So, I recently started seeing this girl. I'm 23, she's 29, just for age reference, if that is important in understanding the situation. She asked me out for coffee the other week over a dating app (around 11 days ago), and then we had another date last weekend that went really well; I even got my first kiss. When should I tell her that by the way? I'm thinking not for a bit longer still. She seemed to have a really good time, and texted me the next morning telling me so, and to setup another date. She's a grad student and president of a club so she's super busy during the week. I'm also very busy during the week because I'm in leadership positions for a few clubs too. I am going over to her place Saturday for our next date. That leaves me with this question: how often--if at all--should I contact her before our next date? I sent the last text message on Sunday and she never replied (it would have been appropriate to not reply, or to reply in this circumstance. It was not going to be a long conversation either way). I have a bad habit of over-texting so for now I'm just kind of letting her dictate the contact we are having between dates. I don't want to scare her off by over-texting. I also don't want to under-text her, or not be in enough contact with her that it puts her off too. Though, if that were the case, she could easily just text me as well as she has definitely been more of the aggressor in... whatever it is we are doing (what do you call someone who you are just going out on dates with? Is it just a person you are dating? It's certainly not an official relationship. Seriously, what are you supposed to call a person you have this kind of relationship with at this point? Calling her a friend seems, not the most accurate term). The date we had last Saturday was basically set-up the Wednesday prior and we had no contact until the day of the date, and the date, in my opinion, went exceedingly well. But the distance between setting up the date and the actual date this time is twice as long: six days instead of three. I feel like that's a long time to not have contact, but I don't want to ruin things by pestering her or something. Can anyone give me some advice? I really want things to work out with this person. And yes, I know I over think things... it's a problem.
Dont worry, i have this problem with every single person i date. Some are happy to text all the time, others very rarely text but have alot of chat in person. Personally i love it when someone i like texts me alot, if the feelings are genuine i cant see why you wouldnt want to chat alot. My advice and what i do these days, only text if you have something to talk about. Like dont describe your entire day constantly because that can be a bit monotonous to people, but if you have something to chat about, then theres no reason not to speak. I talk to my current guy every day, maybe a couple times but not constantly. Also another wee bit of advice, using whatsapp or facebook messenger instead of conventional texting tends to lead to more flowing conversation. Just cos its an instant messenger and feels less formal. Hope some of that jibberish helps.
Now there's two breeds of people: those who are happy to continue conversing over text and those who aren't. The important thing is that both people are happy about it. I've dealt with not being happy at not being texted to - I expected to be with someone who, like myself, wouldn't be able to hold themselves back from texting the other person. After experiencing this from people and feeling great about it, being with someone who wasn't replying to me, wasn't texting me, I started to feel insecure and question whether they were interested in me. Then I realised that it's not a fair expectation to hold everyone to. Some people don't value small-talk over text, they'd much rather say it all in person where it's far more meaningful. There's a quote from Plato which applies here: "Wise men speak because they have something to say; fools because they have to say something." In this context, you can see that she might feel like there's nothing of value to say over text. However, don't view wanting frequent contact or "over-texting" as a problem. It's a legitimate need, but make sure it's for healthy reasons. If it's to stop you from feeling insecure or to answer trust issues then that's something that needs to be addressed as a separate issue. The bottom line is that if two people hold different priorities that lead to conflict or upset then either compromises have to be made or you have to walk away and find someone who is on the same wavelength. But, realistically, you are in the early stage of your relationship and it might be a bit much to dive in at the deep end. It's better to ease yourselves in slowly; leave things to be said in due course - if you rush in and say everything now, what's left for later? Being a little mysterious and revealing little amounts at a time can make a relationship more interesting and fun. My immediate advice: continue to hold back for now and see where things go. There's no rush.
Thanks for the advice everyone; I will take it to heart. The problem is, I know that I would seek contact for reassurance that she still likes me. I dunno, I guess I really don't need that much though. I just want something to let me know that she thought of me at some point during the week. I really hate myself sometimes; I liked a fb status of hers this morning, and left a short comment on another status tonight. I feel like this is completely reasonable, and not overbearing at all. But my mind and anxiety have me convinced that because she hasn't liked anything of mine on facebook, or the comment I left on her page, after she commented on the status a few times, that she's not interested in me. Which I know is completely ridiculous and makes no sense at all. I have a lot of anxiety in general and I also have OCD to top things off, which I feel definitely affects me when I am interested in someone: it makes me want to constantly seek reassurance. I'm well aware of this though, which is why I'm trying my best to not push her away by over-contacting her; because of my anxiety though, it makes it very difficult to discern how much contact is over-contact. So, for now, I think that I will be erring on the side of caution and keep contact to a minimum. I'd rather appear distant as opposed to obsessive. It would make no sense for her to be genuinely excited about seeing me the next weekend a few days ago, to being completely disinterested in me. Especially since she asked me out first, she wanted to hold my hand and cuddle on our last date, and she was the one who initiated our kiss. Ugh, I'm sorry, I know I'm just a rambling, anxious mess. That's why I'm trying to get it all out on here though, so hopefully it doesn't affect my situation in real life. I feel like a support forum is a much healthier outlet for my anxieties. So thanks for putting up with me =/.
I agree, a forum like this is definitely a good place and the best place to vent! I've been dating a guy for a couple of weeks and I know exactly (EXACTLY!!) what you mean about seeking this reassurance that everything's still ok. Just to know that they're thinking about you and they thought to text you randomly. I've called the guy I'm dating out on how he's suddenly not texting as much as he used to and now I read it back I feel like a total idiot!!! He's taken aback that I think there's a problem and says it's almost like I'm looking for a reason to end it! He's calling me later today and we're gonna talk about it, I'm so glad I've read your post so thankyou!! It's helped me to realise my thoughts are irrational and I'll be able to deal with this phone call better and hopefully keep things as amazing as they have been! Anxiety definitely plays a part, I have that too and know what you mean! Keep me updated, I'm on your side on this one! Reading our posts we must look crazy and almost needy at times but of course I completely get where your feelings are coming from! Stay sane and don't tell her she's not texting enough!!.. That doesn't work so good lol
