely times, but trust me, it's worth finding the right people. I'd rather have one amazing friend than feel lonely when surrounded by fake friends
     
  6. repeal2

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    there are more opportunities in a four year university, but at the community college I went to for two years, there were groups of people hanging out in a lounge. we had facebook groups where people joined and talked. later on, there were a few areas where a restaurant would bring food in and sell for lunch, where you can sit and eat with others

    i see you wrote about a study hall/cafeteria. just going up to someone you recognize from class and asking them how they like the class, how the class is going, etc., would be really sweet. :slight_smile:

    I think clubs and groups did exist, but they weren't as prevalent but still definitely there to be found. for example, there was a LGBT group that would meet every once in a while.

    you're right, it can seem hard at a CC when people are coming and going each day, with many working - sort of like a four year university where the majority of people commute every day. doing activities outside of the CC (or just outside class) helped me feel more like I wasn't just in school all day, sort of going through the motions. any socializing I did was almost always out ofclass

    i was a loner in high school as well, with a small group of friends.

    as for the library, ours was a no-talking area.

    it's not crazy to experience suicidal thoughts, as long as you're safe

    sorry I'm not used to posting in a forum like this, so my thoughts may seem convoluted
     
  7. Michael

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