My boyfriend's death

If you loved him, and he loved you, don't you think he would want you there? If your concerned there is a physical risk or safety risk to yourself, then that's a justifiable reason not to attend as you can always pay last respects separately.

 

Im young and never been in a serious relationship but i have experienced loss. My advice is that you go to the funeral. It may be hard and you may feel uncomfortable but you don't want to regret not going, down the road. Regret lingers and hurts deeply. You may not agree with all the decisions is family made but you still owe it to yourself and him that you say goodbye, as hard as it may be. Stay strong. I know it doesn't help and it may mean nothing coming from me but I am truly sorry for your loss.

 

At this point it's about you and the memory of him. If you're not in any immediate danger go and pay your respects. You're already want to go to his funeral, so there's no point in not doing it. I don't know how it works in the US, but if you're lucky you might see him one more time.

 

It occurs to me that by attending the funeral, you are making sure the "real" him is represented and not just what his family wants

 

really depends on how you look at it. i've been in a lot of funerals and it never gets easier to look at the person that was alive yesterday, alone to stand before you as a dead one. i can agree with highway, if your personal safety is at a risk then you might want to reconsider it and pay your respects at another time, you can think of it as having your last memories with him alive and well with the person he loved the most. you can find more peace in that then to force yourself into a family that never accepted his sexuality or a part who he was.

 

Well, if you don't make it to the funeral, you can, in a sense, memorialize him among us...Tell us about him, what he was like, and how he made you happy...

 

Dano, I can only suggest you follow your instincts and do what your heart and mind is telling you. Nobody knew your boyfriend better than you, so if you truly believe he would not wish you to be there, in that place, with all of those strange people talking about him, then don't go... but, do take time out of your day when the funeral is taking place and remember him in your own special way. Give yourself that time.

Although I did attend the funeral of my Mother and Sister when they died, I also decided to remember them by planting roses. I take great care of both plants and they return to marvellous bloom every year. Maybe you could do something like that? Did your boyfriend like any particular plants or trees? You could have your own planting ceremony at the precise time of the funeral and every day of every year you will see your chosen plant/shrub or tree live and thrive and grow as a permanent memorial to the man you loved and adored.

I don't know if that sounds like something you would like to do? It's just one idea, but you could come up with something more personal or appropriate to both of you.

Use this thread to share your memories of him and let us know what you decide to do Dano.

 

I went to the funeral of my deceased partner and I deeply regret it : Funerals are for the living. He knew you loved him, and so did my dear boy.

Looking back I realize I insisted to be on the funeral because of my own insecurities, the need to prove I have been there maybe even I had been the one... The relationship went on for almost a decade, and we were not married, so I had really no bussiness there. We came from different social backgrounds, different countries, and I felt inadequate even if the family and friends acted very warm towards me at all times. They knew me already, but we were not really close and I'm sure they were not expecting someone like me to become part of their tribe.

I felt happy to see that the parents were glad he had somebody at his side when he died, but all felt somehow forced... Also everyone was devastated as well, so their feelings were not real somehow.

I can't express here with words how I feel you here. All I can tell you is what a friend of mine (also a widower) told me : Get out of the house everyday.

Don't go to the funeral. If I'm still talking to the relatives and friends it's just out of politeness, 'cause it never did me any good. To dream about him was good. He came back three times in my dreams, and the last time he was talking to some friends, relaxed, and smiling. He was most happy among his friends, being social and making others enjoy and relax.

I send you all my love.

 

When my grandfather died I insisted I'd be allowed to attend his funeral since my dad at first wouldn't let me. My dad just told me a quote that my diseased grandfather used to say: "Don't go to funerals. Nothing fun ever happens there."

I eventually coerced him into letting me go and that quote ended up being the last lesson my grandfather ever taught me.

 

I'll pour some on the ground for him.